Maidens of the Fall – Parasomnia – 5.6

Content Warnings

Racism (borderline)
Internalised ableism
Wounded animals



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Azure Infinity streaks past my flank, a cobalt comet carried on a steel breeze.

Shining silver warhammer raised high, prismatic unlight on gleaming cerulean armour; eyes flint-hard, mouth wide in wordless war-cry, ponytail whipping out behind. Great clouds of murk are swirled aside by the sheer force of her charge, slamming swift and sure through the Nightmare substrate.

Willow — high up on her stolen plinth, framed by the Nightmare’s roil and the dirty white bulk of the Oxford Parliament, her ruined right hand wrapped around the throat of some innocent teenage girl with whom she has decided to replace me, torture me, blame me — flickers with the tiniest wrinkle of consternation, attention torn from my own halted advance.

Didn’t expect the good soldier to disobey orders. Neither did I.

Azure kicks off the ground and leaps into the air with a further burst of acceleration, skirts rippling, warhammer an argent blur, spiked tip aimed for Willow’s centre of mass. She moves blindingly fast; dim awareness tells me that my eyes could not track her if I were untransformed, we have entered the exclusive domain of magical girls and dream-things. This feat of supernatural athleticism is neither warning shot nor wounding blow; Azure Infinity has decided Willow Finch must die. And she can achieve this goal faster and cleaner than I might.

Anger and resentment switches target, from Willow to Azure. This is my revenge, my rescue, my skull to break. Willow is mine!

But then, for the first time in my life, for a split-second jolt of awe, I see a magical girl as others must see her.

Azure Infinity plays second-fiddle to Scarlet Edge, in the unspoken media hierarchy of the Trio. Always second option for television interviews, a little too awkward in front of the cameras, stiff and self-conscious in that subtle way which smells so much like easily-broken prey, but placed forever beyond that category by grace of dreams and girl-juice. Too earnest and bushy-tailed for the tastes of the English public. Too short and too girlish for other tastes; not enough woman in her, not while Scarlet struts and preens, or Dawn purrs with her enigmatic, knowing smile, showing off her bare legs and her firearm tricks. Azure Infinity, sponsor of a dozen charities, face of public service announcements and stay-in-school advisory notices. No mystery to her, little online speculation as to her hidden romantic entanglements or secret liaisons, as if nobody can imagine her doing anything with her knickers off. Most likely of the Trio to often be found elsewhere, helping magical girls from other parts of the country, or even beyond.

A warhammer is a brute weapon, for easy-going bruisers and hulking cartoon monsters; Azure fails at that role, and nobody cares to define her further. Her smiles are too real, her belief too heartfelt. She says she loves animals and nature. She’s the only one of the Trio ever caught crying on camera. She shows the least skin inside all that armour, and displays the most straightforward violence with her hammer.

All such dross melts away, blotted out by the brilliance of a single moment.

Azure Infinity is a knight in shining armour, a revival from an age that never really was. Her doubts and hesitation have been defeated and cast down, and now she throws everything she has into slaying a monster — not some lost wanderer from the Dreamlands, not a Dreamer who only wishes to live, not an enemy of the state. A real monster, my monster.

Where was this feeling all my life?

Willow gasps; the world stutter-steps three feet to the right.

Azure’s warhammer slams through thin air where Willow should be standing, crashes into the plinth, hammer-head following through like a fist through warm butter, smashing apart the already toppled statue that Willow had supplanted for the sake of her grandstanding. Stone shrapnel explodes outwards, raining down onto the pavement and clattering off Azure’s armour.

Willow doesn’t vanish into the Nightmare; stutter-step motion disgorges her at the edge of the plinth, just beyond Azure’s reach, still holding her entranced, blood-streaked hostage by the throat. Willow’s outline steams with toxic golden light, leaking into the Nightmare substrate. An afterimage of her previous position lingers, superimposed on the air for a moment before it dissolves.

“This is none of your business!” Willow shrieks at Azure. “I told you, you dirty little street-urchin! Get back to work!” She jabs her free hand into the sky, at the teetering crown of thorns, the Nightmare core. “Go do your duty!”

“Unhand that woman,” Azure says. “I won’t tell you again.”

She waits for a reply. I’d scoff were I not amazed. Chivalry will get you killed, Azure.

Willow’s face twists with incredulous outrage. “Remember your place, you—”

Azure whirls, a hammer-hurricane in sapphire and silver. A flurry of strikes slam toward Willow’s head, chest, and hips, arcs of blurring steel too fast for mundane eyes.

Willow cries out in strangled frustration; her body stutter-streaks to one side, hammer blows falling on the smear of toxic golden light she leaves behind. Azure’s assault forces her off the plinth, down to the concrete paving stones of Parliament Square. Azure leaps after her, hammer singing. Willow flickers aside and ahead of every strike, face a taut mask.

“This is an outrage!” Willow shrieks like a puncture wound in a star. “How dare you!? How dare you— to me— like this—”

“You can bleed and you can die, Dreamer!” Azure drowns her out. “All of you can! A bruise on your face, those missing fingers!? You think you’re invincible, but you’re not!”

Willow strikes back. Streamers of toxic golden light coil outward from her afterimage-aurora, ragged leaves of stellar mass sheared off by irresistible gravity.

Azure tanks a direct blast of effulgence, face turned aside, eyes squinted half-shut; one cheek, the side of her neck, and half her forehead all flash-burn a deep red, blisters rising and boiling and popping in an instant. A wide patch of her armour turns a discoloured brown, exposed skirts fraying and ripping in Willow’s gale-force radiance. Her breastplate fractures with a bone-shattering crack of stressed metal. She skids back, boots scraping on bare concrete. Smoke rises from the gaps in her armour and the collar of her gorget, as if she’s cooking inside her steel shell.

But she staggers only a moment, then raises her hammer and shouts a war-cry and comes on again.

One third of the Trio of Albion. Finally I understand why.

“Enough!” Willow snaps, goes ice-cold. “You forget what I am.”

Willow stops trying. Goes still as stone. Awaits the next lightning-fast blow.

Awe goes brittle, snaps me from my useless gawping. I pick up my feet, slam across the concrete to — to do what? To assist Azure Infinity, one of the most powerful magical girls in England, possibly in the world? An idol, a symbol, a perfect encapsulation of the hypocrisy I’ve hated for ten long years? A woman who would surrender me to Dream Control and lock me in a cell for thinking wrong? Yes, because this isn’t victory. Azure Infinity doesn’t know Willow Finch like I do. She doesn’t know that look, that hint of a sneer concealed behind beneficent acceptance. I don’t know it either, don’t recall it from dreams. But I know what it means.

Azure takes the opening, a horizontal hammer blow aimed at the left side of Willow’s chest, to crack her ribs and pulp her heart.

Willow’s left hand moves faster than Azure could ever hope to match, a smear of golden light bent the wrong way.

She slaps Azure across the face with all the power of a solar flare.

Azure’s head snaps round, a sickening crunch-crack of breaking bones. Her feet leave the ground, whole body a flailing corkscrew as she sails through the air, halfway across Parliament Square. She crashes into the base of another statue-plinth, shatters stone and concrete and metal, her hammer cracking the ground where it lands. A dead English hero topples from the plinth and breaks across Azure’s back.

Azure Infinity lies still, face down in the dust.

Willow straightens up, raises her chin, takes a deep breath. Flushed in the cheeks, panting softly. She resets her face, loses the sneer, turns back to me.

I skid to a halt, metal boots raising twin showers of sparks from the concrete.

“What a rude interruption that was,” Willow muses, as if we’ve sent off an unwanted caller in the middle of a sleepy afternoon. A tiny smile twists her face into something ugly, crocodile tears back to the fore as she looks me up and down. “Interesting, isn’t it? How you falter as soon as you’re alone again. Why stop, hmm? Do you even know it yourself? Ahhh, but I always knew this about you, Octavia. That’s what all this is about, that’s why we’re here. You cannot do anything without me.” She sighs, high and sharp and quivering, on the verge of tears. “But I’m not so foolish or optimistic as to believe that one moment will teach you the truth about yourself. We are not ready to mend things between us, not yet. It will not be so easy.” She glances once again at the young woman trapped and entranced by her hand around her throat, gone limp and lifeless as an unstringed doll during the brief fight. Now the woman stands on her own feet again, right arm rising to resume the mockery of my own childhood loss. “Now,” Willow says, “where were we? Ah, yes, I remember. The … necessary changes that made you, well, you—”

I turn away. Leave Willow behind.

A moment of stunned silence, then she erupts into a chorus of outraged splutters.

She can’t believe I’ve turned my back on her; neither can I, clenching both fists, lungs like hot bellows, muscle-cable-piston-interlocks vibrating with stored energy. This Machine is fuelled by rage, and all that molten fuel has to go somewhere eventually, or it will burn right through the engine of my own heart.

But that doesn’t make me an idiot; I just dug myself out of a collapsed shelter, burned everything I had in the effort, and now I’m running on fumes, scratched and dented and maybe worse, deep down in places I can’t see. Willow has demonstrated that she can melt into the Nightmare at will, can probably teleport herself away faster than I can punch. She can outpace Azure Infinity, she can kill a magical girl. She wants me to watch while she tortures and cripples somebody in my place, some twisted parody of a jealous rebound.

The only way to avert that is to stop giving her what she wants. Ignore her, for a moment, until the pressure becomes too great.

I stomp over to Azure Infinity. Grab a shoulder with one black gauntlet, try to haul her upright, see if she’s a corpse. Weighs too much, all floppy and limp, all armour and metal and that massive hammer.

“Dead?” I grunt. Can barely squeeze words past the anger. Shake her hard. “Azure. Valerie. You dead?”

Azure Infinity splutters back to life, hacks and gasps and screams through gritted teeth. She shrugs off my hand, shakes herself free, grabs her warhammer in both fists, then uses it to lever herself up, shedding masonry dust and rubble grit.

The right side of her face is a wreck of pulverised bone and shredded flesh, jaw shattered, teeth broken. One eyeball is burst and ruined, the socket crumpled inward from the side. Her neck sits at the wrong angle, spine twisted, skull dented, a sticky mass of blood staining her blonde hair from beneath. Exposed skin on her face and neck is red-raw from radiation burns, a ragged landscape of fluid-filled blisters. Her armour is scorched and cracked, still smoking from inside.

Her magically-powered body is already trying to pull itself together. Flesh and bone on her face reknits with visible speed — though so much slower than the propaganda likes to pretend, a snail-crawl compared to the regenerative powers I witnessed from Scarlet Edge. Give her twenty minutes and she’ll be ready to lose a second round.

Azure forces herself upright, leaning on her hammer. She keens through her teeth, panting for breath, drooling blood. Left eye wild and tight, skin gone waxen-pale, shaking all over.

Never seen this before. A magical girl truly wounded, not the picturesque aftermath they like to show on television. In pain. Slow healing. Grounded.

“Where’s the rest?” I say.

Azure eyes me, snorts back a mouthful of blood. We both ignore Willow, still ranting and raving.

“ … unnh?” Azure grunts.

“The rest. The Trio.”

Azure gestures vaguely at the miasma-choked sky, the dim crown of the Nightmare. Then she forces herself further upright and tries to push past me, though she can barely take one step.

“Stand aside, Miss Carter,” she wheezes, blood bubbling from her lips. “This is not your— this is my— my responsibility—”

“Willow’s mine.”

“I don’t— don’t understand what this Dreamer did— to you— but—” A shake of her head, a whine as her broken neck refuses to reset. “This isn’t enough to stop— stop me—”

I grab Azure by her metal gorget and shove her to the right. She stumbles, too weak to resist, barely keeps her feet.

“Dig,” I grunt.

Azure frowns, shakes her bleeding head. “What—”

Another shove. I point at the hole in the ground from which I crawled, the rubble-filled route down into Parliament Square Underground Station, into the violated public shelter.

“Thirty people,” I grunt. “Dig.”

Azure looks at the rubble, then back to me, intact left eye scrunched with disbelief, flickering past my shoulder, to Willow.

“But— the Dreamer, you—”

“She’s mine,” I say. “Dig. Go save somebody. S’what you’re meant to do, right? You can’t fight like this. You’re done.”

Azure Infinity looks at me with something close to respect. Or maybe she’s just brain-damaged right now.

“You can’t fight a Dreamer alone. Miss—”

“This Machine. Willow is mine. Go dig.”

“But—”

“Dig!” I roar.

Azure Infinity glances at Willow one last time, then hobbles off toward the rubble.

One obstacle removed. If another magical girl interferes too much, Willow might decide to simply run, and then I’ll have no way to save her new victim. Or maybe she would kill Azure with the next counterattack, leave me with a corpse on my hands. Maybe I was just taking pity on Azure. Or doing a kindness. No time to think about that. Clearly nonsense.

I turn back to Willow. Her faint golden aura leeches into the Nightmare substrate, staining the oily prismatic murk with a spreading patch of aurelian toxin, a skin disease on the distant face of the Oxford Parliament. Above us, the Nightmare itself careens through the sky, a burning ring of bronze listing to one side, an airship breaking up as it falls, layers of un-light glass shattering like rainstorms as they come apart. Tiny dots buzz and loop in the air nearby the Nightmare. Magical girls, still fighting.

The substrate is thinning now, beginning to die away as the Nightmare falls. Nothing dares approach us anymore, fading back into the dream.

Willow looks peevish, left hand on her hip, lips compressed to a fine white line, as if I’m late to meet her for a date in a cheesy rom-com, like we’re standing beneath sun and clear skies, not in the roiling heart of a dying Nightmare. Her new victim still dangles from her maimed right hand, bleeding from a scalp wound, face caked in masonry dust and sticky with half-dried blood.

Out of options. No tricks up my metal sleeves, no secret special moves held in reserve, no last-minute allies riding to my side. Not like in the cartoons. Still have to try. This Machine does not cease.

One step toward Willow, black steel boot crunching on concrete.

Willow sneers. “Well, that was a touching little display. Since when do you care about ‘the public’, Octavia?”

Another step. Two, three, four—

“You saw what happened down there in that shelter,” she says. “You saw what those ‘good citizens’ were ready to do to you. They would have killed you, pulled you to pieces, and spat on your corpse. The British public, bloodthirsty as they’ve ever been. And you think we’re the villains in this sordid little arrangement? You would happily see them crushed beneath all the rubble, Octavia. And I would too, to protect you. It’s all I’ve ever done, protect you.”

Five, six, seven—

A delicate huff, a sniff to keep her tears back. A turn of her eyes, a return to her subject. The limp woman raises her right arm again.

“Now, where was I?” Willow says, ignores my footsteps. “Yes. In your absence, I shall require whatever thin comfort I can get. You must understand, Octavia, you are the one making me do this, you should see it for what it truly is, and—”

Eight.

The Eightfold Engine of This Machine catches and roars on the final step, accelerates my body into a piston, right fist as the tip, feet pounding a channel of cracked concrete across Parliament Square.

Willow doesn’t pretend this time, already warmed up. And I can’t match Azure’s speed.

She flickers backward, a smear of toxic golden light into which I am forced to sprint. Radioactive heat crackles and creaks against the outside of my black steel armour, a layer of instant death for mundane flesh.

Willow bursts into smiling tears. “Oh, Octavia! We’ve been together for so long, half our lives! How can you do this to me!? To us!?”

My right fist slams forward, aimed dead centre on Willow’s face; she’s not there, another flicker-smear of toxic gold carrying her six feet back. I’m on her again in two paces, another punch into the dead air where her face should be. Another, another, another, prosthetic arm slamming back and forth like a jackhammer, black steel knuckles cutting swirls in the Nightmare substrate and the toxic golden dust. Always just shy of the target.

“Who even is she!?” Willow wails, shaking her new victim. “You didn’t answer before, but I know there must be some truth to this! Why did you care so much about this girl? Octavia!? Do you know her from somewhere? Is she special to you? Were you somehow keeping secrets from me? No, of course not, you couldn’t have. So why? Why? Why!?”

Tears slide down Willow’s face, mad with paranoid jealousy. Her weeping fills the air thick with aurous dust, a spreading cloud of golden gunk, smothering my sight with toxic shine, clogging the joints of my armour, slowing me by that fraction of a second more.

She won’t strike me like she did Azure. She wants me drowned and choking. Wants me to watch.

Rage slams shut a row of pressure-valves deep down in my chest, injects hydrazine and magma into the pounding chambers of my heart; the engine cuts out, stutters with strain, then thunders back twice as strong. My skin — the surface of my armour — floods with a flash-sweat of superheated oil and anti-coagulants; Willow’s golden gunk ignites and cooks off in a burst of red-black light. Joints free and clear, vision washed clean, I stride from the toxic miasma. My throat hinges wide, steam rushing up from inside This Machine.

“Coward!” I roar, louder than the Nightmare. “You’re mine, Willow!”

Willow flinches. Almost does as she’s told. This voice of This Machine is so loud, the will of a titan of old, loose in the world to wreak havoc and revenge.

A flinch or two is the only way to save Willow’s new victim.

But the moment I gain on her by a single footstep, Willow figures that out too. Her distraught shock twists with a pale mirror of my own anger, sick with jealous frustration.

“No!” I shout, fist uncoiling, reaching out.

Always too far behind, too much to one side, Willow flickering and smearing across the surface of a glass, breaking the rules of reality as she drags the dream into the waking world. The entranced young woman at her side raises her own right arm again, offers a sacrifice. Willow’s left hand forms a pincer of golden light, shears made from stellar radiation and the off-gassing of dying stars.

With no more effort than pruning a branch, Willow snips the woman’s right arm clean off, a neat transhumeral amputation.

Bloodless, cauterised instantly. A stump of bisected white bone, exposed to the air. The severed limb flops to the ground with a heavy, meaty thump, fingers limp.

Somebody is keening, roaring with white-hot rage, inarticulate at this repeat of ancient trauma. Sounds like my voice.

The girl snaps out of her trance. Eyes open wide and wild in a face caked with masonry dust and half-dried blood. Her mouth opens in an animal wail of pain and panic. She flails, thrashing and frothing, gagging and gasping at the sight of the stump, choking and coughing in the Nightmare-thick air, spraying spittle and tears, kicking and biting and losing her mind.

Willow recoils with mild surprise and less mild disgust, the face you might make if a new pet shat on the carpet. She shoves the girl away.

For a moment the wounded woman keeps her feet, tottering and reeling. Her eyes rotate skyward toward the falling Nightmare, then land with terrible finality upon her own severed arm lying on the pavement. She gropes the air, once, twice; I feel it in my own prosthetic arm, all those years of phantom pain, that ever-present loss, the map of your body denying it as you try to feel with a limb long-gone.

Two stumbling steps toward the severed arm, then she goes down, crumples to her knees beneath the weight of the Nightmare substrate, foaming at the mouth, eyes rolling into the back of her head. I’m too slow to catch her, my trajectory screeching to a halt, black-steel gauntlets closing on thin air. She thumps to the pavement, onto the lonely support of her left hand for a moment, then slumps, face-down.

Her eyes find me, glassy with pain, somehow still semi-conscious.

“I don’t understand,” Willow mutters. She wipes her hands, as if she’s touched something unclean, staring at the woman. “Don’t understand at all. Don’t understand … ”

I pick up the severed arm. Not sure why. Torn sleeve of a grey suit jacket, white shirt underneath. Heavy, real flesh, warm meat, still full of blood.

A bystander, caught up in events beyond her comprehension, crippled in a conflict between magical girls. She’s me all over again; Willow is disgusted by her now, but Willow has already won, stamped out another iteration of Octavia Carter from raw human materials with the application of pain and suffering and loss. The cycle continues. I am powerless to stop it. I helped it happen, went down to that shelter, spoke to that girl, protected her when the ceiling fell. I am as much to blame as Willow; we are all to blame, we magical girls. I turn to the fallen woman, hold up her arm as if I can press it back into place, rebuild the soft machine of the human body with nothing but willpower and righteous anger. Can rage re-knit flesh? Can This Machine remake another?

Willow mutters at my back. “She should have been just like you, after a couple of snips. The mind, the mind, I had to do the mind first, yes. Next time, the mind first, then the body? I never knew, I never—”

Crimson flame flares in the Nightmare-choked sky, burning ground-ward several hundred feet above Parliament Square. A tiny speck of living sun-fire flowers into a lance of ruby-red, streaking over the rooftops, condensing further, drawing itself coherent.

Pain traces an echo from my gut to my upper back, the memory of a sword. High-heeled shoes clack down onto the pavement.

Scarlet Edge.

She looks like shit.

Her cream-and-red dress is torn here and there, stockings laddered, lace gone limp, bronze-brown stains marring her studied perfection. Any actual wounds have already healed — but her poise is broken, the regal set of her shoulders slumped, her natural grace all off-balance. Her ruby sword has gone dull, inner fires either spent or never kindled. Her ever-present heat-haze is drawn close to her body, cooled almost to extinction. Her hair is limp as cold ash.

Worse than all that, her face is drained and slack with something far worse than defeat, in a way she never shows the cameras. Darkness rings her bloodshot eyes like twin bruises. The mark of my bite still shows purple on her lips, but even that seems faded and pale.

England’s wild rose, tattered and torn. Still drunk, maybe hungover.

Scarlet Edge stares at Willow, at the wounded woman on the ground, at me. Her back straightens with a flicker of her usual poise. “Dreamer!” she spits, venom and contempt. Then looks aside, perhaps for Azure. “Where—”

I march up to Scarlet before Willow can answer. We don’t have time for her to get stupid.

She tries to raise her ruby sword between us, eyes scrunched narrow with sudden outrage; I bat the blade aside, get good and close. “Who—”

Retract my helmet, show my face, almost nose-to-nose. Long black hair slides free and whips aside, tips mingling with Scarlet’s own fire-red tresses, soaking in the lingering heat; tongues of flame lick across her hair where mine touches. Scarlet’s eyes blow wide with recognition, no pinprick of resistance for her; not after what we shared earlier?

Reach out with my right fist, grab the front of Scarlet’s dress, yank her even closer. She splutters, reeks of alcohol and ashen fire and sweat and tears.

I shove the severed arm against her chest, force her to cradle the limb.

“Do your fucking job!” I roar in her face. Point at the wounded woman. “Save somebody!”

Scarlet tries to splutter my name. Raise a protest. Offer to kill me. I shove her away, toward Willow’s new victim. She stumbles back, starts to shake her head, draw herself up.

I stare her down. Mouth two words. Good girl.

Scarlet Edge swallows hard. Hesitates harder. Then she turns to the wounded girl on the ground. My helmet redeploys, seals me back inside.

Willow has recovered her composure; she doesn’t vanish when I face her again. Her eyes are tight with jealous hurt, a betrayed look hot and red from too many tears, a wounded twist to her lips.

“I see,” she hisses, moist and tearful. “I see. You’ll deny me even the thin comfort of a surrogate. Gone from my life, but still trying to control who I’m allowed to associate with. And you, Octavia, look at you. Look at yourself. Conspiring and consorting with magical girls, with people you’ve hated your whole life. This isn’t you, this is a parody of you, this is those whores and monsters putting things in your head and—”

“Willow.”

“I do not see why I should answer to anything you care to say to me!”

“Are you going to run away again?”

Why even ask; I know she won’t, not now. My refusal to break has pushed her over a threshold of impatience. She needs me, needs to own me, dictate to me. She is not content to wait me out. She’ll have me even if it’s just hand-to-hand combat.

“You’d like that, wouldn’t you?” She sniffs, almost sobs. “But no, Octavia. You’ve taken away my last thin comfort, so now I will take away yours. I don’t see why you deserve—”

This Machine roars, drowns out her lies. A standing start, kicking off the pavement, zero-to-maximum in less than a heartbeat. No grand strategy, no team effort, no plan.

Willow dodges again, slides across reality’s skin like a knife, radioactive golden blood billowing in her wake. My right fist hammers the air, a piston breaking the world into prismatic shards. Willow flickers aside, retreating across the length of Parliament Square, threading her way deeper into the Nightmare substrate, between the towering statues of ancient British heroes. I lunge and lurch, turn my body into a battering ram, slamming into the corners of decorative stone and statue plinths as Willow tries to outpace me; Alfred the Great and Admiral Nelson and Oliver Cromwell come crashing down around us, marble bodies exploding into fragments as my fists tear on through.

“Oh, Octavia!” Willow cries out, a smeared face against the Nightmare’s thinning swirl. “Don’t you see what this is?! You can’t live without me, and I can’t live without you! Even with all this bitterness between us!”

This Machine roars again, beyond words now. Lash out with a fist, clip the side of a statue plinth. My knuckles pass through golden aurora that might have been Willow a split-second earlier. Closer now. Closer every second. Come here, Willow! Hold still, let me break you!

“Octavia, stop!” Willow screeches. “Stop it, stop it, stop it!”

Another roar. A wordless denial.

Willow finally strikes me.

Her golden halo explodes with tendrils of lashing light, stellar pulses and solar flares dousing me with whips of radiation, just as she did with Azure Infinity.

But This Machine was made to endure. Black steel armour turns aside the hungry starless maw. Eightfold engines ramp higher, heart cooked in rocket fuel and braced with molten metal. Innards heat to boiling, cook down into carbon, transmute to pure steel. Pistons race, saturated in oil. Gears engage, circuits complete. This Machine finds reserves of rage and drains them dry, processes anger into power. Willow’s assault burns off my outer layers, but then I’m through, I’m on her again, fists in her face.

Faster, stronger, more accurate, less thought required for each motion. Fists — both right and left — slam outward at where Willow was, at where she will be, crunching through concrete, smashing apart stone, drawing a yelp of surprise from Willow’s throat, a skidding of panicked feet, a tripping back on concrete.

We both pause in mutual amazement, the great dirty white bulk of the Oxford Parliament looming over us. Willow frowns with confusion and concern, golden aura shivering like a frightened bird.

Inside my helmet my lips peel back from my teeth; a mad laugh bubbles forth.

“You can’t stop me now, Willow!” I bellow. “You can’t stop This Machine!”

Willow shakes her head. Resets her expression. “Octavia, you have no comprehension of what you are doing. I am a Dreamer. You don’t seem to understand what that means—”

I kick off again, a battering ram of black steel and slamming pistons. Willow smears backward like gold dust across torn paper.

A bolt of lightning in brilliant sunburst yellow strikes the ground perhaps twenty feet to my right, blinding and deafening, cutting through even my crystal clarity.

Buttery frills crumpled and dirtied, brilliant ribbons torn and ragged, a form-fitting yellow dress askew and stained above long bare legs. Bandoleers half-empty, unloaded pistols in her belt. Dark skin, braided hair, still glowing like the first moments of a brilliant day, the sun just gracing the horizon, but struggling past layers of thick cloud. Arquebus in both hands, held as if too heavy for tired limbs.

Dawn’s First Gloaming doesn’t hesitate. She points the gun at me and pulls the trigger.

Gunshot like a gong, the sun itself rung with a broken hammer. The bullet tears a zig-zag across space, dragging a lightning bolt behind itself.

I roar, swat the bullet from the air with a punch. Electricity crackles and dissipates across my knuckles. Fist aches and spasms, nothing more.

Dawn cracks off another two shots as I sprint toward her; the second I punch from the air like the first, the third I don’t even bother, let it spend itself against my armour in a crackling wave of electricity. My heart judders under the impact of the bullet’s electrical pulse, stutters out and comes to a hard stop. But This Machine can self-start from cold. The engine of my heart rebirths itself, rams straight back into high gear. I don’t even stumble.

Dawn is trying to fire off a fourth shot when I catch her. I rip the gun from her hands, raise it high, bring it down, break it over her skull.

The arquebus shatters and splinters. Dawn’s First Gloaming goes down, hands raised to protect her face. I hit her again, then toss the splintered remains of her weapon at her.

“Stay down!” I spit. She does.

Back to Willow, no talk this time. She tries, opens her mouth to lie. Closes it with a squeal when I’m on her in the blink of an eye. This Machine is red-lining now, pistons churning, oil boiling, engine thirsty, hot as a crucible. Willow is a Dreamer, but that means nothing; I can catch her now, I can catch her and I can break her apart, because that’s what this machine was designed to do.

I’m going to save you, Willow. I’m going to crack you open and deliver the ten-year-old who never got to live.

Reality flickers and jerks, a badly damaged tape. The waking world gives way to the logic of a dream.

Willow stops holding back.

A dozen statues step from their plinths and stride forward through the Nightmare, draw swords and spears and raise shields of stone. My fists crash through the carven visages of Charles the First and Henry Tudor, smash the sword and cross of St. George, break apart the faces of a dozen unknown soldiers. Willow retreats upward into the air, haloed within her glowing golden nebula. My legs freeze solid in conjured ice-flows, trying to sap my heat and drain the energies of my inner engines, but ice melts as my surfaces flush with boiling oil. More statues converge, faceless monsters summoned from England’s Nightmares — warped stony dragons and rebellious peasants with pitchforks, a thousand foreigners grinning and grasping, and then just a wave of undifferentiated concrete limbs and tendrils and weapons and faces.

My fists break whatever she sends, break it all, break the world. Concrete drowns me, plunges me into yet another underworld, a twilight of stone, whirling like a hurricane, like the Nightmare substrate.

I’m not alone down here. A flash of crimson fire breaks through on my right, scorching and burning the stone monsters, cutting them apart with a shining ruby sword. On my left a sudden crunch-boom crunch-boom shatters concrete faces and sends animated statues sprawling, legs blown off, heads shot to pieces.

Somebody shouts my name. Shouts come back. It’s not worth it. Occy, Occy! Come back!

I smash my way onward, wade through a lake of swirling golden toxin and pulverised concrete and a trillion stone splinters. Can’t recall who or what that voice belongs to, not in this red-black world.

The wave of concrete and stone falls away behind me. Willow hangs in the air, hovering high directly over the white marble steps of the Oxford Parliament, haloed by a floating orb of twisted steel and crushed concrete, rubble and ruin, the detritus from the collapsed shelter. Overhead, the Nightmare — the ring of jagged bronze, the crown of thorns flowing with impossible colours — is flickering and dying, pieces of it sloughing off and turning to dust as they fall, a leviathan defeated.

Willow drops the rubble on me. Concrete slabs shatter against my shoulders and head, parting as I stride through the hail, armour bending and denting, cracking and buckling, venting oil and steam. Steel girders fly like arrows and slam into my armour; each one knocks me from my feet, smashes me into the ground, breaks the concrete pavement, puts me in a shallow crater. Armour buckled, engine stuttering, I haul myself back to my feet.

Again, I’m not alone.

Flame gutters far to my right, tries to deflect the projectiles with a sword, can’t catch them all, can’t keep up. On my left that crunchy clack-boom-clack-boom blows concrete from the air, a mad whooping cackle rising above the tumult, but eventually drowned out by the sheer volume of Willow’s frantic defence.

Willow, six feet above the steps of the Oxford Parliament, meets my gaze, wide-eyed with surprise.

She hurls the last of the rubble down at me, superheated into a slurry of magma and molten metal. The wave washes over me, cools and hardens, grinds my limbs to a halt inside, blinds and chokes and immobilises This Machine.

Engines push past the red line, straining and squealing and shedding slivers of metal inside my organs, superheating inside my metal prison. My heart stops, restarts, stutters out again, chugs back to life, slow as sludge.

A sigh of relief, Willow’s voice quivering with effort.

“Ahhhhh. Oh, Octavia. You quite surprised me, you almost—”

“Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrargh!”

Metal buckles and stone cracks. Heat vents from a hundred gaps in my armour, this machine pouring out a molten answer. Rubble-slurry parts like tar, light floods back in. I pull free, oil sluicing the remains from my exterior.

I can feel myself breaking apart. The fury of this fuel is literally destroying me even as it makes me unstoppable. Survival is a distant concept, too far away to grasp; if something lies beyond the clarity and power of this moment, I’m not sure I want to know.

Doesn’t matter now. I’ve won.

Willow scrambles back, down on her feet again, as if my mere proximity has dragged her from the air. She stumbles and trips, sprawls backward onto the marbled steps of the Oxford Parliament. Eyes shining with tears, wide with something akin to fear.

“Octavia—”

I wind back a fist. “Hold still.”

Willow flings out her wounded right hand, hurls the last few scraps of rubble.

A crack — the sound barrier — followed by a bulging ring of impossible negative illumination.

A handful of pebbles hit my torso at relativistic speed, punch neat holes through my black steel armour. Bones crack, ribs splinter, organ-meat tears and ruptures. Steel buckles, pistons snap, engines shatter. The pebbles shed speed as they pass through me, explode out my back in great ragged exit wounds of dark blood and steaming machine oil, scattering black metal shrapnel.

The pain is abstract, too large to encompass within the mechanism of my mind, great cold runnels torn in my flesh. Blood and oil gouts from the wounds, flowing down my back, flooding my internal spaces, soaking up excess heat. My heart has been pierced and pulped, engines stuttering and juddering to catch, tubes flailing loose, pistons stop-starting.

I stumble. Willow’s fear ebbs away.

“I really didn’t want to have to do that, Octavia,” she says, voice thick with sorrow, smile all lies. “I didn’t, I really didn’t. But it’s okay, I can help you, I can make it all better, kiss it all better—”

This Machine retains momentum enough.

My first punch cracks Willow’s head to one side. Black steel knuckles tear her cheek open and shatter her jaw, spraying blood across the pristine white steps. My second punch she manages to dodge, face smearing aside in a writhing corona of toxic gold.

“No,” I grunt, open my fist, catch her head.

And then I have her, skull cradled in black steel fingers, eyes wide and staring, panting for breath through bloody lips, gone pale as rotten oats and acid storm clouds.

Willow is terrified of me. First sensible thing she’s done in ten years.

“Octaviaaaaaahhh—!”

My name turns to a scream as I haul her into the air by her skull, slam her back down into the steps, bones cracking, golden aurora splattering and flowing like voided bowels. Blood and bone explodes inside my grip, transmutes to sputtering golden light. Willow abandons her pretence of humanity; I whip my hand back again and I’m pounding a writhing mass of golden tentacles, living clutches of light and shadow, a star-thing made of coronal mass ejection and singularity accretion disk, a human form writhing and twitching in the centre, flesh and form flickering back and forth between dream and reality.

Willow flails, lashing against my armour with streamers and tendrils of toxic gold, wrapping tight around my helmet, yanking at the joints, trying to break the seam. Flashes of blinding light superheat segments of my armour, black steel melting and running like wax. Tendrils stab inward through the puncture wounds, then whip back out, hissing and boiling and cooking with the sheer heat of my internal engines, blood and oil sluicing out after them. Human hands scrabble and rake, nails breaking on my armour. My helmet cracks at the neck seam, retracts to save itself, black hair whipping out in a dark wave.

Willow’s face is still visible through the chaos, wide-eyed with defeat and fear, desperate humiliation and outraged confusion.

“This Machine is free!” I roar in her face. “And you will be too!”

Bounce her off the steps, smear more blood and brains and viscera across the white marble, more than could possibly be present inside one human body. Swing her like a flail, smash through a white column, her body a mass of golden light and imitation flesh and sobbing, screaming, pleading voices, screeching like the noise of a stellar implosion. My own blood and oil streaks the steps as we climb, as I break marble and shatter stone.

At the top of the steps, before the grand marble doors of the Parliament building, I finally get the better of her. Slam her face-down. Ride her to the floor. One hand in her hair, gripping her skull, somehow still intact, still uncracked.

“You’re— mine— Willow—” Try to roar, comes out as a stuttering cough, engines crunching and groaning. Too much damage, in too short a space of time.

Willow is damaged too, in a way I never knew possible. She is whole and shattered at the same time, flickering and flowing and reforming, falling apart and cascading outward, a mass of shredded muscle and exposed bone beneath a flickering caul of toxic golden light; can feel my face burning and peeling beneath that light. Her face is broken, bloody, puffy, gasping.

She’s sobbing. “Please, please, please—”

“Give her back,” I rasp, drooling something black from between slack lips — heart-blood or machine oil, don’t know which. “Give her back. Willow. The Willow I— I never knew— give her— give her back— back—”

Willow’s golden eyes flicker with the faintest hint of recognition.

Her expression melts. I am talking to something else.

“Please … ” she whines, in the voice of a ten-year-old girl I never got to know.

I raise her head one last time, use all the strength I have left; this blow will crack her open like an egg, disgorge the child she swallowed up so long ago. Willow, my Willow, the Willow who should have been, the ten-year-old Willow to whom I owe so much, I will save her, I will set her free, I will protect her with my life, I will give her the space to grow she never got, because the purpose of This Machine is not only destruction and death.

A slender grip halts my wrist.

Fingers like iron probes hook into the rents in the back of my armour and the open metal collar at my neck, dragging me up and off Willow’s quivering, flickering, collapsing body.

We are not alone.

A dozen figures have appeared around us without the slightest disturbance — men, women, young, old, all of them different yet all of them the same, all the same imperious and proud and perfect in their own unique ways. One of them I recognise, the man with the ponytail from the brief hospital-dream I shared with the younger Willow. Still dressed in a suit, frowning and sighing like he would rather be somewhere else. The others are more or less interested, some faintly angry, others unimpressed, a few amused, scornful, dismissive.

In stuttering stop-motion, I see them for what they really are. Demon visages of skinned meat, vast titans of clockwork time, warped angles of space itself pretending human form, dressed-up dolls pumped with sulphur and methane, bloody-toothed monsters with bellies full of raw flesh.

Dreamers. All unique, all alike.

They intervene. The grip on my wrist tightens, cracks the armour around my forearm. I try to resist, try to kick and buck, refuse to let go. But my engines are dry, sputtering out, even the fumes consumed.

“Let go,” says the voice of a cold machine. “Or I will take the whole arm.”

Willow babbles and pleads in the voice of a child, wordless broken mewling. My right arm creaks, and I know this thing will rip it clean off.

I let go of Willow’s skull. Three Dreamers move forward to catch Willow’s falling head, then drag her from beneath me. A moment of silent debate passes between them. A woman — young, dark-haired, dressed in a black evening gown that reveals no sliver of flesh, a peevish pout on her lips — lifts Willow into her arms. Willow clutches at her, a mess of pulped flesh and ragged bruises, blind and mute, trailing flickering tendrils of golden toxin.

“We did tell you not to bother, sweetheart,” the woman purrs. Starts to turn away. Willow wheezes, blood bubbling from broken lips. “Yes, yes. We’ll make it all better again. Don’t we always?”

An older gentleman dressed in a suit — in truth a leering naked satyr-thing studded with rings and piercings — gestures at me with a flick of his fingers. “The meat?”

“Let it bleed,” the woman says. “It’s over.”

The Dreamer Cabal turns to leave, simply vanishing as they move, winking out as if never there. I catch one last glimpse of Willow’s face, bleeding and broken amid her golden corona.

She reaches out for me, fingers trembling.

And then I’m being hauled up into the air, held over the head of something even more machine than I, a mass of mechanical limbs and bug-like eyes. Polymer and plastic, lined and studded, armoured and plated.

The robot throws me off the steps of the Oxford Parliament.

No dignified arc through the air for me; I land halfway down the steps, sharp angles of marble cracking my armour, blacking out for a split-second. A-clatter and a-rattle I go, crashing downward, limbs flopping as I roll, things inside me breaking and snapping and coming apart.

I end up at the foot of the grand ceremonial stairs, lying on my back, staring up at the sky.

The Nightmare is fading away, prismatic substrate melting like mist in the morning sun; the crown of thorns in the sky is a shattered band, falling and burning, the tiny dots of magical girls mopping up the leftovers. One more enemy of England vanquished. One more heroic tale to feed the public.

Down here the world is going red-black at the edges, eating up the clouds of steam and smoke, obscuring the broken concrete and rubble, filling the crater into which I have fallen.

This Machine struggles to restart itself. Parts reach across ragged gaps. Pistons ease slow and jagged. Valves open to release pressure, find none. Too many things broken.

Can’t get up. Can’t raise my head. Back is so cold. Breathing sounds like a broken steam engine. Mouth tastes of blood and oil.

I think my heart has stopped.

And why not? I’ve failed. All my rage was not enough to break the cycle, not enough to get revenge, not enough to punish Willow, save Willow, free Willow. Anger’s spent, tank’s empty, wasn’t enough. Wasn’t the right kind of fuel. Prototype needs refining. But there won’t be a second design.

Is it like this for all magical girls? Don’t think so.

Voices shout through the murk — Occy, Occy! Somebody is raging and roaring, a familiar dragon breathing fire at some irritant. A death-metal chord rings out, punctuated by the mechanical voice of a walking skeleton. I remember who those three are, now that This Machine is shutting down.

But they’re all too far away. Far side of rubble and ruin.

Something small and furry and wounded stirs against my belly. A zoog. A zoog inside my armour. The zoog I rescued.

Engines gutter back to life, a tenth of what they were, strung together with string and spit and hope. Anger and rage are all spent, but my heart finds something else as fuel, something thin and strange and not enough of it, just enough to give me a few more beats of blood and oil down my veins.

The others. Need to tell them about Plato Base. Need to hand off this zoog.

“Up,” I grunt. “Up. Up. Up! Useless cripple, up!”

This Machine rises in a lurch and a stagger, clanging off the nearest slab of broken concrete, hunch-backed and broken open, leaking black and red and red-black from every rent and rip. Pain is clear now, crawling from every part of my body, loud enough to make me scream and weep and froth with blood through gritted teeth.

Open my mouth to cry out — I’m here, over here! — but I can’t speak past the torrent of blood and oil. Can’t shout through the choking clouds of smoke and steam and masonry dust and pulverised stone.

A figure steps from the chaos. Red-white and wide-eyed, hair a tongue of muted flame, ruby sword still dim at her side.

Scarlet Edge stares at me like she’s seen a ghost, through red eyes ringed with dark bags.

Pull myself upright; can’t quite get there.

“Go on then,” I gurgle. “Do it.”

Do what?

Scarlet hesitates, half-raises her sword, parts her lips, can’t find the words.

A stagger, a lurch, a half-aborted raise of my right fist. The world goes red-black as it goes out from under my feet. With a crash and a clatter I land on my front and the world stutters out to darkness and silence.

This Machine crashes to a hard and total stop.



Previous Chapter Next Chapter



Any machine can be broken, if only you hit it hard enough. 

Hooooooooooo, and there we go! The final chapter of arc 5, and it sure was a doozy. Willow’s out for the count, Octavia has gained several new holes, Scarlet doesn’t know what to make of all this, and a secret cabal of lucid dreamers has made off with the prize. And was that Grimgrave we heard briefly, amid all the chaos? We’ll have to wait for arc 6 to find out.

Meanwhile, if you want more Maidens right away, you can always:

Subscribe on Patreon!

Right now my patrons have access to three chapters ahead! For the moment I’m going to try to keep it as three; in the future I hope to push this out to more.

And thank you all so very much, dear readers! Thank you for being here and reading along with my mad little tale of hyperviolent magical girls and nasty dreams. It makes me really happy to see so many people out there enjoying what I’m doing, and I couldn’t do it without all of you! Thank you!

Next chapter, Octavia’s gonna need an oil change and some dent repair. That damage will buff right out. Surely.

Maidens of the Fall – Parasomnia – 5.5

Content Warnings

Internalised ableism
Stalking
Gore
Abuse



Previous Chapter Next Chapter



Winter’s directions lead me deeper into the Nightmare. Head down through curdled oil-swirl membranes of lightless radiance, smothered by soul-song resonance from the suffocating sky.

Low brick wall to my right, the park beyond choked by churning dream-stuff substrate, tainted water stirred by fingers of silent hurricane. Road widens on my left, a shore vanishing into shuddering tides of bronze-stained ultraviolet and sick-yellow infrared, punctuated by capering shadows and the memory of storm-snatched cackles. Windblown crust begins to build up in the crevices and joints of my armour once again, a sticky brown biofilm residue, dragging me backward like the grains of a sandstorm abrading the outer edge of my mind.

The zoog huddled in the crook of my left arm wheezes and quivers, little black eyes blown glassy and wide, clawed digits scraping and scrabbling at my steel forearm.

“Hold on, it’s gonna be okay,” I hiss to the zoog, unsure if he can hear. “Hold on, okay, little guy? Guy, right, that’s what Winter said? I’ve got you. I’ve got you.”

A hundred meters, two hundred, three, more. Impossible to measure distance this close to the heart of a Nightmare. Each footstep stretches out leagues behind, each one in front the width of the world.

But This Machine is tireless.

Shoulder blades itch beneath armour. Eyes bore into my spine. Resist the urge to look back. Do not give Willow the satisfaction.

At last a junction flowers beneath my tread, blossoms before me like a mirage, so sudden and surprising I almost stumble. Winter didn’t lie, thin trust well-placed for once in my life.

Vast, baroque, meeting place for a dozen roads, tangled with pedestrian islands and zebra crossings, walled high with bright advertisements; coral and rock outcroppings at the bottom of a dead ocean, reduced to dim-glowing ghosts in the infinite murk. Grand statues are hung with streamers of prismatic unlight, Nightmare’s entrails strangling England’s lost heroes. Civic slogans are smeared out, bold letters blurred; what sense in ‘reporting strange dreams’ when you’re drowning in one?

A pale bulwark looms ahead, an off-white chalk-dust mountain just beyond the junction, faintly visible through the churning nebula.

Now I know where I am; pity the Nightmare doesn’t smash that place apart and scatter the stones.

Nightmare’s core — the Nightmare itself, the crown of thorns from which all this divine effluvia flows — is directly overhead, hundreds of meters up, a jagged halo of darker bronze crackling with suggestion of impossible colour, almost invisible through the layers of filth-streaked air. Falling sheets of oil-swirl unlight have a distinctive downward motion here, afterbirth descending in slow waves from a stillborn god.

I squint into the bruise-wracked sky. Do I see a mote of darting crimson? A bloom of flame? A pockmark of explosion?

Are you up there, Scarlet? Doing your duty, vanquishing England’s latest nemesis?

Perhaps not. Given the size and destructive force of this Nightmare, plenty of other magical girls will be present by now, more than just the Trio. Girls from all over the south east will have flown in, though I can’t see them through the murk. Must be a mob of them up there by now.

Maybe Scarlet Edge is safe at home, still drunk, regretting our conversation, sobbing through a hangover. How’s it feel to be grounded, Scarlet?

On my right the park finally terminates. Winter’s instructions prove true; a gaping brick-and-metal mouth yawns from the pavement, tongues of dark concrete lapping downward into the earth, walled in dirty white and banded with stainless steel. I lurch over the threshold, almost lose my footing, see myself tumbling and crashing and clattering down those stairs, landing in an undignified metal heap at the bottom, less of a magical girl than when I started, the ultimate humiliation and reduction and descent and failure.

Right hand snaps out before I can fall, grabs the railing, bends the metal. Right leg slams down, a hydraulic piston anchoring me to the concrete.

An Underground station, right where Winter promised.

Even two paces over the threshold puts me beyond the worst of the Nightmare, unlight substrate flowing past my armour in long streamers and flickering tendrils of warped glass. Another dozen paces would be a plunge into cool waters, refuge and sanctuary at the bottom.

But I can’t. I grit my teeth so hard they creak. Try to lift a foot, stopped by my own muscles. Right fist squeezes the handrail into crushed metal. I barely refuse the urge to turn my head, to look back at Willow’s inevitable gaze.

Retreat. Feels like a rout. Like shame and cowardice and indignity. If I scurry down there, Willow wins. She hounded me when I was weak, then fled from me when I was strong, and now I’m allowing her to chase me into a corner, a burrow in the dirt. How is this any different to ten years as a mundane human being, pursued and controlled and dominated by Dreamers and Nightmares and the empty slogans of the state?

What’s the point in being a magical girl if I have to cower in a shelter?

The zoog shifts in my arms, spooked by the delay.

Right. He’s the reason.

Can’t catch Willow, can’t call to Grimmy and the others. Can’t fly, can’t escape. Could probably fight, but what’s the point? Nobody to save, nobody to help, nobody who needs me. But this little guy does. If I stride back up there into the Nightmare, he will die. Enough zoogs have died today; enough zoogs die every day. This one I can save. No indignity in that, not a shred of humiliation.

Swallowing residual bitterness, I clank down the steps, metal boots echoing off the walls. Nightmare substrate thins as I descend, struggling to penetrate all this concrete and steel. A dozen steps and it’s halfway gone, two dozen and it’s mere fog—

“This is life for you, without me.”

Willow whispers from directly behind my head.

I spin, stomp on where her foot might be, grab the opposite handrail, faced by empty stairwell all the way to the surface, choked with flickering sheets of prismatic chaos. The entrance to the Underground station is a wide rectangle of churning unlight, backed by thick bands of impossible colour, headache-tempting, vomit-teasing.

A figure wavers against the murk, storm-tossed hair and wind-teased skirt, a vague outline in grey.

“Lost and alone in the endless dark of indecision,” Willow whispers as if she’s right next to my ear, just beyond the metal of my helmet, voice all slippery consonants and wet clicks. “Running from responsibility, from challenge, from conflict, from life itself. It’s so hard being you, isn’t it, my sweet little Octavia? I can’t blame you for wanting to hide. It’s what I did for you, after all, because the world will not treat you well. We both know you need me, Octavia. I’ve stopped lying to myself, after so, so long. It’s liberating, really. At least do me the decency of attempting the same. Make a good-faith effort. Show willing.”

Raise my right fist, swing it sideways, casual as a slap; black-steel knuckles smash through the white-tile wall, gouge raw concrete beneath. A shower of little fragments patters down the steps as I wrench my fist free.

“Come down here and say that to my face!” I shout up the stairwell.

Do it. Do it. Do it, Willow. Take a step, take them all. Come down here, get within arm’s reach, see if I don’t beat the living shit out of you. Insults and mind games are cheap, fists are forever. I’m vibrating with the need to bury my knuckles in your skull, you must know it, you’re a Dreamer. One step, give me that opening. I don’t want to take Winter’s advice, I don’t want a level playing field; I want your head. My fist is a wrecking ball, my heart is untouchable. My whole body bends toward the task of cracking you apart.

I break before she does, take one step back up toward the surface, metal boot clicking on concrete.

Willow’s grey ghost vanishes, sinks back into the Nightmare.

“Coward!” I roar inside my helmet. “Coward!”

“You will always need me, Octavia,” Willow whispers again, like wind trickling down from the surface. “That will never change, no matter what lies you tell about yourself, no matter the costume you wear. You will always be my Octavia. You will always come crawling back to this circle of safety I offer you. And I will always still love—”

“Find a new pick-up line,” I spit. “And choke on it.”

Turn away. No more looking back. I clank down the remaining steps, onto the main floor of the Underground station. Bile rushes up my throat, the taste of retreat and surrender. Shouldn’t be down here; I should be up there, pounding Willow’s skull through a wall, breaking her, breaking the world. Drums, drums, drums in my head, pistons slamming and valves closing and pressure mounting.

Willow whispers again, weaker than before. “Octavia. You know this is denial, you know—”

Deep breaths drown her out; she’s trying to bait me. I’m a magical girl, but I’m not invincible. And this zoog certainly isn’t.

The Underground station stretches out beneath a low ceiling, concrete and whitewash broken up by rows of automatic ticket machines, escalators easing downward into the tangle of tracks in tunnels beneath, side-passages jutting off toward other exits or connecting stations or staff areas or mechanical access. Sticky floor, dirty walls, worn metal, peeling posters. CCTV cameras peer from every corner, temporarily blinded for the safety of whoever might review the footage. Nightmare substrate thins to a mist of flickering prismatic colour, a sheen of oil in the air, thickest close to the foot of the stairwell. Still more than enough to unlace an unprotected human being, but far less lethal to a magical girl.

An Oxford Underground sign on the wall confirms my suspicion: Parliament Road Station.

That tangle of streets up there, the massive junction dotted with statues, presided over by a pale leviathan, that’s one edge of Parliament Square. The squat mountain of dirty white I spotted through the murk is none other than the Oxford Parliament, the seat of English — arguably British — government, ever since the fall of London.

I’m deep in the west end of the city, the part of Oxford that matters to the people who matter.

A strange shiver goes up my spine. Who exactly was Winter fighting out there, with her cloak-and-dagger ghouls?

Across the floor of the underground station, past ticket gates locked open and a few bags lost in the panic, stands the entrance to a public shelter. Every underground station in Oxford contains half a dozen or more, budding off from passageways and tube tunnels like bloated steel diverticula. May as well, if you’ve already got a network of buried infrastructure; one of the few things the government does right, as even I am forced to grudging acknowledgement. Take one of those escalators or sprint down a connecting tunnel, I’d doubtless find another shelter door within minutes.

The outer door is an eight-foot slab of dull-painted steel, balanced on well-oiled hinges, usually operated by motors, with a big lever on one side to disengage the lock and serve as a back-up manual handle. Same design I’ve seen a hundred times before, nicer than most have. But here in the west end core, so close to Parliament, the shelters are protected by more than just big doors.

A pair of robotic gun turrets hang from the ceiling, flanking the shelter. Six-barrel rotary monsters wired with belt-feeds, back ends bristling with cameras and sensors.

The floor is marked by concentric red lines, scuffed warning cross-hatches in yellow-and-white.

DO NOT CROSS IF SHELTER IS SEALED

TURN BACK AND WAIT FOR ASSISTANCE

DO NOT CROSS

AUTOMATIC WEAPONRY

DO NOT CROSS

WARNING

Ridiculous overkill. Nightmare debris might steal away an exposed human being, but there’s no record of anything ever breaking into a shelter. Are those guns hooked into some dumb machine-brain somewhere, trying to pattern-match visual feeds against anything that doesn’t look human enough? How different to every shelter I’ve ever been inside, huddled behind thin steel doors, protected by nothing but the weight of material reality.

Still. Big guns. They look as if they could put out a lot of bullets; half-wish I could take one of them down, Grimmy might like it.

I’m not invincible. Don’t fancy getting shot.

But I can’t wait out here. Nightmare substrate is thinner below ground, but that brown residue is still building up on the outside of my armour, the Nightmare’s song of skulls and wreaths and crowns of blood and bone still resonates inside my mind. I’m still being sapped by dream.

I fold my arms carefully over the zoog and hug him to my chest, to make an armoured cocoon. Head down, right shoulder forward. One step, then another, daring the guns to fire.

“Magical girl,” I mutter, more angry than afraid. “Magical girl here. Don’t you fucking dare. Don’t you dare … ”

The guns don’t even twitch. I walk right beneath them, up to the door.

“Security theatre,” I scoff, take a deep breath. “Should have known.” The zoog noses back out from between my arms, unharmed, unconcerned.

I grab the rubberised handle and pull downward, disengaging the internal latch, dragging on the door. It opens with almost no effort, hinges well-oiled and well-balanced. Inside is a long, narrow chamber, walls plastered with slogans and posters, pride of place given to a series of pictograms and instructions which handily explain this is not the airlock, this is just the antechamber. The airlock is beyond the next door, an identical slab of steel accessed via an identical lever mechanism. Beyond that a third and final door leads into the belly of the public shelter.

Please proceed in an orderly fashion into the airlock. Follow all instructions from public officials and Transport For Oxford staff members. Keep your belongings with you at all times. Keep all pets on leashes or inside carriers. Report any suspicious activity. Report Strange Dreams.

“Tch,” I tut at the pictogram, which clearly shows all three doors open at once to allow people into the shelter when the sirens sound. Every public shelter I’ve ever been inside had one door, usually at the end of a flight of stairs and around a corner, but never anything like this.

Airlock? Inaccurate. Borderline incoherent.

The outer door shuts with a solid thump of rubber-cushioned metal. I ram the locking lever back into place, seal myself inside. Step back. Deep breaths. Deep enough?

The antechamber is still soaked in a thin layer of Nightmare, a haze of unlight hanging in the air like dust particles dipped in oil, enough to provoke nausea if examined too closely. Brown blood-like gunk still lies heavy in the grooves and joints of my armour. Energy trickles out through some hidden puncture wound in my soul. Eyelids itch. Lungs full of sand. Head filled with distant song.

“Maybe not deep enough yet?” I say to the zoog in my arms. “Maybe we have to go further—”

“But where are you going, Octavia?”

Willow’s voice, a whisper from the cracks, barely audible over my own breath.

“Shut up,” I grind out through clenched teeth.

“This isn’t what magical girls are supposed to do, is it?” she whispers, behind my helmet, to one side, right in front of me. “Running away from their duty, hiding away in the dark. Octavia, you were never meant to be this. You can’t see it yet, but you will, given enough time. This role was never for you. There’s only pain and—”

“Fuck off, Willow!” I spit. “Fuck off, or come in here and fight me! Come on! You coward!”

“Octavia … ” Voice thin as the wind. “I’m so sorry. You’ll have to learn … first hand, I suppose.”

“Fuck you.”

I stride over to the first of the inner doors and yank on the lever, expect it to be locked; it clacks downward, almost overbalances me. One step through the gap and I pass into the so-called ‘airlock’. A square room, slightly larger than the antechamber; one wall is faded patriotic posters and slogans, John Bull rousting a cartoon Nightmare, Keep Calm And Carry On, remember you’re British. Magical girls of the previous generation are all washed out by time, colours muted by age. The Trio of Albion smile back from on high, nothing like the reality up close.

The other wall is all mirrors, perhaps to reduce the effects of claustrophobia.

A black wraith almost stops me dead.

My own reflection.

The airlock door closes with a rubbery thump, lock slams home with a crunch. Nightmare trickles away to nothing, silence, gone. Air clears, almost normal. Brownish crust on my armour starts to crumble and flake away, though not as rapidly as in Winter’s little pocket of calm. I cross to the inner door, the one that leads into the shelter proper. A gentle tug on the lever proves my assumption — locked. Sensible design.

Deep breaths again, turn to face the door I entered through. Wait for Willow’s whispers.

Nothing. Perhaps a tickle. Wordless echoes.

The zoog cradled in my left arm peers past his refuge, looks up at me, curious, confused. Half a minute trickles by. A full minute. Two. Tension drains from my muscles. Disappointment settles in. Willow has given up her pursuit.

“Okay,” I say. “Okay. I guess this is it, for now.” I glance at the zoog. “I … hmm. Hang on a second.”

Face empty air, brace my feet, pull back a fist. Think of Luna, Plato Base, Nerys and Tissy and a hundred zoogs, too many wounded.

Translocation fizzles out before it can start, smothered by Nightmare or pinned in the shelter.

“Worth a shot,” I mutter. “We’re safe enough in here, I think. We can ride out the rest of the Nightmare, then … ” The zoog peers over the edge of my arm, little paws scrabbling for purchase. “You wanna go down, huh?”

“Dowwwwwn,” he rasps.

Returned to the floor, the zoog shelters between my black-shod ankles for a few moments, clutching at my boots for safety. Courage found, he slowly ventures out, sniffing at the edge of the room, pawing at cracks in the concrete.

“Don’t go too far,” I say. “Not that there’s anywhere to go.”

And then I can’t avoid it any longer, staring back at my own black reflection in a wall of mirrors.

Not like this is the first time I’ve seen myself transformed. In the dream I shared with ten-year-old Willow, the transformed Octavia Carter was like a goddess from a world of red-black clarity; I caught further glimpses of myself on the way through the Nightmare, reflected in shop windows and the the semi-transparent plastic of the bus shelter with Winter.

But now there’s no dream in the way, nothing to obscure.

Black armour, black helmet, black mask. Black steel smooth and matte, drinking the light. No eye-holes, no mouth grille, just a jagged glow to match my scar beneath. My helmet retracts at a thought, folding back from my face, more extensively than before. My hair falls free, so much longer than I’ve been used to for most of my life, a fluttering wave of black, dark as the armour, strands drifting across metal-clad shoulders.

A step closer to the mirror, turning my head this way and that, lost in my own red-black eyes.

I’m lit from within. Scar aglow.

Willow used to tell me I was beautiful, but somehow I sensed that was a lie, though I thought it a kindness at the time. My grandmother assured me I was a pretty girl, despite my scars and missing parts. I always knew the truth, that I am a mangled corpse on the verge of rot. The sensible thing to do was to clean me away and pretend I did not exist.

The woman in the mirror is transcendent, a kind of beauty I never knew existed outside of machines and mathematics. I touch her face with a gauntlet. Pale skin dimples beneath black metal. Both are the same.

Self-fascination fractures a little as I step back again, look myself up and down, examine my results. Quite the villain I would make, in a Saturday morning cartoon. A Dark Lady, an evil knight who threatens the green and pleasant isle from her hidden fortress on the moon. A cackling madwoman for the Trio of Albion to vanquish once per week, along with her minions and monsters. A parody, a simplification, a safe adversary.

Except I’m none of those things. I am so very real, and my fists can break the world.

Ten years of hating magical girls melts away, mist in the morning. A grin splits my face, a mad laugh behind my teeth.

“Look at me!” I hiss. “I’m … I’m … ”

Hiding in a shelter.

A sigh ruins the brief high. “I don’t want to be down here,” I say to my reflection, and she says it back to me, red-black right eye a narrow slit of old pain. “I want to be up there with the others. Even the Trio. I’m one of them now. Aren’t I?”

I want Scarlet Edge to see me like this.

Before sensible precaution can interrupt, I slap my thigh, have the armour extrude my mobile phone. Another step back frames me perfectly in the mirrored wall. I fumble with the phone camera, hands shaking with unfamiliar nerves, almost excitement; I never use the damn thing, I’ve never done anything like this before. What possible reason would I have to take a selfie?

The first photo is bad. The second and third are a little better. By the fifth I’ve raised my chin, straightened my spine, thrust out my chest. Free hand on my hip. Feet apart. In the sixth I’m wearing a look that isn’t quite a smile, but isn’t anything else. Wish I could take the gauntlet off, show my prosthetic arm, but this isn’t the place to experiment. I redeploy the helmet, take a few pictures all buttoned-up, then fold it away again and take more. Side-on. Full front. Can’t stop.

For documentation, I tell myself. For everybody, so Grimmy and Signal and Bright will know not to attack me on sight. Even as I sort through for the best one, the one I’m going to send to Scarlet Edge as soon as I’m back on Luna. Hope Willow didn’t break my laptop.

Dozens of photos and the novelty ebbs only slightly, but the other feelings sweep back in.

Magical girl, hiding from a Nightmare, taking selfies in a shelter.

“I’m so fucking pathetic.”

I lean back against the far wall and slip my phone away. Slide downward until my armoured backside thumps against the concrete floor. The zoog waddles over, coils around one black-steel ankle, stretches his little paws.

“Willow?” I say.

Nothing. Perhaps a distant howling, like high winds whipping between buildings. A murmur — perhaps a muffled scream — comes from deeper in the shelter; the people inside must have seen the lever move when I tried it, they’re probably terrified there’s some debris managed to get all the way up to the door.

“I suppose we’ve both given up on each other, haven’t we?” Still no response. “Willow?”

The zoog watches me with tiny black eyes, confused in the way only zoogs and small children can be.

“Sorry,” I say to him. “I wasn’t talking to you. When this is over, do you want to go to the moon?”

The zoog opens his jaws, hesitant, unsure.

“The moon,” I repeat. “Luna. All the dog food and oats you can eat. No predators. Actually that’s not entirely true, I think there’s some kind of birds, outdoors, but you don’t have to go there. Nice and warm all year round. Well, I haven’t been there that long myself, but I assume the moon doesn’t have seasons. Maybe it does, you’d have to ask Grimgrave. Grimmy. You’d like Grimmy, she loves zoogs. I think.”

The zoog stares, skittish and ready to bolt, like I’m trying to trick him into consenting to some terrible fate. Can hardly blame him. Zoogs do not live long, far less if they trust humans. This zoog was most likely born on Earth, in England, his entire short life so far spent rummaging in rubbish bins or fleeing from cats, or else building up the courage to venture out into the countryside and join a more stable warren of his kind, free from urban threats, but hunted by foxes, always at risk of traps and gas and ratting hounds.

Suddenly I realise this zoog is no Dreamland creature. He is English, like me.

“Why aren’t there more of you on the moon?” I mutter; the zoog looks baffled, part-frozen, pinned by a trick question. I reach out and run a gauntlet across his back, stroke his fur. “Is it a carrying capacity issue? Are moon-zoogs different somehow? Would you fly apart if I took you up there? Sorry, you have no idea either, these are all just speculation, talking to myself. Where would you like me to leave you, once this Nightmare is past?” The zoog still doesn’t answer. “That’s an actual question. If you can’t answer, don’t worry about it. I’ll find a nice dark alleyway or something, put you down there. Sound good?”

The zoog looks away, around, perhaps seeking advice.

“Nerys?” I try. “Do you know Nerys? Or know about Nerys, I suppose.”

Eyes widen. Jaw hangs open. The zoog goes stiff with something like awe. Have I just spoken the name of a god?

“Nerys is on the moon,” I say. “That’s why—”

“Moon,” he rasps. “Moon!”

Can’t help a smile. Feels like the most gentle thing I’ve done in months. “Okay, little guy. To the moon, then. You hold onto me in the meantime, okay? Do you have any … friends, others you want me to take up there too? Or … ”

The zoog doesn’t answer, too focused on clambering back up into my lap, climbing into my arms, wedging himself firmly back into place. I almost laugh.

“If I have to fight my way back out of here,” I tell him, “I probably won’t be able to carry you like this. Nerys seems to prefer riding on my shoulders. Do you know how to do that?”

The zoog responds with a confused look. I sigh.

“Not there’s much chance of fighting my way back out of anything right now … ”

The zoog nuzzles against my armoured belly, as if he’s discovered something there. In the same way that my armour extruded and reabsorbed my phone, an almost imperceptible pouch opens in the belly of my armour plate, like a wide pocket. The zoog worms his way inside, hind feet and tail slithering after him. I can’t feel anything against my flesh, so he must be contained inside the armour itself. A half-second later his head pokes back out, sniffing and snuffling.

This time I do laugh, incredulous. The zoog-pouch doesn’t seem to add any additional size to the armour. Maybe it works the same way Grimgrave keeps half a dozen guns up her skirt.

“Good solution,” I say. “You stay in there then. No safer place right now, I guess.”

“Yaaaaaah,” the zoog rasps, then vanishes again.

A glance at the airlock door brings the humiliation and frustration back down like a shutter slammed over my mind. The zoog is safe, he could have been safe like this all along. What’s the further point of me staying here, a magical girl cowering in a shelter? What’s the point of all this power if I hide from Willow, when I would rather be knocking her skull apart?

Hot pinpricks blossom behind my eyes.

“Useless,” I whisper. “Useless crippled child. Scarlet Edge isn’t hiding from a fight. Grimgrave is out there, probably. And where am I? Behind shelter doors. Afraid of … of what? Of Willow?” My voice rises. My lungs pump. Anger glows like metal in a forge. “I’m not afraid of you, Willow! I’m not! You think that’s why I’m down here, because I’m afraid!?”

Up I stand. My helmet redeploys, masks me in red-black metal. Stare at the airlock door, the one that leads out.

“I dare you, Willow. I fucking dare you. Open that door, I’ll … I’ll … ”

Knock knock knock—

I almost jump out of my armour, whirl around to the rear. The knock came from behind, from the airlock’s inner door, the final layer before the shelter’s main room.

Then, through the metal: “Hello?”

Thin, young, muffled by steel, right up against the inner door.

Another knock, more hesitant than the first. “H-hello?” the voice calls again. Female. Shaking. Afraid. “Is somebody … is somebody out there? You can come inside, you know? If the … if the outer doors are shut … I … I guess … ”

Whoever you are, you should not be calling out to something on the outside of a shelter. A voice that young, her parents should be telling her to come away from the door, close her mouth, cover her ears. If anybody else inside that shelter is coherent. What if something terrible has happened? What if there’s almost nobody in there, just one young girl and one of her parents, catatonic and foaming from the mouth? What if Willow is playing the cruellest possible trick, a shelter awash in innocent blood that I was too preoccupied to avert? What if that girl is going through exactly what I did? What if this is a trap, designed to torture me with my own past?

Dead or dying inside a collapsed shelter. What if Willow wants to replay that one pivot of cruelty, what if—

“Are you … okay?” the girl calls through the door.

Deep breath. She’s right there, speaking sense, sounds like she’s in one piece, not screaming in agony beneath a mountain of shattered concrete.

“I’m fine,” I shout back. “I’ll be fine out here. Are you okay? Is everything okay in there?”

“ … y-yeah. I think so.” A long pause. “Don’t you want to come inside?”

Something is very wrong.

No young girl should be knocking on the door of a shelter and inviting people inside. Even if her parents are unconscious or raving, she would have been taught, she would know. Everybody knows!

Do I have a duty to check on the people inside this shelter? As if; I’m a revolutionary and a rebel, an enemy of the state. But doesn’t that mean I have even more of a duty? What sense in revolution if we can’t avert the horrors which made us the way we are? Can I risk letting a handful of mundane humans be first public witness to my transformed self? Because I won’t be some messiah striding to their rescue, I’ll be a coward hiding away in a shelter. That’s what the people will see — a magical girl scuttling into safety, a failure and a cripple and a coward, hiding from what she should face. Behind this door are some of the people we need to convince of — of what? Not yet sure. But not a great propaganda coup. Not a good image, a very poor debut.

But still, that girl should not be inviting me in.

A cocktail of doubt rattles through my head, a loose bolt inside a red-lined engine. Perhaps I should check on the shelter, but perhaps not as I am.

The thought triggers a reflex action. My heart stutters, like being flicked beneath the ribs.

Magical girl transformation undoes itself.

Red-black glow gutters out beneath my surfaces, a furnace smothered by ash. Black-steel armour folds up, a machine collapsing into itself, joints disarticulating, plates sliding into nothingness, retracting back inside my body. Machine purity leaves me, a million cables and wires going slack and still, every cell sagging with release. A flush of heat leaves my face and head, skin suddenly cold and chill, vision blurred as the red-black light leaves my eyeballs. My scar gutters back to mundane flesh.

A spark remains, a pilot-light in the engine of my heart. Even as transformation unwinds, I know instinctively that I can re-summon it again with the right thought. This Machine lies dormant, coiled inside my body.

“Ahhhhhh … ow, fuck, ahhh … ”

Pain washes back, heralds the frayed ends of exhaustion. My left arm is on fire from fingertips to elbow, skin peeling all over, massive blisters weeping clear pus, flesh burned red from my earlier proximity to Willow’s toxic aura, back in Plato Base. Moving my fingers is agony now they’re no longer cushioned and cooled inside the machine. My hips feel out of joint from all the running, one staggering step enough to send a jolt up the base of my spine, jagged spears against bone. My thigh is chafed raw inside the socket of my prosthetic leg, flesh sticky with a sheen of blood, a sensation I haven’t had to endure in years. My prosthetic right arm feels loose; something grinds as I lift the limb and make a rough fist. Still works, fingers move, myoelectric pickups in place; the carbon fibre tape might be the only thing holding it together now. One punch to Willow’s face was enough to compromise all my hard work?

The zoog scrambles up onto my shoulders; quick thinking, I would have dropped him otherwise.

“Fuck,” I hiss. “Ahhhh. Maybe I should go back—”

“Hey!” the voice calls through the inner airlock door. “H-hey, are you okay? Miss? Are you okay?”

“ … yeah,” I croak through clenched teeth, sound like a zoog. “Just … ” Shoeless, in pajama bottoms and a t-shirt, radiation burned and bleeding beneath my clothes, ready to sit down and not get back up for twelve hours. “Just … tired.”

“I’m letting you in now!”

Clunk goes the door mechanism. Down goes the lever. The door eases open on silent hinges, but she’s not strong enough to pull it far.

Get inside the shelter, make sure something terrible hasn’t happened, then back out here, and transform again. I can’t stay untransformed for long, not like this, not when I’m physically falling apart.

I push on the door with my prosthetic hand, swing it open easily. Still strong, even untransformed. I drag my feet over the threshold, staggering a few steps to catch myself.

Parliament Road Station Public Shelter #3 — stencilled on the wall in letters seven feet high — is gigantic, designed to accommodate the height of rush-hour, stretching off across naked concrete floor beneath a low ceiling. Occasional posters on the walls urge occupants to keep calm, lead them through basic breathing exercises, or instruct focus on ‘British Values’ without elucidating what exactly British Values might be. The edge of the space is lined with cheap wooden benches, the vast middle dotted with cheaper plastic chairs. Most of the chairs are up front, closest to the door.

Almost deserted. Rush hour had not yet begun when the sirens sounded. Perhaps thirty people huddle in the chairs, sprawled on the benches, some sitting or lying on the floor.

Nobody is handling it well. Nobody ever does.

Hollow eyes, thousand-yard stares; panting and rocking, mumbling and gasping. An older gentleman in the uniform of TFO cleaning staff is curled up in a ball on the floor, spluttering and sobbing like a baby. One young woman has pulled out a clump of her own hair, hand shaking as she stares at the strands, other hand scratching at her bloodied scalp. Several people have their eyes closed tight, trying their best to breathe slowly, steadily, stately; one breaks and grits his teeth, voice rising as inarticulate wail. A middle-aged lady clutches at the air, eyes rolling and lids fluttering, mouth opening and closing, words trapped somewhere below. Somebody has vomited in a messy pile, slightly further back. One man is staring at the ceiling, spread-eagle on the ground, smart business suit ripped open down the front, so still he might be dead.

An older teenage girl cowers by the open door, a surprise; from her voice I had expected a child ten years younger. Tall and thin, lanky and awkward, short hair, dark skin, eyes like puncture wounds in a storm. She’s dressed in a suit, skirt, tights, self-conscious and ill-fitting, perhaps for the first job interview of her life. Breathing too heavily. Scratching at herself.

A few weeks ago I would have passed a woman like this in the street like a slug passes a tiger. Superficially pretty, dressed for future success, whole and hale and together. I would have hidden my prosthetic, turned my scar away, not dared look. Now I’m wounded and bleeding and on display and I don’t care.

What’s wrong with this picture? Nothing; nothing unusual for a shelter in the height of a Nightmare. And that’s what’s wrong.

Focus on the girl. “Are you okay?”

Eyes wide as coal-pits, dark and empty. She can’t answer.

“Hey. Hey!” I snap right in her face. She flinches. “Are you okay? Answer me.”

She frowns through the brain-fog; what a stupid question. Her lips struggle to part, the word stuck. “W— w— well … no? No. Um … you have a … ” She points. “You have a zoog on your shoulder.”

A sigh. “Ignore that. I mean is anything abnormal happening down here? Abnormal for in a shelter?”

She manages to shake her head. “I should … s-shut the door … ”

I raise my prosthetic arm, block her way. Don’t cut off my escape, something here is very wrong.

“You should know not to open the door to monsters.” I tell the girl. “That was very dangerous. You shouldn’t have done that. You know that, you’re not a child.”

Through all the weight of the Nightmare overhead, the girl manages to give me a look that says I am just the wrong side of adulthood not to sound like an idiot. Teenager, definitely, I decide.

“Are you a … a monster?” she squeezes out.

“No, but—”

“Then who … who are you?”

“Nobody.” This Machine, beyond your comprehension. “How were you able to get up during all this?” I glance around at the room again, at the other faces absorbed in their private struggles to stay above water; nobody has even reacted to a teenage girl getting up to break the shelter’s seal?

“I … don’t know … ”

Cold realisation settles in my chest. There’s no panel or screen anywhere, no way for the occupants of the shelter to tell if there’s anybody inside the airlock.

“Wait, wait!” I stumble to one side, block her as she reaches for the door again. Her eyes boggle at my burns. “How did you even know I was there?” A dull blink. “Think,” I hiss. “How did you know I was out there?”

A shrug, hesitant, fragile. “I really don’t know. I just … it seemed like … ” She blinks hard, eyes clouding. “Seemed like I should … shouldn’t leave somebody behind … ”

“Hey.”

A rough voice, from a man with a face like an axe-wound. Stocky, heavy, curled up around his midsection as if he’s nursing a stomach upset, seated in one of the plastic chairs.

Wide eyes stare at me in dull recognition.

“Hey. Hey,” he repeats, tremor growing in his voice. “It’s her. It’s— it’s her. On telly, I saw you on telly.” He tries to sit up, points at me, starting to pant, fear turning him waxen. “D-Dreamer! She’s a Dreamer!”

A ripple passes through the thin crowd. Those capable of coherent thought look up in consternation, faces pinched, frowning, drinking down a cocktail of fear and disgust, the edge of panic, a hint of fanatic rejection. Several people lurch to their feet or try to stand up. Somebody babbles out a high-pitched warning. Another voice blurts my name.

Octavia Carter. Uncontained Dreamer. Terrorist and murderer.

Everyone in the country knows my face; half the world has seen edited footage of me fighting Scarlet Edge, or glimpsed me at the starting line of a revolution up on that hospital rooftop. They don’t know I’m a magical girl, they know nothing about me except what the government has put in their heads. And they shouldn’t know, should they? I’ve transformed. I’ve become This Machine.

They should all have forgotten Octavia Carter.

But the Great British public have not forgotten what they’ve been conditioned to hate. Light sparks behind a few too many eyes, adrenaline and cortisol flooding for flight-or-fight. Muscles twitch, fingers reach, eyes dart.

Raise my prosthetic hand. “Wait—”

One young man picks up his plastic chair, holds it aloft. A woman dressed in a smart business suit grabs a bunch of keys from her bag, the biggest key between her knuckles as a pitiful weapon. People fall over in their haste to back away from me, leaving a few brave or cruel candidates at the fore. Fists come up; a jacket comes off, snapped between hands as if to catch a knife; a belt buckle fumbles into sweaty hands, a makeshift garrote.

“—she’s gonna kill us all, she’s gonna—”

“—get her away from the door, she’s blocking to the door—”

“—don’t touch her, don’t touch her! Whatever you do, don’t touch her!”

“Hey, hey!” the first man — axe-face — shouts again, up on his feet now, a mask of terror and courage over his eyes. “Hey, you get away from that kid. You hear me? You get away from that girl!”

Takes a heartbeat to realise he means the teenage girl who invited me in. Hardly a kid.

A worst fear, finally brought to life; a room full of people all screaming and wailing at me, the freak and the cripple, the unwanted remnant, the monster from the television. My throat seizes up, I try to mumble an apology, a bow of my head, backing out through the door. Not wanted, never wanted, even by the people I’m supposed to be — what, protecting? I’m not their magical girl. I’m here to shatter England, shatter the world. Old bitterness stirs in my chest, choked by older fear. How dare they?

The door at my back closes with a thump. The teenage girl shut it while I wasn’t looking. She stumbles past me, eyes glazed with confusion, hands a-tremor, a jumble of broken words spilling from her lips.

She lurches as if pulled on invisible strings, suddenly diverts from her course, slumps against my right side, a weight I can hardly bear.

“You get away from her!” Axe-face bellows again. Takes a step toward me. Raises his fists. Sets his shoulders.

A little courage drags the rest of them forward, eyes wild with madness which has nothing to do with the Nightmare. The other man with the chair raises it high, to dash my brains out. An older woman has grabbed a broom from somewhere, handle held like a spear to force me back. Somebody lurches upright, spilling plastic chairs behind, hands outstretched and grasping for my throat. Somebody shouts ‘kill it! kill it!’

A split-second was all it took; now they’re a pack of braying animals, hooting and howling, chimpanzees at a murder. A real Dreamer would dismiss them with a glare, turn them to glass or to frogs, melt them together into a single fleshy mass, without the slightest care. A real Dreamer would not be forced to endure this final and total indignity.

And behind them all, standing serene and smiling, caught in a snatched gap between one shoulder and the next — Willow.

She smiles, vicious in victory.

Willow has set me up. Forced me into an impossible position. She has taken control of where and when and how I get to reveal my transformed self to the world. Either I transform now, a magical girl huddling in a shelter, a punchline to a lifetime of being a joke — or these blood-maddened, Nightmare-wracked English will beat me to death with chair legs and fists, for the crime of standing too close to a girl they don’t even know. These animals, led by the nose, by the very thing they claim to hate.

Anger bubbles up like magma, erupts from my throat.

“Down!” I roar.

The mob recoils, flinching back on tripping heels, blinking and winded and uncertain why they do as I say. They obey because they’re animals.

Or perhaps because my transformation flickers at the edge of my vision, a second skin of black armour not quite made real.

Willow’s face twists with frustration. Somebody staggers past her; she’s gone.

Straighten my spine. Raise my chin. Breathing like bellows, but anger controlled. Not their fault; their responsibility, but not fault.

“You cretins,” I hiss, shaking inside, amazed by my own defiance. Since when do I speak like this? “You think a Dreamer would wander into a shelter?” A beat, too long. “I don’t hear any answers. Do you think a Dreamer would fail to defend herself, against— against chair legs and fists?” Another beat. They have not yet learned. Raise my arms, prosthetic and flesh, one wrapped in tape, the other burned to blisters. The teenage girl finally stands upright again, leaves my side with a sheen of surprise on her face, eyes me with confusion. “Do you think a Dreamer would choose to look like this? You think I walk around with half my body missing for … what, for fun?”

Throats bob. Eyes avert. Makeshift weapons sag. A chair clatters to the floor. I am not getting through to them, I am merely exercising power.

“Let—” Axe-face man says again, so much weaker than before. He gestures at the teenage girl. “Let her go, then.”

The girl shares a glance with me, then staggers away. The half-ring mob stands and stares, dumb as bovines, robbed of the only handhold they had.

“I’m not a Dreamer,” I say, slow and low. “I was never a Dreamer. The government lies to you about everything else, so why not this? You know that. You know so much of it is all lies. So why believe—”

Click-click-click-whirrrrrrr—

A sound vibrates into the shelter through three airlock doors, high-pitched and electrical, a whirring the likes of which I’ve never heard before.

Just enough time to look back over my shoulder.

BRRRRRTTTTTTTTT—

A mechanical screech, high and tight and crunchy. Half the shelter screams or gasps, stumbles back, goes for the walls.

The gun turrets outside, opening up and doing their job, bullets thudding through concrete and meat; I’d thought they were just for show.

—RRRRRRTTTTTTTT—

Then a ripping, tearing, wrenching sound. Metal and wire and concrete pulled from a loose socket, crashing to the floor, sparking and whirring and fluttering and flickering, and then finally fading away, to sudden and total silence.

No more gunfire.

The Great British Public freeze, all eyes on the inner airlock door. Feet begin a retreat, backing away from the entrance. Chairs scrape. Breath catches. Somebody takes refuge directly behind my back — the teenage girl, shivering hard.

Axe-wound mutters, “Maybe they chased off whatever was—”

The world detonates.

The airlock door crumples inward, folded easily as tissue paper, tearing a ragged ring of concrete from the surrounding wall. Ceiling and floor fissure and part, jagged ruin bucking from below and spearing from above. Masonry dust and metal shrapnel saturate the air, a choking cloud of steel slivers and pulverised brick. Rebar and wires and dirt and filth crash down in a drowning torrent as the lights go out and the screams start.

Somebody grabs me from behind, just before the world finishes imploding.

Worst day of my life in mocking replay. Ten years old, a helpless child trapped in a shelter collapse; twenty years old, a magical girl strong enough to bend steel with bare hands, and I’m back here again. Back here, always back here, a fixed point in time and space I will never escape, no matter how strong I grow or how far I run. For me the world is forever caught in the moment of collapse and the long-suffering aftermath of pain and amputation. I will always be an undead monument to a girl who never got to live.

A final split-second before the world swallows me, Willow’s face glows gold amid the collapsing ruin.

She strides in through the shattered airlock, smiling with inevitable triumph, despite the bruise on her face. Reality twists a half-step to the right and freezes in place, so she can get her words in before I’m buried.

“Enough running away for you, I think,” she says. “You’re right about that, Octavia. You will never escape this moment, not by yourself.”

She reaches out a hand, reaches through the frozen collapse, offers me her help.

“I am your only way out,” she says. “I’ve always been your only way out. Take my—”

I jerk my head forward, get my teeth around two of her fingers before she can retract — little and ring — and clamp down as hard as I can. Joints part, cartilage tears, Willow screams. I bite off two of her fingers and spit them in her face, spraying her with a mouthful of her own voided blood.

Willow recoils, wailing, bleeding, clutching her ruined hand. I grin bloody and triumphant, from the bottom of a pit, but still free. Time resumes in a furious eye-blink.

Collapse crashes down, buries me in darkness and concrete and steel, an old friend’s familiar embrace.

~~~~~~~

Think I’m transformed. Did it on reflex. Self-preservation.

Rough concrete scrapes across raw metal. Breath stutters and snorts, close and contained; helmet, maybe.

Darkness occludes in stuttering waves, throbs with red-dyed pain, shows glimpses of a jagged world, infinite crags, lethal confusion.

Somebody is weeping, whimpering, wounded. Not me, for once. Tiny vulnerability is cradled close to my belly, inside my armour, breathing rapidly. A zoog. The world stutters back in false colour, lit red-black from the lanterns of my own eyes. A girl lies twisted and bleeding beneath me — the teenage girl, she trickles back into my memory, lanky and dark and skittish, the one who let me into the shelter. She’s still conscious, eyes narrowed to blood-pained slits, face stained white with masonry dust. Protected by the black-metal arch of my back.

Consciousness betrays its mistress, fades and falters when I most need to stay here, stay alert, stay vigilant. The engine is eternal, This Machine cannot die; I gutter, go out, return in stuttering fits, but the armour stays locked in place, holds up this tiny pocket of the collapsed world, protecting some scrap of flesh still struggling to live.

Somebody is digging through the rubble, boring through concrete and steel like butter. Somebody who doesn’t need hands to dig.

“Will— Willow—” A gurgle, all I can manage, broken and flooded. “Keep— away—”

Metal scrapes as concrete shifts; my back, heaving to break free. But my eyes gutter out again, red-dyed world flickering to black. Hands slide into the gap my strength has held open, drags a heavy weight from beneath me.

“What interesting priorities you have,” Willow hisses, simmering with disgust.

“No—”

Sight returns in a crimson stutter. I’m alone in the crush of shattered concrete. The girl from the shelter is gone.

The world dims out for a long time. Flickers dead in red and black. Throbs back in red-black clarity, furnaces self-stoking.

Consciousness cools itself, grows firm enough to grip. A grunt through my teeth.

“Uhhhh … ”

I’m buried in rubble and rebar, pinned by a mass of broken concrete and twisted metal, crumpled on my front, encased inside the protection of my armour. Somehow I can still see; the world is dyed a deep red, light pouring from inside my own eyes. Everything aches, head ringing, meat tenderised, but the parts of me that matter seem to be intact.

I have a passenger, the zoog I rescued, curled up and panting in terror inside the metal pouch over my gut. Can’t see any other survivors.

Willow engineered this to punish me, throw me back into the deepest pit of my childhood, the moment Octavia Carter ended, trapped and dying beneath a collapsed shelter. Physical confrontation terrifies her, so she attacks my fears, plunges me into the terror of my own memories. Darkness, blood, pain. Down here at the end of my world, all over again.

Old fears shrivel and shrink before the forge-fire behind my eyes.

I fill my lungs with dust-choked air, inhale against the weight of rubble, and roar.

Force my back against broken concrete, get my hands and knees beneath me. You think this was enough to stop me, Willow? You think I’m still a ten-year-old girl, broken and limbless, huddled in a wheelchair, waiting for you to come rescue me? I am This Machine. I am armoured with slices of the void. My heart is an engine fuelled by substances of which you cannot conceive, which would melt your flesh from your bones. And I am going to tear your head off your shoulders. I am going to peel you open and extract truth.

Broken concrete and shattered steel shift with stubborn reluctance, scraping off my armour, snagging my hips, trying to puncture my ribs. But my steel shell is inviolate. I push and yank and crawl and squirm. Rubble turns to slurry, thick as magma, but I am unstoppable.

I died here once. I came back as nothing, lived as a memory, then made this machine from my own corpse. You cannot kill what is already dead.

Step by step I haul myself through the ruin, sometimes full-body wading as if underwater, more often crawling and writhing, kicking and tearing, a metal worm in stony guts. Concrete parts beneath my hands. Steel twists aside under my arms. I dig like a mole through rubble and ruin, ranting and screaming all the while, shouting Willow’s name, promising punishments I forget the moment they leave my lips. Gibbering, screeching, hissing like a zoog. Spittle-froth mad, sentence fragments stumbling and slamming onward.

If my rage falters, if I let those fires burn low, terror will overwhelm me. I will drown if I don’t rage.

My hands hit solid matter, anchored in the ground — stairs, steps. Up I go, toward points of prismatic unlight shining darkly through the rubble, the swirl of the Nightmare. I roar at that as well; let the Nightmare know I am going to pulverise it and rip its guts out and stamp on the remains, that I am going to sink my fists into a soft underbelly of dream and tear out glistening entrails and crush them in my fists and— and—

Close to the surface I’m almost spent, spitting single words between rasping for breath. Within reach of freedom, my fingers falter and fail, pushing against the last few slabs of fallen concrete.

A wordless whine rises in my throat, ten-year-old me overwhelmed by fear.

Even magical girls have limits.

“—somebody in there? Hey! Hey, I can see you! Hold on, hold on!”

Saintly strength parts the rubble, hauls away chunks of concrete. Slender steel gauntlets reach down into my tomb and pull me free, deliver me from this second womb, out into the Nightmare.

I stagger to catch my balance, prosthetic leg slamming down, wobbly as true flesh for once. Raise my helmeted face to the sky, suck down great gasps of tainted air.

Back on the surface. A titan of black metal, free once again.

Parliament Square, the same tangled road junction from which I descended into the station, dotted with statues slathered in Nightmare-gunk. To my rear is a collapsed maw of rubble where the entrance to the station once lay; a sinkhole has swallowed half of the neighbouring building, glass and steel collapsed into a tangle of shards and spears, sagging into a gaping wound in the earth, all still wrapped in Nightmare’s swirling substrate. The Oxford Parliament looms through the prismatic murk ahead, clearer and bolder now, a dirty white beacon in the sheets of impossible light.

The local substrate seems thinner somehow, holes and gaps sagging amid the maelstrom. Up in the sky, the core of the Nightmare grows more visible by the second, a bright band of impossible colours listing to one side, pockmarked with craters, blighted with crimson flames, lashing out with semi-visible loops and lashes of translucent force. A crown of thorns, divinity sagging into gravity’s mud.

“Hey, hey!” A silvered gauntlet waves in front of my face. “Hey, were there other people down there? Other people? Hey?”

My rescuer is a fairytale knight dressed in blue steel and long skirts, her armour gleaming like polished cobalt, dented and stained here and there by recent damage, brown-bronze burns streaking the metal. Long blonde ponytail, eyes the colour of tropical seas, an aura of perfect clear skies at her back, hanging like a cape. Shorter and younger than me, a serious frown on a delicate face. A gigantic silver warhammer waits at her side like a loyal hound on its haunches, head smeared with pulped purple viscera.

Azure Infinity.

I have been rescued by one third of the Trio of Albion.

She waves her gauntlet in front of my face again. “Sister, are you concussed? Can you hear me? I need to know, were there other people down there?”

Deep breaths. Straighten my spine. Flex my fists. Should I sucker punch her before she knows who I am? Tempting, but I can’t; I’d want her to know who’s breaking her jaw.

“Sister?” she presses. “I’ve never met you before. What’s your name?” She repeats, slowly, loudly: “Your name?”

Shake my head. Not ready for that yet. “Other people,” I mutter, throat raw, voice hoarse from screaming and shouting. Speaking feels difficult, words hard to grasp. “Down there. Yeah. Thirty or so. Maybe.”

Azure nods, brow tight and determined. She glances down into the hole from which I crawled. “This Nightmare’s on the way down, but it’ll be two hours at least before a rescue crew can get out here. I don’t know how you crawled out of there, it’s beyond me, but … but thirty people.” She swallows, glances up at the Nightmare, chewing her lip. “I thought I felt something odd. We can’t just … ”

The zoog in my belly-pouch emerges, scrambles up my armour to one shoulder, curls into place.

Azure does a slow double take at the zoog, then at me; the nature of her frown shifts. “I still don’t recognise you,” she says slowly. “You didn’t give your name. Who are you with, sister?”

I don’t answer right away. Azure’s silver warhammer leaps into her hand. Her face hardens. The zoog on my shoulder hisses at her, good boy.

“You’re with them, aren’t you?” Azure says. “The terrorists.”

My helmet retracts, folds down into my armour. Black hair falls free, whips out to one side, caught on Nightmare’s intangible breeze.

For a moment Azure shows no recognition, just a frown of denial and disgust. Then she blinks hard, the outward sign of some inner struggle, the pinprick pop of a dreamlike membrane.

Her eyes widen, her mouth hangs open.

“You!” she says.

“Me. And you know me. How the hell do you know me? You all should have forgotten.”

Eyes travel up and down my armour. “But you’re … ”

“Better armoured than you, Azure.”

Azure Infinity shakes her head. “They told us you were … they told us … ”

“Lies.”

Azure’s eyes flick to mine, sudden and solid and still. “We were told you’re a murderer, and I know that part is true.”

No comeback to that, mostly because she’s right. Octavia Carter, magical murderer, terrorist from the moon, England’s most wanted. Suits me well; a smile cracks my lips, can’t help it. Madness cackles behind my face.

Azure finally lifts her hammer, doubled-handed, light as air. Like I might rush her. I might.

I raise my chin, flex my right hand, make a fist. No idea what I’m doing, heart crunching into gear, head flush with fire, still battered and bruised from the shelter collapse. Pain is everywhere but pain doesn’t matter. This Machine operates regardless.

“Are you alone?” Azure asks.

“Are you?”

Hesitation. “Listen. Octavia, Miss Carter. This doesn’t have to happen, we don’t have to do this. My … my offer to you still stands. Come in quietly, and I’ll protect you.”

I almost laugh, a single snort. The zoog on my shoulders joins in, a rattling rasp.

“Bit late for that.”

Azure shakes her head. Stands up straight, puffs out her chest. A child in stolen armour, a play-acting knight. “It’s never too late for justice. You would understand, if you hadn’t been lied to so much. I’m sorry, on behalf of everything that put you here. I’m sorry this happened to you, but you have to stop. I’m offering you a way to stop.”

“You sound like a cartoon. A bad one. About yourself.”

She scowls. “You make it sound sordid, like it’s not true! But it is. Octavia—”

“You don’t get to use that name,” I spit. “None of you do. To you, I am This Machine. Unless you want to do me the respect of giving me your real—”

“Valerie.”

A pinprick of bizarre pressure pops inside my head.

“Valerie Talbot.” Azure Infinity swallows hard. “Not that you can make the connection without more, I know how it works. But there, you have it, you have me. Same as I have you, though I don’t understand how that’s happened.”

“Why … ”

Azure — Valerie? — speaks through gritted teeth and tortured eyes. “Because I know there’s been a terrible injustice against you. Because I know this is all wrong. Because I have to fix this. Because—”

“Because you’ve discovered you’re working for a cabal of Dreamer supremacists?”

Azure’s scowl turns dark as thunder. “That is not true! That’s not how it works! You sound like … you’re as bad as … ”

“No point me ‘coming quietly’,” I hiss. “The only reason you were ordered to do that is for Willow Finch, and I’m beyond her reach now.”

“I do not take orders from any Dreamer,” Azure hisses. Lying to herself.

“Are we going to fight, Azure? Or are you going to follow whatever conscience you’re pretending to have?”

A flex of her gauntlets around her hammer. “It’s not pretend. It’s not, damn you! But … but … if you won’t come quietly, I will do my duty. I will—”

“You will do no such thing.”

A familiar voice interrupts, rings out across Parliament Square, tight and hot with humiliated dignity.

Willow stands atop one of the nearby statue plinths, some toppled monster of the British Empire shattered at her feet, backlit by the churning Nightmare. She is not alone; a bloody, dust-caked figure stands at her side, Willow’s mangled right hand around her throat, eyes rolled back, head lolling. The girl from the shelter, the one I protected in the rubble, her smart, poorly-fitting suit torn and ripped and bloody.

Azure whirls toward Willow, points her hammer one-handed.

“You again!” Azure shouts. “You—” A hesitation, a fight behind Azure’s eyes. “You unhand that woman, right now! There are limits to this, Miss Finch!”

Willow regards Azure Infinity with dull contempt. “You will do as you’re told, toy soldier. You’ve played your part, now you’re overstepping your mark. Go on, run along, get back to the main show, before the curtain call.”

Azure seethes behind clenched teeth. “I don’t care what authority you claim, we’re in the middle of a Nightmare. You will unhand that woman, and then I am taking Octavia Carter into custody. If you resist, I’ll … I’ll … ”

Willow ignores her, looks to me; her face is still marred by the bruise I gave her, a crust of blood around her left eye-socket.

“Octavia,” she sighs, unimpressed, sorrowful. “Why this girl? Why this one girl? Is it her looks? Was it something I failed to understand you needed? Why her?”

That girl is up there because I protected her. An opportunistic target for Willow’s jealousy.

Can’t find words, wasted on Willow now. She waits, expecting a serious response, another argument, more debate.

Willow sighs, doing a very good impression of deep melancholy. “I’m afraid I’m very disappointed in you, Octavia. I didn’t even think that was possible.” She sniffs, wipes one finger beneath her eyes, as if she’s crying. “You and I have so many differences to reconcile, but I can see now it’s going to take much longer than a few days, maybe longer even than weeks, or months. You will come back to me, I know you will. But you have been lied to by evil people—”

I roar, inarticulate, wordless, a machine-sound pounding up from my deeps. Splutter and catch, cough and rattle, and then my engines fire again, so loud it shakes the Nightmare substrate. Trail off, panting, steaming with rage.

Willow really does look disappointed. Azure Infinity glances between us, eyes scrunched with disbelief.

The injured young woman at Willow’s side takes a step forward, as if propelled by Willow’s hand on her neck.

“In your absence,” Willow says, eyes glossy with tears, “I need some comfort of my own. I am considering the most pitiful of all contingencies, and I want you to know that this isn’t an attempt to stir you to natural jealousy, whatever it may look like. I could do this behind your back, but … no, I want you to see what you’re doing to me, Octavia. I want you to understand why I must rely on a temporary replacement, and why she must be so similar to you. Because it’s only you I want, you see? I want nobody else, no replacement will do, it will be a pale, hollow, useless mimicry. But I’ll have to make do.”

The young woman raises her own right arm, as if in a trance. Willow traces a line around her upper arm with the tip of one finger.

“Here, I think,” Willow says, voice a-quiver. “This was the exact site of your amputation. I can make it quick for her, easy and painless, but for you it wasn’t. So, yes. For her it must be similar.”

Her eyes flick to me, searching for — what? Jealousy? Does she think I’m jealous? Willow comprehends nothing.

I take one step toward the plinth, metal boot cracking the concrete; the zoog scurries down my front and slips into the pouch again.

Azure raises her hammer to halt me. Her face says control is crumbling. “You—” She stammers, shakes her head. “You can’t—”

“Whose side are you on?” I hiss. No answer, just wide eyes and a hard swallow. “What do you fight for, Azure?”

“For England! For justice. What else?”

“Not enough.”

I push past her hammer; she lets me go. My right fist comes together, knuckles locked into place. Willow turns to me with a face full of tears, looking down from her stolen plinth, face breaking into a quivering smile.

“It’s too early for forgiveness right now, Octavia,” she says. “I think we need some time apart. I think we both need some space.”

My helmet rises over my face and head, sealing This Machine against Nightmare and Dream.

“Willow.”

Her face brightens. “Octavia—”

“Hold still,” I growl. “While I break you.”



Previous Chapter Next Chapter



This Machine is locked and loaded and ready to rumble; Azure seems a little surprised. Then again, so is Octavia.

And the next chapter is the final chapter of arc 5! This arc actually turned out a lot shorter than I originally expected, sharp and snappy and pretty much to-the-point, though the girls did manage to surprise me quite a bit on the way there. Arc 6 is coming up soon, and I am very excited for it indeed.

Anyway! Before she can there, Octavia’s got her first real test drive, as it were. A live combat situation. That is, if Willow is willing to fight back, and fight fair …

Meanwhile, if you want more Maidens right away, you can always:

Subscribe on Patreon!

Right now my patrons have access to three chapters ahead! For the moment I’m going to try to keep it as three; in the future I hope to push this out to more.

And thank you, dear readers! Thank you so much for being here and reading my little story. It really does mean so much to me that so many readers are out there enjoying what I’m putting together with Maidens. We’re still very much in the early movements of the story, and I am having a great time with it. I hope you are too! Thank you!

Next chapter, magical girls throw down the gauntlet. Time to fight for real.

Maidens of the Fall – Parasomnia – 5.4

Content Warnings

Discussion of suicide
Discussion of self-harm (MAJOR)
Unreality
Stalking
Ableism



Previous Chapter Next Chapter



A waking mote alone and unprotected, storm-tossed on tempestuous dreams, drowned in the heart of a Nightmare.

Mundane homo sapiens generally do not survive direct exposure. Ten feet of concrete and lead will blunt the worst of the psychological effects; a stout steel door will shield the fragile human corpus from interruption by debris, as it sobs and screams and struggles not to soil itself. A properly built shelter, preferably underground, is by far the safest place to ride out the shock-wave of a passing Dreamland visitor — no matter how you might watch the faces of your family seem to melt and run and dribble from their skulls, or how badly you will weep and wail in a voice you never knew you had, or the crawling of strange subconscious thoughts dredged from their deeps and brought to the fore. Ignore the urge to claw at your own face and peel off your skin. Resist the penned-in need to bite through your tongue or pull out your own fingernails. Transient, those feelings are not you, and they will soon pass.

Such things happen in shelters. Mercifully rare.

Those who cannot reach a shelter in time are advised to stay indoors, get down into a cellar if you have one, the lowest part of your home otherwise, preferably an inner room, no exterior walls. Make sure the windows are barred and the doors are locked; some debris knows how to break glass and turn handles. Close any curtains if you can, don’t look outside. Plug your ears and shut your eyes. Lock yourself in the bathroom and climb into the tub.

You may soil yourself, or scream until you can’t, or go briefly blind and deaf, or think yourself dead, or forget your name. You will likely see things on the inside of your own eyelids that you will not remember later, but it’s best not to try. You will be at increased long-term risk of certain mental illnesses. You will probably be on a Dream Control watchlist, but then again you were probably on those already.

But you’ll live. You’ll be human when it’s over. You’ll remember yourself. Waking life returns.

If you’re caught in the open, can’t even duck into an abandoned house or crawl beneath a car, then you’re probably going to die, or worse.

When the wave-front hits, disorientation will shake you inside-out. Up is down and black is white. You don’t exist, you’ve been dead for years, and your body is rotting. Your hands are hammers and the world must be demolished — or at least as much of it as you can reach until your tools wear out. Everyone you’ve ever known is peering over your shoulders, urging you onward to some great secret only you can reach. The impossible colours in the sky speak a hidden language and you must record every word by writing it into your own skin with a knife. You are paralysed, face down, in religious awe. You took a weapon with you as you fled to the shelter and now you turn it on yourself, though you have never felt suicidal in your life. You eat your own fingers; you eat the person next to you. You strip naked and parade through the streets with a dozen others who were caught outdoors in the Nightmare, howling a song in a language never heard before in the waking world.

If the Nightmare itself doesn’t get you, sometimes the debris will.

So go the horrors reported by those few survivors, quick enough to throw themselves into a shop doorway and curl into a ball, or lucky enough not to bleed out from self-mutilation. None are ever the same again, crippled by tremors and twitches, haunted by post-traumatic stress, lost in unquiet spiritual contemplation, unable to communicate, stuck speaking in tongues.

It is an open secret that most end up as permanent residents of I&O, or else wander off into the dream.

The government uses the ones it doesn’t censor, parades them on television, the consequences of disregarding official advice. But only when their stories of survival are comfortably adjacent to waking sanity.

We all politely pretend the more metaphysical casualties aren’t real. Survivors speak of strange things deep inside Nightmares — alien slave-auctions run by sapient colours, century-long tea-parties attended by carnivorous fairies, fields of clocks that count down to universal transition, crusts of ice that self-propagate through the void of space all the way to the galactic edge. But they’re disturbed and unwell, who knows what they really saw, and there’s never any evidence of such impossible sights when the Nightmare has passed. Raw footage persists online — people turned into statues of living coral, shambling mummified amalgams of flesh and cloth, figures melted into brick and concrete, streets filled with disembodied mouths debating philosophy. But all that is easily dismissed as foreign lies or clever fakes.

Magical girls are, of course, immune. Officially.

Willow’s proximity — the neutron-star soul-gravity of a mature Lucid Dreamer — forces a brief pocket of low pressure in the Nightmare’s airborne substrate. An eye in the storm, clear from the thickest press of radiant miasma, the sheets of falling un-light, the unnatural colours, and the choking, pounding waves of Dreamland whale-song. Willow’s mere presence parts the roiling sea, so that she and I may lock eyes across twenty feet of Oxford street.

She withdraws. The Nightmare rushes back in to fill the void. Stormy sea unparts, rejoins itself, with me at the bottom.

Prismatic white-out crashes down, whirling and tumbling beyond my newfound shell of red-black steel.

Can’t see more than five feet, not even from inside the protection of my helmet; the air shudders with oily miasma, tar poured across sheets of falling light, staining the world with a veil of paradoxical negative illumination, shadow-as-substance, colour-in-shadow, an offensive impossibility that hurts the eyes and churns the gut. Phantasmal wind whips against my suit of armour, sliding off the plates, seeking seams by which to invade. Inhuman shapes race past in the murk, half-glimpsed forms that might be only the bulk of parked cars and the shaking trunks of roadside trees, if not for trailing tips of ragged tentacles, wafting membranes of torn flesh, and the click of diamond-hard claws on asphalt and concrete.

The vast crown of thorns in the bruise-wracked sky is swallowed up behind a thousand layers of dream-stuff, muffling the distant sounds of magical girls, gunshots and explosions reduced to whispered suggestions, choked out, gone.

The song from Nightmare’s heart still throbs on in tangible silence, worming into my ears, compounding the pressure behind my eyes.

I should crown myself. Dig holes in my skull and anchor a wreath in my flesh. Assert my right to rule with thorn and thistle.

Throw a parade in my honour. March at the head and proclaim knights and barons on every side.

Crown thyself, weakling! Crown and rule!

Nightmare nonsense; nothing by comparison with the compulsions I endured from Willow’s dream-parasite. A hard blink keeps the alien thoughts at bay, but cannot banish them completely.

Magical girls are perhaps not so immune as everyone prefers to believe.

That’s what I am now; Magical girl, transformed in full, protected and cradled inside a suit of iron-hard black-steel armour. Yet still instantly lost in the middle of a Nightmare. A moment ago I was in a street; when I blunder forward to find the spot where Willow hit the pavement and crashed through a brick wall, I stagger into the glass walls of an office building. Step away and I’m in the centre of a road again, light-washed murk churning thick on every side. The ground warps and shivers and bucks beneath my feet. Buildings twist into living spirals, helices stretching to the sky. Asphalt ripples like water, contorts into waves, tries to throw me from my feet. Faces leer in my peripheral vision, snapping sharp teeth inches from my helmet, weeping for me to save them from hell, mouthing insults worse than anything the waking mind could compose.

The Nightmare is nothing like I imagined. I am not insensible to this, even if I am protected; the Octavia Carter of an hour ago would have curled up in a ball and screamed until her throat burst. Fear comes creeping back. I can still die down here. Magical girls die all the time.

But the euphoria of freedom will not bow before fear; and besides, I have matters to settle.

“Willow!”

I bellow her name, a cocktail of outrage, mad laughter, desperate desire. The press of Nightmare-storm throbs outward, overwhelmed by anger.

“Willow! Willow!” I whip left and right, but all ways are the same. “You coward, Willow!”

She’s afraid I’ll punch her again, because next time I won’t stop, and she is so very right to be afraid. I will crack her skull with my armoured right fist and peel back her living brains until I can haul out the little girl she subsumed, the Willow I met in the dream. I will beat her to death and bring her back to life as what she should always have been.

“You chased me when I was helpless,” I roar. “And now you run from me when I can fight back!? You coward! You rotten fucking bitch! You— you’re— you’re—”

You’re mine, Willow.

Mine?

Have I gone mad? Was that whole dream a trick, a clever play to bend me in this new direction? Since when do I wish to lay claim to Willow? I would be happy if I never had to see her again, content to forget her face and the sound of her voice and the feel of her hands in mine. But that’s impossible, isn’t it? Willow will haunt me until my death, maybe even beyond. These thoughts are mine, no parasite in the back of my head, I’m clean now, all myself.

I want to kill Willow, and save her, and make her submit, make her grovel and beg and admit what she did. I want the Willow from that dream back. I want to break her bones and find the truth on the inside. I want the Willow of the present day on a leash, the Willow of ten years ago set free. I want her. I always wanted her.

And now I’m the one with all the power.

“Willow!”

A pucker forms in the oil-dark morass, perhaps a hundred feet to my right.

Willow’s face. A simple oval framed by storm-tossed halo. Pale, no expression, unblemished.

I hurl myself at her, standing start to maximum sprint in the blink of an eye, metal-shod boots slamming sparks from asphalt and cracking the concrete. My right leg is a hydraulic piston yoked to an inexhaustible engine. My armour — my body! — is a battering ram, shattering a hundred sheets of false light against my shoulders and helm. My right arm is a jackhammer, my fist a black diamond drill bit, aimed to crack Willow’s skull and chew up her innards.

No time to marvel at what transformation has wrought from my dried-out old corpse. Later, later. Now, Willow.

She retreats through the Nightmare, a floating fog-wrapped oval, face always toward me. Across broken concrete, past looming cliffs that might still be houses, through open junctions like oil-choked lagoons. Lungs pound inside my chest, breath rasping in my helmet, limbs heating like overworked engines. But Willow cannot escape, because I am a perfect machine, and machines never tire.

“Willow!” I roar. “Stop running, you coward, you—”

A mass of writhing flesh spins out of the murk, spewing gasses and dribbling thin mucus. A Volans polypus — flying polyp, one of the most common wanderers from the dream, whipped along by the Nightmare — slams into me like a bus, knocks me off my feet, trumpeting a surprised sound like a dozen peat-clogged bagpipes.

Down I go, clatter and clang, black armour a collection of metal dustbins against the road, crashing chest-first into a kerb, rattling my teeth, jarring my bones.

Shock keeps me down, counting the heartbeats, breath loud inside my helmet.

“Ah … ahhhhh … ”

Bruised and battered but no broken bones, I haul myself back to my feet. The polyp is long gone, carried off into Nightmare’s whirl, probably with no idea where it is or what’s happening to it. Pure accident. Debris.

Willow’s gone too. No more floating face.

Can’t see anything, no buildings, no far side of the street, lost deep in shuddering un-light and cloying gloom. Impossible colours fall and flutter like broken glass in a hurricane, a swirl of sea-bottom chaos. The only landmark is my own black steel gauntlets flexing with frustration. Familiar pains creep back, hips complaining like old grumblers, truncated thigh chafed and raw. My prosthetic arm feels oddly loose inside the armour, but my fingers work fine.

“Shit,” I hiss. “She wasn’t running away.”

Willow has led me by my own rage and triumph. She has drawn me away from the exit-point of my translocation.

“Grimmy!” Shout as loud as I can, but the Nightmare does not twitch this time; did it ever, or was that only Willow’s trick? “Grimgrave! Grimgrave! Bright! Signal! … Anybody?”

Euphoria dribbles out. Anger dials down to background. I’ve been had.

Was this the reason for that final dream we shared? To press my rage into a new shape, bait me with a phantom prospect of rescuing Willow’s ten-year-old self?

Maybe. But that lost child felt so real; thinking about her now makes my eyes hot and my chest tight with sorrow. I gave her a tiny piece of myself, a plush toy I barely recall, and she helped me reach transformation. The Willow of the present would not have done that, would she? Willow wants me crippled, desperate, dependent, in the dark.

And Willow, in the here and now, in the year 2025, is a Lucid Dreamer of incredible power. I am only one magical girl, newly transformed, lost and alone in the middle of a Nightmare.

“Grimgrave!” I howl one more time, then hiss. “Oh, fuck it. Scarlet!”

Roil and ruck, boil and break, air like a soup of broken glass and coruscating headache-colour. No replying call, no Grimmy translocating to my side. No still-hungover Scarlet Edge descending from the sky.

“Great,” I whisper. “Great. Okay. Come on, come on, you’re a magical girl now, you can … move. Move!”

Pick a direction and push against the Nightmare. Intangible pressure drags on my soul, inaudible song scratching holes in my scalp, urging me to do unthinkable things to a ring of naked skull. Two dozen paces and a wall of corrugated metal looms into the air, a thousand feet tall. The side of a warehouse? Where am I?

Abominations careen out of the murk overhead, screaming like dying horses, to slam into the side of the building high above, setting off a deep reverberation. Spirals of torn skin flutter down through the air as they rip and rend at themselves, crowns of gleaming bronze bone sprouting from nubs of naked flesh. Vast stilt-walking figures waver in the near-distance, wrapped in cloaks and crowned with dripping metal, stepping over buildings and vanishing back into the gloom. Something starts to chatter and whisper from my left, writhing a few paces away in the murk, whispering royal secrets in exchange for unspeakable favours.

I back away, head right, hurry my footsteps. A street-corner explodes from the fog, signposts and traffic-lights twisted into helices, shifting like fleshy vines as they fight for dominance. Something massive and dark and dripping waits down the right-hand street, looks up from a meal of mashed red and smeared grey. It wears a stolen cape and crunches circlet-crowns between teeth like swords. On the left the Nightmare turns into a kaleidoscope of impossible colours, scouring and stealing all pigment from the world on either side, a glowing centre offering to place a ring on my brow if only I step closer.

Straight on ahead through the junction, breathing too hard. Eyes watering, ears muffled, mouth dry. Limbs heavy. Bad sign.

Willow already led me too far from where I landed. Grimgrave could be twenty feet away and she wouldn’t see me. Besides, no magical girl would be down on the ground in a Nightmare. Everyone else is probably halfway to the clouds, or at least on the rooftops.

I almost laugh with relief as I realise my mistake. Octavia Carter, missing the obvious.

Only been a proper magical girl for less than ten minutes. Let me get my bearings, be with you in just a moment.

I stumble to a halt, metal boots scraping on concrete pavement, surrounded by buildings that look like rotten meat through the Nightmare-murk. The end of the street warps and wavers, stroking the sky with tongues of heat-haze, stinging my eyes.

“Okay, okay, you’re a real magical girl now,” I hiss. “You should be able to do this, they all do this, you can do this too, you can!”

A kick at the pavement, a bounce on my heels, but nothing happens. An awkward, heavy-limbed, lopsided hop fails to launch me upward. Visualising myself soaring into the sky does not free me from gravity’s bondage. I debase myself, throw away my dignity, stick both fists skyward like an old-timey 1950’s ‘superhero’. Punch the air. Grunt and growl and lose my temper.

Can’t fly.

“Fuck! Why didn’t anybody teach me, dammit—”

Sheets of negative light and sucking fog-like illusion swirl and pucker far to my right; can’t tell if that’s across a street or down a road, distance and direction rendered meaningless.

Willow’s face peers from the centre of a disturbance. A pale oval devoid of expression, haloed by storm-tossed hair, clean as a mask.

She vanishes just as sudden, one with the Nightmare.

“Willow! Willow, you lying whore!” I scream, take three solid steps toward her. “Come out and fight me! You wanted me to face you, look you in the eye, huh!? I’m looking at you now, you coward bitch! You liar, you cheating fucking—”

“lyyyYYYIIIng whoooRRREEeeee?”

A warbling echo shakes the Nightmare substrate. Light flexes, bends, breaks, panes of false illumination shattering, ruins falling to earth as snowflakes of sharpened glass.

“CooMMEEE OUT and fiiigghhtttttt meeeEEEEEEE—”

Willow’s face wavers from the gloom once again, blank, vacant, empty.

A chance parting of prismatic iridescence reveals a towering stick-figure behind that face, a collection of emaciated limbs like burnt branches bound in jagged bunches, peering out from around the side of a tower block, a featureless head of scratched-out black, crowned with a mass of steel thorns that dig through dream-flesh and into whatever it uses for a brain. Sixty, seventy, eighty feet tall, wrapped in rotting regal robes. Willow’s face flutters to nothing, low down on the hem of those ragged robes.

I’ve not been following Willow; I have been baited by some dreamland anglerfish, a bottom-feeder in Nightmare’s wake.

Whatever it is, it hasn’t spotted me, though it howls my own words in parody. Perhaps it requires a response, hunts by sound, or emotion. Anger urges me to roar at the top of my lungs and throw myself at the thing; I have two strong fists now, robust as a tank, armour unbreakable. I could punch clean through a block of tungsten if I cared to. Nothing can stand in my way, Dreamer or Nightmare or the most predatory debris. How dare this displaced thing challenge me? How dare it mock me in my own voice? How dare it use Willow’s face?

Anger falls to prudence, self-preservation, cold fear. Magical girls are not invincible, and I’m already faltering, blinking tears from my eyes, heaving with effort against the Nightmare-song in my head. Can’t fight an eighty-foot Dreamland thing all by myself. I am out of breath and rattling inside. And this thing probably doesn’t want to be here anyway, as confused as I am.

Close my mouth, back away on quiet footsteps. Layers of falling unlight swallow the monster, suck me deeper into miasma, drown me in a dreamlike sea.

A minute or two of stumbling through sucking sheets of paradoxical light-fog, I hit what might be a high street. A canyon of reflective glass and high walls, hints of bright displays on all sides, the glitter of bioluminescent coral through an oil spill. Robed and cowled figures lead a capering procession through a road junction, so I steer clear, wait for them to pass, try not to listen to their high, tortured, broken voices. They’re not shaped like humans anyway. Nobody there to rescue.

Euphoria’s all gone. The Nightmare-song, the paradoxical murk, the disorientation, all of it grinds away at my senses, corrodes the outer layers of my thoughts. Bronze-brown silt accumulates in the angles of my armour, hardening to a crust here and there, like wind-blown clotted blood. Tessellated shapes and fractal explosions creep and crawl in my peripheral vision. My nose feels thick, my throat raw, my eyes heavy.

Willow’s gone. Can’t link up with Grimgrave and the others. Can’t even fly to get above the worst of this.

Am I bleeding girl-juice — magical energy — just being here? Even magical girls have limits.

“Time to leave?” I whisper.

Raise my right hand, curl my black gauntlet into a fist. Think of Luna, Plato Base, Nerys and Tissy and the zoogs. I’ve made my point, driven Willow out, achieved transformation. Retreat is no humiliation, or so I tell myself.

Don’t even have to throw the punch to know it won’t work. The sense of tilting forward stutters out, ripped away on Nightmare’s tide. I slam my fist forward anyway, just to see my knuckles break through the light-fog, but nothing happens. Translocation can’t even start inside a Nightmare, at least not down here in the heart of the debris cloud choking the ignition.

“Shit,” I hiss inside my helmet. Shake my fingers, as if I’ve just punched a brick wall. “Shit. I don’t—”

Crack.

Crack-crack-crack.

Gunfire. Muffled by murk, but clean and clear as a breath of fresh air in an abattoir. Not the crunchy clack-boom of Grimgrave’s favoured shotgun, nor the smokey bang-bang of Dawn’s ‘antique’ muskets. This gunfire is the mundane rattle of automatic weapons. Survivors, exposed to the Nightmare? Doesn’t seem possible. Anybody outdoors should be catatonic or dead, swept up in the song, going mad, going Dreamer.

I push on toward the gunfire, whirling shapes flapping and flailing in the roiling chaos all around. The noise trails off, then returns, intensifies, dies away a second time as I stagger down the glass-walled high street.

Tiny buzzing machines race low overhead, once, twice, three times, turning through tight mechanical angles, lenses flickering, rotors blurring.

Drones? Too fast to be certain.

At the end of the high street, where the pavement transitions into cosmetic cobbles, I almost stumble over a dead thing — a hulking be-robed regal beast, riddled with bullet holes, bleeding a stream of bubbling blood across the open road. More corpses litter the ground further on, one polyp, two more unrecognisable.

“What— what the— what—”

A grey furry lump is still moving, huddled in the pitiful shelter of an upturned traffic cone. At first I take it for a piece of one of the dead debris, but then I recognise.

A zoog. Half-catatonic with fear, wedged into the cone, teeth and claws pointed outward in silent threat.

No need to think. I upend the cone and scoop the zoog into my arms. It goes wild, biting and clawing and lashing and hissing, flailing against imperishable armour.

“Calm down!” I hiss. “Calm down, I’m not going to hurt you, but I’m not going to leave you there. Calm. Calm. I’m a friend, okay? Friend to zoogs, at least. I think.”

Whether the zoog understands or not, it stops fighting, goes still in the crook of my left arm, panting at high speed, little black eyes darting in every direction. After a moment it wraps its tail around my forearm, clings on tight.

“Better. Let me carry you out of this, okay? I thought you things were Dreamland creatures in the first place. How are you so affected by this?”

The zoog emits a tiny rasp, peering around my arm, shivering hard. Ragged shapes move beyond sight. Hooting laughter echoes from the mid-distance. A few desultory gunshots might be nothing but my imagination. The Nightmare song permeates all, drilling holes in my skull where a crown of thorns will fit snug against my brain.

Shake it off, pick a direction, a straight line. If I can’t fly then perhaps I can just walk to the edge of the Nightmare. Can’t save ten-year-old Willow, but at least I can save a zoog.

Buzz-buzz—

I flinch. The zoog jumps so hard it almost scrambles free.

“It’s my phone, my phone!” I tut. “In the middle of this?”

The prospect of contact from Grimmy or Signal diverts my feet to the edge of the street; murk parts, buildings and shop-fronts loom, wavering as if seen through distorted glass. I find a doorway with six inches of brickwork overhang, the meanest possible shelter. Slap at my side, at where my pocket should be, gauntlet clicking against black metal. My mobile phone slides into my hand, extruded through my armour, as if spat out by a layer of ferro-magnetic fluid. As I raise it to my face my helmet peels back, segments clicking free and folding downward, revealing my face, my head, my hair. I take a sharp, surprised breath of cold air, thick with choking spices and the scent of burning, red wine and old dust and rancid oil.

A glimpse of myself flashes in the glass of the shop window. Pale skin, black hair, not pure machine beneath the armour.

My left eye is a solid ball of red-black; my right, a similar narrow slit. The jagged ruin of my facial scar is lit from within, glowing like a premonition of pyroclastic flow.

Buzz-buzz—

The phone snaps me from self-fascination. Don’t recognise the number on the screen. Could be Willow, but that’s no threat anymore. Accept call, phone to my ear.

“Yes?”

A long pause. Distant howling far from the phone. A hint of high-pitched clicks and oscillating whistles.

“Miss Carter.” A woman’s voice, smooth and deep. Vaguely familiar.

“Speaking, it’s me, yes. Who—”

“We have little time for pleasantries, do we not? I have been trying to contact you for quite a while, but it seems you’ve gotten yourself lost in the mire.”

“ … Winter?”

The ‘occultist’ I met in front of my parents’ grave, the last time I was down in Oxford. An unmistakable voice, a strange southern accent I’ve heard nowhere else before.

“If you would consent to follow my directions,” Winter says, “I can bring you to me directly.”

“I don’t even know where I am,” I snap, looking out into the swirl of iridescent colour, burning my eyes and tickling my brain stem with the urge to vomit. “I’m lost in the middle of the Nightmare over Oxford, and I can’t translocate. Unless you have some route out of here on foot—”

“Step forward, turn to your right, follow the road to the nearest junction, keep your hand on the wall so you do not lose the thread. Turn right, then ninety degrees to the left, across the road in a straight line, then left again, then right, again keep your hand on the nearest wall, do not let it out of sight. Walk forward to a t-junction, then left again. Cross the road in the same manner as before, the far side should be visible for perhaps another ten minutes, perhaps less. I will be there, directly on your left.”

“Oh-kay, what—”

“Don’t dawdle.”

The call goes dead.

Winter, or some obscure bait? Somebody had tried to call me twice, up in Plato Base. How did she get my phone number? Not worth asking, not of an occultist on her scale.

I slap my phone to my hip; it vanishes beneath the metal. My helmet automatically redeploys, sealing me back inside. The zoog curled in the crook of my left arm watches with frozen breath.

“Guess we’ve got a destination,” I whisper, and step back out into the street. “Hang on tight, okay?”

“Hannnggggg,” rasps the zoog.

Winter’s directions prove reliable, leading me further from the landmark of the coral-lights in the high street, down into deep murk and dark canyons of rearing rock that might be houses in the mist, or could be ancient cliffs either side of a forgotten rift. Rattle-belled shapes caper and leer just beyond my vision; carpets of illusory red silk roll off in every direction except the one I intend, trying to tempt me from the path; giant crowned faces lurk far-off in the miasma, mouths open wide, hoping for unwary girls.

After perhaps five minutes of obedience, I cross a final road, flagging heavily, feet filled with lead, my inner engines chugging to a crawl. A low brick wall wafts forward from the darkness, marking the boundary of what might be a park. I almost trip on the edge of a kerb, stumble onto a wide pavement. My breath pounds like thirsty bellows, struggling to filter the Nightmare, my fires guttering low.

I am about to go out. Will my transformation unwind? What happens to an untransformed magical girl in the middle of a Nightmare?

A bus shelter huddles against the lash and roil, barely visible through the maelstrom of negative light and swirling colours, advertisement posters rendered down to gurning monsters and bright smears of mangled text.

A hazy figure waits within. On the left, right where Winter said.

I blunder through the intangible winds and sheets of clinging oil, dragging against rising pressure, squinting to keep from closing my eyes and surrendering to the song. Raise my right fist, clutch the zoog tight in my left arm, just in case. Step beneath the shelter’s roof, ready for an ambush, ready to swing a punch and protect this little scrap of flesh.

The Nightmare cuts out.

Like stepping indoors as a rainstorm rages outside. The area beneath the roof of the bus shelter is normal, mundane, becalmed. Grey concrete pavement spotted with dried gum. Air clear and breathable, a lingering hint of cigarette smoke. Little slanted plastic bench, stained and scored. Transparent back wall, scratched and dented.

Beyond the bus shelter the Nightmare bucks and boils, inches from my shoulder, a sheet of churning dark oil lit from within by flashes of eye-burning un-light.

The song lifts from my mind, held at bay by thin air.

Winter raises an eyebrow.

She stands at the opposite end of the narrow bus shelter, unhurried and unconcerned, almost exactly as I remember from our first meeting. Nun’s habit, hands concealed inside black gloves, neck swaddled in clean white bandages. Heavy-lidded eyes, such a dark brown they are almost red. Pale face, colourless hair, long and loose. Sadistic amusement plays on her lips, age impossible to place. Six and a half feet, possibly the tallest woman I’ve ever met.

Her only concession to the Nightmare is an umbrella, bone dry and folded up, metal tip against the pavement.

“You might be who I assume you to be,” Winter says, as mild as discussing the weather. “But you best introduce yourself quickly, lest we fall into mutual misunderstanding. No?”

I lower my fist. My helmet complies, folding itself back the same as before, to show my face.

Winter nods a greeting. “Miss Carter. I see you’ve discovered yourself. Rest here a while, recover your stamina.”

“H-how are you doing this?” I gesture at the bus shelter, the Nightmare penned outside; her offer is not for nothing, I’m already feeling my strength return, the weight of Nightmare lifting from mind and body, engines shaking off rust, furnaces taking in fresh fuel. “You told me you’re no Dreamer, but I’m finding that very hard to believe right now. You get hold of my phone number, you know exactly where I was, you lead me through this, unerring. How?”

Winter tilts her head ever so slightly. “How do you think?”

A shrug. “Magic?”

“An imprecise term. But best we leave it at that, don’t you think?”

“And you swear you’re not a Dreamer?” I ask. “Don’t lie about this, not right now. Not now.”

Winter waits, as if I’ve forgotten some important clarification. “Mm.” She refolds her gloved hands over the handle of her umbrella. “If I were a Dreamer, would it matter? Is this not the second time I have assisted you in some hour of need? Do you judge others by their natures, or by their actions?” She waits a beat. “Those are not rhetorical questions, though you do not have to answer them. As if I have any way to compel you, as you are now.” Her eyes travel up and down my body, my black steel armour, the imperishable surface of this machine.

“I … ” Grit my teeth. “Look, Winter. I’ve just discovered … I mean, if she was even telling me the truth … I’ve learned, or been told, or … there’s a whole cabal of Dreamers, ‘Lucid’ Dreamers, operating in the UK, possibly working behind DC, maybe for decades.”

“Mmhmm.” Winter nods.

“ … and this isn’t new information to you.” Not a question, it’s on her face.

Winter unfolds a hand, the smallest possible shrug.

“Are you a Dreamer?” I press. “I don’t see how else— there’s no way a mere occultist could—”

Winter holds up one black-gloved hand. Smiles. Silence.

“Wizard, witch, whatever you are,” I mutter. “Right. Whatever that means.”

Winter smiles wider, pained and indulgent. “As I said the last time we met, all very poor words to encapsulate anything, certainly not myself. But they will have to suffice.” She gestures at the Nightmare. “We are not in any condition to debate semantics right now, are we?”

“I suppose … wait. Wait.” Heart in my throat. “You know who I am.”

Winter raises her eyebrows, mild as milk. “Yes?”

“But I’m transformed. Only one person has seen me transform, and that only happened less than an hour ago. You shouldn’t be able to remember me, shouldn’t be able to connect me with … well, with this, not unless you saw it happen too, you—”

Winter almost laughs, a harsh puff of breath through her nose, a slight bob of her head. “You won’t last long as a magical girl if you assume everything and everyone plays by the same rules. There are always exceptions. If you live widely, eventually you may learn enough wisdom to know that the rules are made of exceptions. Rules are an illusion. Very pretty, very clean, which is pleasing to the senses. But lethal to follow a clean map into a sinkhole, is it not?”

Winter waits for a response. Either she is who and what she says she is, or she’s Willow in disguise. No other options.

“Perhaps,” she adds slowly, “you are the one breaking the rules. Have you considered that?”

“Either I believe you, or I kill you,” I mutter.

Winter shrugs. “Such is life, no?”

Deep breath. Let it out slow. Straighten my spine, raise my chin. Paranoia has run wild, preying on my thinned-out energy, too much time wading through Nightmare soup.

“Alright,” I say. “Sorry. I … I thought you might be somebody else, in disguise.”

“Often,” says Winter. “But not at present. Who needs disguise in a Nightmare?”

“Thank you. For the phone call, I mean. I was starting to … to tire, out there, something, I don’t know how to put it. And thank you for before as well, with the drug and the cats and everything, back in the graveyard. I don’t understand why you would want to help me, or even who you really are, but thank—”

Crack-crack-crack-pop-poppopopopopopopopop—rrrrrrrrrt—

Sustained gunfire rattles through the Nightmare, only a few streets from the bus shelter. Winter looks up, cocks an ear. The zoog huddled in the crook of my left arm lets out a hiss of alarm, tries to burrow deeper.

Gunfire trails off. Pop. Crack. Gone.

“What was that?” I whisper, as if the shooters might hear us. As if bullets wouldn’t bounce off my armour.

Winter shrugs again, as if this should be obvious. “Certain matters may be settled beneath cover of a storm. Certain experiments attempted. Boundaries tested or violated. We are not the only ones conversant with the underside of this event.”

I boggle at her. “You mean there’s people out there? Unprotected?”

“Are we not people?”

“You know what I mean! Mundane people.”

“Among others. None who would want a rescue from the likes of a magical girl. No need to go rushing off.”

Shake my head. “I never heard gunfire while I was inside a shelter. Never, not once, my whole life. Nobody has, it’s never mentioned. Even in uncensored stuff, from abroad.”

“Perhaps it has never happened before.” Winter examines me, a teacher deciding the level of detail a student can handle. “Every Nightmare is different, unique. This one has pretensions of regality.”

“Yeah,” I mutter. “I noticed.”

“Did you notice anything else?”

“Like what? I wasn’t exactly taking notes out there. And what about you, Winter? Okay, so you’re a big deal magician or whatever, but I’m a magical girl, and I could barely wade through that. How are you out here, how … how … ”

Winter waits, eyebrows raised. Infuriating. Can’t even finish my question, what’s the point?

“You noticed nothing at all?” she asks.

A sigh. “I was baited by some kind of dream-anglerfish thing. I was chasing a Dreamer — long story — and it wore her face, used that as bait, I think. I got lost, alright? Because I’m a rookie and an idiot and shouldn’t be down here. Is that what you were digging for?”

“Not particularly.” Winter looks at the zoog nestled against my chest. “I see you’ve picked up a passenger. Rare enough to rescue anybody from the sump of a Nightmare, bravo. But you won’t be able to operate at your best carrying baggage.” She holds out a gloved hand. “Would you like me to take him for you? I can set him down somewhere safe.”

The zoog reacts with curiosity, uncurls from within my arms, stretches his snout toward Winter’s hand. I step forward, let him sniff, but he recoils sharply, clings to my side, lets out a little rasp. “Stinky stink smelllllll.”

I step back, try not to bristle in sympathy. “Sorry, he doesn’t seem to like you. I’ll hold onto him, he’s no burden.”

Winter shrugs, no hard feelings. “So. Miss Carter. Should I be calling you by a new name?”

My mouth opens to tell her no, I’m still just plain old Octavia Carter; but something falters to a halt inside me, caught on a whirring gear-chain of loosely linked concepts. I am Octavia, that is my name. But I am also now This Machine, I have always been This Machine, this Black Knight, this Engine-in-Waiting. I am a Maiden made from Iron, the Nemesis in Red-and-Black, an Imperishable Mechanism.

My lips hesitate. Winter waits politely.

“I don’t know,” I say eventually. “I don’t … I haven’t exactly had much time to think about this. I’ve been transformed for all of … I don’t know that either, maybe half an hour? What time is it?”

“Just past seven in the morning.”

Another shake. No idea how long I’ve been down in Oxford, don’t know exactly when Willow ambushed me on Luna. My eyes slide outward, to the vertical sheet of Nightmare churning beyond this impossible shelter.

“How does it feel?” Winter asks, crisp and clinical.

“What? Sorry?”

She nods at my body, my black metal armour. “How does it feel?” She raises a hand before I can complain. “Take a moment. Couple said moment with a deep breath or three. By your own admission you have been preoccupied by the present circumstances, no?” A slight smile, curling with sadistic amusement. “Take a moment with yourself, magical girl. Or you may never have another.”

Deep breath. Swallow, dry mouth. A nod, to acknowledge her point.

My armour is a field of smooth interlocked black, subtle curves of steel-beyond-steel. A hint of paradoxical red-black lurks beneath the surface when viewed up close, like lava-light glowing through inches of metal and bone and meat. The brown crust from the Nightmare’s depths has flaked off and fallen away, leaving my surfaces untouched, not even scuffed from my earlier tumble. Tiny machine sounds trickle from inside me, furnaces ticking over, engines humming, machinery waiting for the urge into greater motion. Just listening to those sounds soothes me, slows my heart rate, lowers my blood pressure.

I raise my right arm, try to feel the prosthetic inside, try to feel anything of myself other than the armour.

I’m still there, a weight slightly different to my left, a looseness where something has jogged parts of me out of position. But my fingers still work, I can still sketch a punch. My heart beats, my blood pumps, my lungs inflate with each breath; I’ve not transformed into a robot. My flesh has not transmuted to metal — though my prosthetic limbs feel like living pistons, their meat-and-bone counterparts reinforced by carbon fibre and steel, packed in layers of compressed foam, cushioned against the world beyond.

I’ve never felt so safe, so completely myself. My armour is hard outside, like the shell of a turtle, but soft as liquid metal against my skin, softer even as it penetrates me and becomes me, wrapped around my organs, cradling the engine of my heart, threaded alongside my bones, feeding my cells with electric current.

All the old pains are still present — hips, stump-sockets, weight of scars — but now they’re integrated parts of a whole, compensated for by the machine.

This Machine is me, and I’ve always been This Machine. An involuntary smile tugs at my lips, the edge of cackling mania.

Hadn’t thought about it until Winter asked, not only because I’m in the middle of a Nightmare, but because it just feels like me.

I reach out to the side with my right hand, wrap my black metal gauntlet around one of the upright supports of the bus shelter, and squeeze. The thin metal bends and buckles in my grip. I transfer the zoog to the crook of my right arm, repeat the experiment with my left hand. Not quite as successful; the metal still deforms, but I can’t crush it all the way.

“Strong,” I say, not really speaking to Winter. “I feel strong, like I could punch through solid concrete. I feel like this … this is me.” The smile comes back, chased by a laugh, high and weird. “This was always me. Look at me, I’m … ”

Beautiful? What a strange thought.

“Go on,” Winter murmurs.

“I feel pure. The purity of a machine. But not a machine like a mobile phone or a … a … no, more like a steam engine. A little slice of a mechanical god.” I almost laugh again, stunned at my own words, a swirling vortex behind my eyes. “Is this how the others feel, all the time? Is this how it feels?”

“Hmmmm,” Winter purrs, noncommittal, doubtful.

The Nightmare steals my attention from my transformed self; a pulse of motion passes through the swirling sheets of oil-dark light, a distant shock wave in the murk. The air thickens and grows dimmer, like the bus shelter is a submersible passing further from the sun, down into inky deeps.

Winter raises a gloved finger to her lips, tapping in thought. “Curious.”

“What’s happening?” I hiss.

“You must inform me if you ever discover the answer to such a universal question.” Winter sees my glare and smiles wider with sudden sadistic glee. “Which is a clever way of saying I do not quite know.”

“Quite?” I echo.

“The innards of any Nightmare are beyond waking minds. Despite what you may suspect of me, I am very much awake.”

I hiss with frustration. The Nightmare’s cloud of effluent has grown so thickly dark that the street is almost impossible to make out now, let alone the looming wall of buildings on the far side.

“Why were you trying to contact me?” I whisper, as if something might hear us. “Earlier, I mean.”

“I’ve grown fond of you,” Winter answers, distracted by something beyond the shelter, her eyes narrowing in a squint. “You do not tend to last long, you magical girls. You batter yourselves to pieces in a few short years, or even shorter. Bright candles that burn too hot, always for the ends of others. I thought you deserved a warning.”

“About Willow? You knew Willow was coming after me? How? If you know about Willow, I have to know, I have to—”

A sidelong glance. “One sees a wasp nest stir, one does not know why. Willow?”

“A Dreamer.”

A tiny tut, almost impressed. “Such a nemesis.”

“She’s a Lucid Dreamer, whatever that means. And you know something, don’t you? Winter, if you want to help me—”

Winter raises a hand, eyes outward into the Nightmare murk. “Hold your blows, magical girl.”

She warns me just in time, but not early enough to save me from a full-body flinch; a low dark shape scuttles up right beside the bus shelter, hidden by the swirling oily miasma, then slides clear of the churning Nightmare, into the calm air of our refuge.

First, nothing: a heap of greasy brown fabric blown in by the wind. In one heartbeat the lump straightens up, unfolds long rubbery limbs concealed so cleverly, rises to the height of a person, all suggestions hidden inside loose layers of hanging cloth. Glimpses of flesh the colour of sunless mushrooms, lithe-muscled and narrow-bodied, coated in thick layers of banded tattoo, dusted with fur like thin patchy moss; a flash of quasi-canine jawline, a hint of cadaverous face.

A pair of all-black eyes stare out from the deep shadow of a makeshift hood.

Those shapes trigger brain-stem reflexes; I am in the presence of something dangerous, something that might pluck me from a Pleistocene cave-mouth and drag me off into the dark. My arm twitches, my hand makes a fist, lips peel back from my teeth.

Winter raises her umbrella, interposes it between us. “Play nice,” she says.

“I … uh … right.” Unmake my fist. Swallow ancient instinct.

A ghoul. I am standing less than six feet from a ghoul, in the middle of an Oxford street. Beneath cover of a Nightmare, to be fair. But still.

Can’t see much beneath the makeshift urban ghillie suit, but already it’s nothing like I expected, nothing like the propaganda. No slavering jaw, no reek of rotten carrion, no blood-mad eyes, not howling like a rabid dog. I always doubted the propaganda, but the shock comes all the same, mixed with instinctive revulsion.

Even the scent is a surprise. Winter’s new visitor is heralded by a subtle odour like moss and lichen, fungal and chewy.

The ghoul ignores me, turns to Winter. Pale hands emerge like fat grave-worms from inside the makeshift robes, each finger tipped with a great flat claw, blunt and heavy and filthy with old dirt. It offers Winter two objects — a submachine gun held at an awkward angle, and a strange helmet made of heavy glass faceted like a geodesic dome. The helmet has been partially shattered, blood all over the glass, machinery and eyepieces and re-breather equipment visible on the inside.

Winter takes the helmet, eyebrows raised.

The ghoul speaks in a headlong rush from under its hood, clicking, purring, whistling. Can’t make out a word. Never heard it before.

Winter nods, replies in the same click-talk, lips moving back and forth with considerable effort to make the sounds. The ghoul offers her the submachine gun, but Winter almost laughs, adds something else in ghoul-tongue, tone dismissive. The ghoul tosses the weapon away, back into the Nightmare.

Then the ghoul glances at me. Clicks and purrs.

“What?” I snap. Can’t help myself. “What— what is it saying?”

“She likes your armour,” Winter says, handing the broken helmet back to the ghoul, who makes it vanish inside her greasy disguise.

The ghoul clicks and whistles, seemingly more agitated. A clawed hand gestures at me, a coiling motion.

Winter sighs, replies with a short click-stream, then says to me: “She would like me to be more specific, but ghoul poetry does not translate well into English, and I am not very good at either. Do you speak any Welsh, Miss Carter?”

“Uh … no, sorry.”

The ghoul regards me for a moment, then clicks twice at Winter, and steps back out into the Nightmare. It is only then that I realise she wasn’t alone; two more shrouded lumps were waiting just beyond the bus shelter, invisible until they moved. In half a heartbeat the three ghouls are gone.

Nightmare silence returns, a background churn of invisible winds and distant cries and the ever-present strange song of the thing up in the sky.

“That was a ghoul,” I say. Obvious, stupid. “You consort with ghouls?”

“Consort,” Winter echoes. “Interesting choice of word.”

“You know what I mean. What was that all about? The helmet and the gun, and … ghouls?”

Winter gives me a slow, amused look. “Some questions are better left unasked. I already told you, under cover of storms, many things may happen that are impossible otherwise.”

We stare each other down. Winter is right; I have enough problems of my own without concerning myself over her shadow-war, whatever it is she’s up to out there, via ghoulish proxies.

“Who are you fighting?” I ask.

Winter shrugs.

“Alright,” I say slowly, then take another deep breath, try to calm myself. “So, what now? You’re just going to wait here?”

“I think it is high time I moved on,” Winter replies. “My business here is not quite concluded, but … I suspect that our continued association may prove a danger to both of us. At current, you understand. Not in the future, one may hope.”

“What? Why?” I glance out into the Nightmare again. “I don’t know where to go, and I can’t just wait here. I don’t even know where here is!”

Winter points down the street, into the thickly shifting murk. “A public shelter lies not five hundred feet that way. Hug the wall behind us, stay to the right, then turn right at the first street. It’s on the corner, part of an underground station, you cannot miss it. You should be safe inside the airlock chamber, no need to disturb the public too much. There you will be close enough to mundane reality to … well.” She smiles, thin and bloodless. “Put up a fight, shall we say?”

“I thought you said I could stay here to recover? Now you’re turfing me out?”

“Are you not recovered?”

“Well, yes, but—”

“Then I must move on. You will find no safety at my side, I’m sorry to say. You need a larger arena, space enough to swing those exquisite new fists. I would not want to catch a stray, would I?”

A cold chill crawls up my spine. “ … what?”

Winter gestures with her umbrella. “You said you fell for the trickery of an anglerfish. Perhaps you did, I do not know. But there is a Dreamer following you, Miss Carter. She is, in fact, right here.”

“What? Where—”

Winter raises a hand, points at the opposite side of the street. For a moment I can’t see a thing, just the prismatic oil-swirl of the Nightmare, flowing down the road in a tsunami of black-light through tainted water.

A face resolves in distant murk.

Willow, tearful and angry, the mark of my fist a livid bruise around one eye, hair whipped aside like the trailing tail of a comet.

The anglerfish-thing showed her face unbruised, too perfect. This is the genuine article. Mine.

I jerk forward, open my mouth, legs already kicking off. “Will—”

Winter taps my side with the tip of her umbrella, metal on metal; somehow that stops me cold, makes me jerk and reset.

Willow’s eyes scrunch up with wounded pride. She blinks out, torn away on the tide.

I round on Winter, anger misdirected. “That was her!” I snap. “That was her, I have to go after— how did you do that— what do you think you’re—”

“I would not chase her further, if I were you,” Winter says. “That is a Dreamer, as you surmised.”

“Yes, I know!” I almost shout. “It’s Willow, my— my—” My ex? The girl I need to save from herself? What am I doing? Winter is right, I should be fleeing for the public shelter to ride out the rest of the Nightmare. “I— I need to—”

“You need to run, magical girl.”

“Yes, I— I know, but—”

“You are alone,” Winter says. “She is a Dreamer. If you have run this far, it is only because she is allowing you to do so. I suggest you reach the shelter quickly, get inside the airlock, somewhere you can fight without being blinded by the Nightmare. Before her temper turns or her tastes change.”

“But she’s the one running!” I snap. “She’s the one who should be afraid of me! I’m going to rescue— I mean— I want— I—”

“You feel strong, but you are still fragile. A Dreamer can snuff one of you out without too much difficulty. Three or four of you together is a different matter, but you are alone. Best never to fight alone, no?”

“She wouldn’t kill me. She wants me—”

“Are you certain of that?” Winter asks. “If she cannot have you, perhaps nobody can?”

“ … no, no, I don’t … I don’t think … ”

Winter opens her umbrella and eyes the Nightmare, a woman about to step out into a storm. “She will brook no source of jealousy. I should not remain nearby.”

“You don’t know her,” I hiss.

“I know her type well. I think it would be better for both of us if I were away, Miss Carter, before she decides that I am speaking with you too much, that I am another obstacle to her … ownership?” Winter smiles her sadistic little smile. “Ah, yes, I see I have guessed correctly. I wouldn’t want to risk victory against a Dreamer, it is far too early for that. Head for the shelter. Ready your fists. Do not hesitate.”

“I’ve had enough of running from her.” I turn outward, into the nightmare. “You hear me, Willow!? I’ve had enough running! You hear me!?”

Panting, throat raw, no reply. The zoog huddled in the crook of my left arm tries to make itself as small as possible, hiding face against my armour.

Winter shakes her head, sighs softly. “A terrible waste.”

Winter steps out into the Nightmare. For a second she is the outline of a woman carrying an umbrella, then a figure swallowed by the sucking prismatic darkness. Three steps and she’s gone.

The clear air beneath the bus shelter begins to erode inwards, a cliff-face before acidic waves. I plant my feet; no more running. But a few seconds longer reveals my words as hollow, as the Nightmare washes inward, forces my back against the transparent plastic, draws rasping fear from the zoog I have tried to save.

Can’t stay out here and let my strength get sapped again. A humiliating retreat, for a foolish girl, still a cripple who can’t even look after herself.

I turn away and flee into the Nightmare-choked street, in the direction Winter instructed.

And I hope that’s not Willow’s eyes I feel, boring into my back.



Previous Chapter Next Chapter



Nightmares are no place for lost girls, not even magical ones sealed inside inches of imperishable armour. But at least Octavia’s doing some good; that zoog did need rescuing. Winter can take care of herself, apparently.

Oh, and, and surprise! It’s a ghoul!

Ahem. Anyway! Here we are, only two more chapters until the end of arc 5! I can’t really say anything much about the rest, not without spoilers, so, weather the Nightmare for a little longer, yes?

Also, I have more fanart this week, from over on the Discord server! First up, an incredible rendition of This Machine, with bonus Azure Infinity, (by sporktown heroine); I want to highlight this one especially, not just because it’s amazing art, but because it’s fascinating to me to see different interpretations of Octavia’s newfound transformation. Then we’ve got a pun, for which I apologise in advance: The Locust of Loss Signals, and yes, it’s exactly what you think it is, and that’s Bright down in the corner, (by flaxsquiddle.) Next up, Scarlet Edge doing her best impression of Sif from Dark Souls, with extra laser eye version, (also by flaxsquiddle). After that, several Maidens-themed Magic the Gathering cards: Octavia Carter/This Machine, Francesca Fairfax/Scarlet Edge, Subjugate, and ‘Forcepup’, (all by General Mischief, using art by sporktown heroine and Cera). Last but not least, we have the Zoogviet Moonion, in both colour and simple versions, (also by General Mischief). Gosh, that’s … that’s so much fanart! I am still endlessly flattered and delighted that so many readers have been having fun drawing fanart inspired by Maidens. Thank you all!

Meanwhile, if you want more Maidens right away, you can always:

Subscribe on Patreon!

Right now my patrons have access to three chapters ahead! For the moment I’m going to try to keep it as three; in the future I hope to push this out to more.

And thank you, dear readers! Thank you for being here and enjoying my little magical girl story; knowing you’re all out there reading this and having fun with it, that’s what keeps me writing, day after day. Maidens of the Fall is for all of you! Thank you!

Next chapter, Octavia heads for shelter, but only if Willow lets her go …

Maidens of the Fall – Parasomnia – 5.3

Content Warnings

Unreality
Gaslighting
Children with PTSD
Self-harm
References to covid-19 (fictional)
Internalised homophobia



Previous Chapter Next Chapter



Summer sunlight slants from high windows, drifts down through sticky-warm air to glisten on glossy swoops and swirls of abstract wall-art. Bird song chatters beyond stout walls, muffled by the struggle of anaemic air-conditioning indoors. Antiseptic scents, the shuffle of distant feet, a low murmur of politely hushed voices. Phone calls in far-off rooms, the muted squeak of trolley wheels, whispers from a wall-mounted television tuned to a near-silent cartoon.

A familiar waiting room, in a familiar hospital, with all the familiar old pains.

Numb, empty, awash on the tide.

My name is Octavia Carter. I’m ten years old.

My mum and dad died a few months ago, but I don’t try to keep count of how many months exactly, because thinking about that makes my eyes all hot and itchy, but nothing happens, because I’ve used up all the tears inside me and I need to wait for them to refill. I’ll cry for my parents plenty over the next decade, so it’s okay if I can’t cry right now.

I’m sitting in a waiting room in the hospital, by myself, nobody else around. Which hospital, I don’t remember, but I don’t think that matters very much. Can’t recall how I got here, whether I’m waiting to see a doctor, or if I’ve seen the doctor already and now I’m waiting to leave; all these appointments blur together, a procession of prodding and poking and staring and assessing and dressing and redressing and it all makes me shut down and stop thinking. I’m used to that by now. Shutting down. More meat than mind.

My grandmother is nearby, just out of sight. Around a corner, speaking with a nurse. Through a door, questioning a doctor. Buying something from a vending machine. Fetching something from her car. Doesn’t matter, I don’t remember anyway; she would have checked and doubled-checked before she left me here. Are you alright on your own for a moment, Octavia? I won’t be beyond earshot. You’re sure? Granny’ll just be over there. Be right back. I promise.

Granny’s a liar. She’ll betray me eventually. Feed me poison because the government says so.

I can’t follow her even if I wanted to, stuck in my wheelchair. Standard NHS issue, muscle powered, no motor, and me with only a left arm. Can’t wheel myself around with a stump, can’t hobble on a crutch with no right hand to grip the crossbar. Can’t even get up to use the toilet.

Phantom pain is still relatively new, but I’ve gotten to know it well. A slow, steady, sullen throb, from a missing leg that should be dangling over the canvas seat of my wheelchair, and a ghostly arm clamped to my side like a dead python.

A plush toy, a rabbit, is my only companion. Dirty, stained, gripped hard in my lap. I’m parked next to a row of chairs, within easy reach of a stack of children’s books and brightly coloured magazines, but I don’t want to release the rabbit, for fear I’ll drop her and won’t be able to pick her up again and Gran won’t hear when I tell her and we’ll leave her behind by accident and I’ll never see her again and the nurses will sweep her up and throw her in the bin and she’ll die.

I know I’m dreaming; but I’m also ten.

I remember punching Willow in the face, beneath a great and terrible storm on the surface of Luna. But that’s all in the future. Right now, I’m ten.

Time oozes past, a slow river sliding sluggish toward an infinite sea; if I turn my head just right, I’ll be able to stare directly into that sea. Such things are possible here, though looking may not be wise. Posters on the walls warn of childhood diseases, advise on vaccinations, educate about vitamin differences. A big bold slogan near the top of the longest wall reminds people to REPORT STRANGE DREAMS. Bit late for that, no? When I blink, the words change to REPORT MY ARSE. Other posters show smiling children doing smiley things. Another wall is covered by a mural of two magical girls — I don’t know who they are, probably ones from back when I was ten — handing out boxes with big red cross symbols on them to grateful parents.

Red-black light flickers far to the left, from one of the many ways into the big waiting room.

It holds steady for a moment, like somebody has opened the door to an otherworldly operating theatre where wonderful changes are made, where that red-black light can be put inside a person and make them all better again. My left hand twitches around the plush rabbit, half a thought of reaching for the wheel of my chair. But then the red light flickers and fades out, as if my hesitation was a disappointment, and a door has closed.

A figure appears from the opposite direction, framed for a moment by another entrance to the waiting room. It pauses, waits for me to look.

A little girl, around my age.

She steps into the waiting room with tentative tread, peering at me from a wary sideways lean, as if I might leap out of my wheelchair to attack her, or shout at her to leave me alone, send her scurrying off with rejection. She walks up to me, stops well beyond arm’s reach, stares back at my dead-eyed look.

Eyes the colour of mud, hollow and haunted. Messy brown hair hangs far past her hips, tangled and greasy. Her skin is peeling, flaking and raw, as if she’s been sunburned over and over. Little plasters cover her tiny hands, cuticles ragged from being picked and gnawed, little spots of exposed blood drying and clotting. Two fingers are wrapped in more serious dressings, concealing what I somehow know are the ugly craters of ripped-out fingernails. She wears a pair of grey jogging bottoms and a t-shirt with a cartoon of a smiling sun on the front.

Willow Finch. Ten years old.

Anger stirs not. Octavia Carter at ten years old possesses only a dry wound instead of emotions. The version of me that can protect myself is a decade in the future.

Willow sits down in the nearest chair, to my right. Her trainers don’t quite touch the floor. She wedges her hands under her thighs and stares elsewhere, chewing her lips.

“This is where we first met,” she says eventually. She speaks like the child she is, in a voice I don’t remember.

“ … I … ” Takes me a while to find my own voice, lost at the bottom of memories I don’t have. The voice of a ten-year old, one I didn’t use much that year. “I thought we met at school?”

“Mm-mm.” Willow shakes her head, hair getting in her eyes. She gathers up the whole greasy mass and puts it over her opposite shoulder, to keep it out of the way. “That was just something I made up, because it made more sense, it was neater and prettier that way. Kids are meant to meet at school, right? That’s normal. That’s what happens.” She finally looks at me, a sideways glance, sees that this does not make sense. She shrugs. “We didn’t meet at school, no. I came to school ‘cos of you. It’s the other way around.”

I glance left and right, at the dull old waiting room. “Here?”

“Mmhmm!” Willow brightens, a fractional smile. “I’d slipped away from … from the people who looked after me—”

“Who?” I demand, feeling uncharitable. “Tell me. And no lies.”

Willow drops her gaze. She gestures in the direction from which she appeared, at the mouth of a corridor leading back into the hospital. “Who do you think gets used to keep a Lucid Dreamer under control? Other Dreamers, silly. Sometimes a magical girl or two, if I’ve been … bad, or they want to make me scared. That day it was … ” A pause, gnawing her lip. “Seema and Artash, I think. Who cares, doesn’t matter.”

“Handlers.”

“Yeah.” She puffs out a sigh, a child imitating the action of a stressed adult. “I guess. Anyway, like I was saying, I slipped away in the hospital. No special reason, I just wanted to be alone for a bit. I was feeling sad and stuff. I wandered around the hospital for a while, but it just smelled of dying and old people and cancer, but then … ” She turns her face to me, smiles with desperate eyes and cracked skin. “Then I came in here, and I saw you. You were sitting right there, right where you are now.”

She waits, like I’m supposed to smile back. But that’s nonsense, she’s not that clever. We’re both just ten.

“And I thought,” she carries on, “I thought, wow. Wow. There’s a girl just as mucked up as me.”

She smiles again, weary, hopeful.

“I hate you,” I say.

“Mm-mm.” Willow shakes her head. The smile goes away. “No, you don’t. That’s … not … not how this works. You hate her. Her. The me in the future. The me that I’m gonna turn into. Though … ” She frowns the difficult frown of a small child trying to understand things not meant for little minds. She looks at her hands for a moment, picks at a corner of ragged cuticle, puts it to her teeth, snips off a fragment of skin, watches a bead of blood well from broken flesh, then sucks on the wound for a moment. “It’s kinda hard to tell where I stopped and she started. But I think this is far back enough that it’s all me and none of her. I hadn’t … you know, done anything, to you, now, here. And anyway, it’s not you that hates her, it’s the you that you’re gonna be that hates the me that’s gonna be. You and me, we don’t hate each other. We only just met.”

Future me would know enough to shrink back into my wheelchair, to look away from the Dreamer in my head, to spit in her face, to scream until she leaves, not to listen to her words. But I can’t, I’m ten years old, and I’m still numb with the shivering topography of post-traumatic stress disorder.

“This is a dream,” I say. “Are you even … ”

“Real?” Willow almost laughs, lips twitching, not funny. “Define real. But yes, I’m really here. You’re really here, too.”

“You’re trying to do something to me.”

“Mm, no.” Willow shakes her head again, looks pained. “She was gonna — the me in the future, I mean. But you kinda messed it up by punching her in the face.” Willow smiles a little, snorts an abortive laugh, a real one this time. “Wow, Octavia. Never would have imagined you’d be in a punch up.”

Despite everything I almost smile too; at ten years old I never could have imagined slugging anybody, let alone in the face.

“Huh.” Not a laugh, close as I can get. “Yeah. Funny, right?”

Willow smiles more. “Right.”

We both trail off, the memories of two awkward children. Willow swings her feet, gnaws on a finger, bleeds a little. I clutch my plush rabbit and stare at the wall, sliding back down into the place I was before.

“This is … weird,” I say. “Why am I here? Why are you doing this?”

“Oh, um, no,” Willow says. “I’m not doing anything. This is all just kinda like leftovers. And it won’t last long.” She gestures vaguely at the waiting room. A shadow passes over the sunlight from outside, a drifting shape too large to be any bird. A tremor trickles up through the floor, then ceases. “She — me, I mean, in the future — she made up a whole new dream for you. It was supposed to be a ‘cottage core’ thing?” She does the little air-quotes, one finger each. “Lame, right? Anyway, in that dream you were gonna be older, and you worked for a big important company, as an engineer or something. She doesn’t understand that, so she skipped most of the details, she was gonna let you fill them in. And you were just arriving home after a long day at work, at this little cottage where you and she live together. She was gonna be baking a cake or something, all house-wifey. Everything was gonna be comfy and cute and pretty, and nothing was gonna be wrong or bad. Nobody was gonna be around to take you away from her. And then you’d forget everything, all about everything that had happened.” Willow waves her arms, indicating ‘everything’, lowering them as she finishes. “But then you punched her in the face. So now we’re just kinda, in the leftovers, and she’s all disoriented, so I thought I’d come see you, and … and like … make sure.”

“Make sure? Of what?”

She shrugs, won’t meet my eyes.

“Willow,” I say. She looks, reluctantly. “I don’t remember us meeting like this. I remember school.”

Sadness and guilt builds behind her eyes, more than a child could possibly bear. “Yeah. She made up a better story. You know? I’m … I’m sorry.”

“But why?”

Willow frowns like I’m being a bit slow, then shrugs and gestures at herself — her patchy, peeling skin, her bitten, bloody hands, her weird hollow eyes. “She wanted to be pretty. Thought you’d like her more, if she was pretty.”

Willow was always immaculate, from the day we first met. Skirts always pressed, shirts never creased. Hair long and shiny and combed silk-smooth. Skin flawless. Smiling like the sun. She never had a bad day, never cried over spilt milk, never fought with other kids, never skinned her knees or laddered her tights, never screwed up and forgot to do homework, never even got out of breath.

A story she made up.

“Are you the truth, then?” I ask.

Willow — the real Willow, a girl I never even knew — nods slowly. “Hi. I guess.”

“This is the first time I’ve ever met you, isn’t it?”

She nods again. Sniffs loudly. Chews on a nail, tugging at it with her teeth.

“Why?” I hiss.

Willow looks at her right hand. “Ten years old was … I guess, the last time I ever felt … clean? Mm. Before I — she — started doing things to … to you and … and … ”

“No,” I croak. “Not that. Why? Why any of it? Why?”

Willow looks surprised, wide-eyed with something no child should feel. Then she looks away, sniffs wet and loud. Looks at her hands, starts to scratch.

“She … I … was afraid,” says Willow. “She started small. Every step seemed like it made sense at the time. She made it so you and her met at school instead of here, made you forget this, then made it happen all over again, so she wouldn’t have to explain why she was in the hospital. Since she was changing things anyway, she thought she might as well clean herself up, make herself really pretty, so you would like her more. And it … it worked. It worked!”

Willow’s voice quivers with amazement over that final word. Her eyes go wide, staring at her hands, at a bead of blood welling up from her latest self-inflicted wound.

Specks of gold glitter in that crimson bead.

“Before then, she … ” Willow swallows hard. “Nothing added up. Dream and reality, it wouldn’t … wouldn’t click together. She … I couldn’t control anything. A stray thought killed my mummy and daddy. More stray thoughts burned me all over. Put me back together again. It … it hurt, I died, more than once. I wanted to leave it behind, go to the Dream, but … but I was scared, and— and they wouldn’t let me, said I had potential, kept me here, kept me … ” Another swallow, hands shaking. “But when she saw you,” Willow whispers. “From the moment she saw you. Then the world all made sense. The world started to just … do as she asked.”

Golden flecks fade from the bead of blood. Willow looks up at me. Deep breath, shaky lungs.

“Then it just kinda snowballed from there,” she says. “She couldn’t show you the truth, what her life was really like. Dreamers and handlers and the whole … thing. And they let her do it. They let her do it!” Willow goes wide-eyed with terrible need, then looks away, as if she can’t face me. “The other Dreamers, the people who’d taken me in, they let me go to school. Because of you, I was allowed to be a little bit normal. So I had to keep it up, I had to be normal, I had to, else I’d have to go back with them again. And there wouldn’t be any normal life at all. Just … ” She shrugs, lost. “I had to keep it normal. Had to. And because of you, she could. She could. You made everything just … do as she said. You made the world right.”

“Love at first sight?” I croak. “At ten years old?”

“Y-yeah?”

“She never kissed me. Never kissed her.”

Willow bites her lip. “I think we have to—”

The waiting room smears sideways, an old-school video tape on fast forward, walls blurring, sunlight churning. Willow’s face melts like warm wax.

Focus snaps taut. Fast-forward stops. Sharp as the waking world.

Heavy dark rain clouds have replaced all memory of summer sunshine, waiting room soaked in clammy grey shadows, windows glazed with cold drizzle. Air gone tense and stagnant, reeking of medicine and bleach, a hint of rot and death beneath chemical cleanliness. Nurses’ feet hurry to and fro beyond sight, machines beep and whirr from hidden rooms, doctors call out half-heard rallies, retreats, surrenders. Bottles of hand sanitiser sit on the tables. Discarded face masks litter some of the chairs.

Willow has aged five years, grown taller, filled out. Hair clean and neat and recently cut, clothes a little closer to the ones she wore in other dreams, a soft sweater, a long skirt, sensible shoes, though perhaps not quite so starched to perfection, not quite so flattering as in my false recall.

She’s not the Willow I knew.

Eyes hard-edged and desperate, a bulging stare underlit by a quiver of paranoia and jealous control. No more peeling skin, but blotchy with long-term damage. Her jaw hangs open, breathing through her mouth. Her shoulders sit in a permanent slouch, as if curled up to protect her belly. Her hands aren’t covered in plasters and little wounds anymore, but they are in constant motion, picking at fibres on her jumper, fingers fluttering and twitching, putting her thumbs between each knuckle in an unceasing cycle of ritualised gesture.

“—move things forward a little,” she finishes, voice a clipped, sharp, nasty little thing. “If we’re going to discuss intimate relations.”

False time has pushed me up the scale to fifteen years old as well. Scrawny, awkward, self-conscious, still lacking my prosthetic limbs. I never used a wheelchair at fifteen, even when the phantom pain and the exhaustion threatened to end me; old shadows of bitter pride and fragile dignity haunt my mind, so much more closely remembered than the numb shell of ten years old.

I let go of the plush rabbit, let it sit in my lap. Didn’t need that comfort anymore, not at fifteen. Because I had Willow.

All lies.

Anger trickles up from a deep substrate of my soul, a faint premonition of the future, enough to make me frown, straighten my spine, sharpen my tongue.

“Why did you never kiss me?” I demand. “Why, Willow? Why invent a dream-life and keep me inside it, and then not even hold me? Why? You wanted me but you didn’t? You were too much of a coward? You were just, what, an idiot?”

Willow — a teenage girl I don’t remember, wearing faces that I never knew — averts her gaze, stony and closed, sharp at the edges.

“I’m not a homosexual,” she says. “I’m just not.”

The waking Octavia Carter would have laughed, not insensible to the echo of her own self-denial, and then heaped bitter cruelty on Willow’s head. But I’m fifteen years old and still terrified of being noticed, catalogued, interviewed, condemned, taken away, dismantled. Her denial — or is it truth? — only serves to widen that trickle of anger, to confuse the target, to still my tongue.

After a moment of silence Willow nods at the hospital, the shadows and the rain, the quiet churn of desperate activity beyond our bubble of dream.

“Five years ago,” she says. “Two thousand twenty, the plague. Remember that? I — she.” A tut. “She kept you safe through that as well.”

“Pandemic.”

Willow frowns at me, narrow-eyed, sour.

“Pandemic,” I repeat. “Plague is inaccurate. Plague is a specific disease. I hate when people call it that. It was a pandemic.”

“I didn’t know you felt so strongly.” A touch of sarcasm. My Willow, my dream-girl, would never have been sarcastic.

A shrug. “You don’t know me. You never knew me. You trapped me in a dream and played with the shadow I cast on a wall. Because you couldn’t face yourself? Because you were a coward? Are a coward? You trapped me in a dream, Willow! So you didn’t have to face the fact you wanted to, what, to fuck me?! Because you’re a liar. Liar. Liar!”

Willow’s face hardens, the first glimmers of golden toxins behind her eyes, dancing like flecks of rotten snow. “At ten I hadn’t yet started to change. At fifteen I’m getting there, and it’s terrifying.”

“Change?”

“Mmhmm.” Her hands twitch and shiver, sometimes too fast to follow, leaving behind afterimages in darkened gold. “By fifteen you’re the only thing anchoring her — me? huh — to the waking world. By fifteen she’s fully aware of that, knows what it means, knows the price of failure. If she loses you, off she goes, no more lucidity. And we’ve both been changing, changing so much she can’t control it, can’t keep a grasp on you anymore. I — she! — peers into your head and she sees … things that make her feel sick and strange. Things you want to do to other girls. I see the dreams you have on your own, when I’m not paying attention. And I’m in them, but I’m not me, and I’m doing things I don’t recognise. It’s all you, you, you, me as your reflection. And it makes me sick, makes me sick to see, to see, but—”

“You’re saying this is my fault?!” I hiss.

Willow glares at me through narrow slits edged with golden glint. “You have no idea what it’s like, being a Dreamer.”

“Try me.”

Willow hunches further forward in her chair, regards me like I’m an implement of her torture. Her voice drops to a whisper. “Imagine one day you wake up and you can see the face of God. It’s staring back at you from the mirror. It’s on every street corner, in every window. On the television, on your phone. It’s everyone you’ve ever known and everyone who has ever been. Every saint, every monster. It’s all of us, it’s everywhere and everything. And that revelation turns your mind inside out. Consciousness and unconsciousness swap places. Your decision making becomes opaque to yourself, the process of observation and thinking becomes occluded, you can’t see yourself anymore, just another facet of that … that edifice, that gestalt thing we’ve been building in the Dream since the first upright ape saw itself reflected in the water. Your emotions, your fantasies, your idle thoughts, they become external, impressed on the world.” She pauses, blinks hard. “That’s how my parents died. A child’s foolish thought that she hated mummy and daddy, just for a second, just for a moment. And the thing we all are, it responded.”

She looks away from me, breathing hard for a moment, continues without looking.

“Dreamers forget what they are. There’s this tugging, this urge, always saying it’s time to go. Time to leave this behind. Time to move on to better things. Because that’s what Dreamers are. A better thing. The next step of a process that we’re all going through, all humans, everyone still waking.” She draws a sharp breath through her teeth. “And I don’t … I don’t want to go. It’s terrifying. I just want to live. Wanted to live.”

Anger pools around the base of my rib cage. “And the price was keeping me in a dream?”

Willow turns back, regards me with a cocktail of spite and guilt. “By fifteen, she thought so. I thought so. I told myself. She told herself. She wanted to hide you from the world. And the world from you.”

“And now?”

Willow drops her gaze. “Every time you wrestled yourself loose, you started drowning yourself in booze. Pouring it down your throat. I had to empty your stomach, clean out your blood. Pick you up off the floor, sobbing and shaking and covered in your own vomit. You … needed me. You need this. We both needed each other.”

“Perhaps I would be more grateful if I remembered even one moment of that.”

Willow shakes her head, won’t meet my eyes. “You shouldn’t be. She put you there in the first place.”

“I was trying to escape.”

“She knows.”

Willow falls silent, watches me from the corner of her eyes, twitching and shivering as if in the grip of a silent fever, her outline leaving behind golden afterimages.

“This is all a trick,” I say. “You’re trying to make me less angry at you.”

Willow half smirks. “Is it working?”

“Maybe.”

Willow shakes her head, tight, hard, angry. “It’s no trick. Promise. You’ve already won, Octavia. You already punched me — her!” She snaps, hisses. “It’s too blurry up here at fifteen, I can’t keep it straight, her and I and I and her.” A huff. “You already punched her in the face. This?” She nods up and around with a jerky motion of her head. “This is just transition.”

“Between what?”

She frowns at me, as if I’m asking a very stupid question. “You tell me.” She points past my shoulder. “You’re the one doing it.”

Red-black light floods from the left-side entrance to the waiting room, a steady-state glow of paradoxical negative radiance. My left hand twitches toward the wheel-rim of my chair, but the light gutters and flickers, goes out by the time I have a grip. I stare at the whitewashed hospital walls, willing that promise to return.

“See?” Willow mutters. “You’re the one doing this. Full of doubts, still.”

I turn a frown on her, can’t help myself. “You started it! And why? You still haven’t answered why, not really. What gives you the right to keep me in a cage? What gives you the right to— to— to all of it! To act you did, to—”

“Because we’re better than you,” she says. “I told you already.”

I stop, dumbfounded.

Willow shrugs. “At fifteen she … I, I had already started to believe it. At ten I would have said sorry, but I won’t now, and she absolutely won’t, because it’s the truth.”

“We? ‘We’ are better? Who is we?”

“Dreamers.” She manages a weird, shaky, nervous smile. “It’s not even worth explaining it to you, Octavia. You’re a human being, homo sapiens, awake and stupid as all shit. You can’t even begin to understand what it’s like, as I already told you.” But then she leans forward, intense, eyes pulled wide. “Think about it for a moment. Think. Really think.”

“About what—”

“You think Harding’s ritual just punched a hole between the waking world and the Dreamlands? The Dreamlands, Octavia, it’s where we come from. Our minds, our souls, the bit that turns us from animal to conscious ape, whatever you want to call it. It’s us, it’s a reflection of us, reflected in the universal substrate. Harding didn’t make a portal to an alternate dimension, that’s an explanation for children and morons. The real wall he demolished was up here.” She taps the sides of her own head with both hands, hard enough to hurt. “In all of us. And we’re all crossing over, some slower, some fast, some fighting against it. Dreamers are just the ones smart enough to know it’s past time to leave. We’re taking all the next steps, and you … you ‘baseline’ humanity, mundane, uninvolved, whatever you want to call it? You’re getting left behind.” She thumps her chest. “But not us. Not the ones who stay lucid, the ones who decide for themselves. We’re staying ourselves, and we’re taking the next step at the same time. Here, in England, this is where a new kind of human civilisation starts. With us. And you’re all just so much mulch.”

Willow leans back again, shivering and shaking, visibly sweating, eyes elsewhere.

“You really believe that? A crock of megalomaniac fantasies?”

A laugh, weak and watery. “At ten? Of course not. At fifteen, maybe. There’s only so much ‘domestication’ you can endure before you start to believe what they tell you. By twenty?” Another laugh, dark and bitter. “After all she’s done, what else is there to believe?”

“And where do I fit into this vision?” I hiss.

“Why do I think I kept you in dreams?” She whispers. “At least there you were safe. You were mine—”

Click. Click. Click. Footsteps snap my eyes to the right-hand corridor mouth, the one that Willow emerged from.

A crowd has gathered in that empty mouth; shadows and shades, half-glimpsed figures beyond the threshold, outlined in thin bands of toxic gold. Ghosts of Willow’s past, of every version of her that has ever been. Solid forms lurk behind the phantoms, things like people but stretched out of all waking shape.

One detaches, compresses down, shoulders through the shades and shadows.

A man steps through the entrance, hands clasped behind his back, eyebrows raised in sardonic surprise. Long hair pulled back in a smart ponytail, face like a bird of prey, perhaps early thirties. Expensive suit, immaculately tailored, a tie that costs as much as a car, shoes so shiny they constitute a visual hazard. Something about him is too sharp, even his flat surfaces would slice flesh to ribbons. Light itself seems to split as it touches his form.

He strolls across the front of the room, eyeing everything, lingering on Willow, ignoring me. He stops across from us, rocking on his heels.

“How quaint,” he says. Posh accent. “A hospital, really? I suppose you always did go in for pointless sentimentality, Finch. And this is your pet, is it? I could get you a dozen with better looks, bigger tits, a stable of breeding sows for your—”

Willow rises to her feet, blurs across the gap, and slaps the man in the face so hard her fingernails draw blood.

She doesn’t pause to entertain his wail of indignation. She grabs him by the collar, expensive tie askew, and hauls him back the way he came, kicking him in the backside to encourage him along. Her hands seem to shred and bleed and reform wherever she touches him, while he blackens and crisps and cooks beneath her grip.

Another pair of figures have appeared in the entrance from which the man appeared, solid people close to the front of the wall of gilded shades. Willow shoves him into their arms, muffling his complaints. He vanishes into the bowels of the hospital, back into the outskirts of this private dream.

Willow walks back to me, face like thunder, ashamed as she makes eye contact. Her hands have healed back to normal, no trace of the brief fight. She doesn’t sit, stands there awkward and lost.

“Who was that?” I ask.

She shakes her head. “Others. Like me, I mean.”

“And the shapes in the doorway?”

“The same.” She shrugs. Looks down at her hands. “The rest of me, too. Waiting out there for all this to end so she can go back to … being in charge.” A loud sniff. “I don’t like being fifteen. I don’t like it at all. It’s too close to her.”

The waiting room smears sideways again, time pulling backward. Sunshine flows through the windows. The air turns warm and sticky. Willow shrinks, grows younger, back to ten years old, skin peeling, hands in blood-flecked tatters.

She smiles at me, awkward, tentative. “That’s better. I’m kinda scary the older I am.”

I’m young again too, numb, withdrawn, adrift. Grope for the plush rabbit in my lap, squeeze it hard, don’t dare let it go. “Mm.”

“You like me like this?”

A shrug. “I suppose. When I was ten.”

Writhing shapes obscure the sunlight, ragged sheets of flesh casting filthy shadows on the walls. Far-off in the hospital, somebody shouts, wailing lost in languages I don’t recognise. The ground shudders, the beginning of a fever.

Willow’s eyes cloud with the kind of dread that only children can feel.

“Can I … ” She gestures with one hand, an awkward half-grip closing on a limb I don’t possess. “Can I … maybe before it ends … can I … ”

She can’t finish.

“The dream’s ending?” I ask.

Willow nods. Her eyes are so round, whites too wide, staring at a point on the floor. “When it ends … I’ll go back to being … her. I really don’t want to.” She glances up at me, furtive, shy. “C-could we—”

Red-black light explodes from my left, a solid wave flooding from a breached seawall. An inferno of crimson negation spills over into the waiting room, the advance guard of a looming tidal wave, dying the floor, the chairs, the abstract murals on the walls, washing out the sunlight, plunging half the world into paradoxical blood and darkness. Even Willow is not immune, her face lit in sudden ruby profile, one eyeball stained scarlet. A line of division forms where the light ends, a boundary of heat haze.

This time the light does not gutter and fade. She who it heralds has arrived, though she was here all along.

She stands at the threshold, clad head to toe in heavy dark metal, a black knight from the bloody end of a million grim fairy-tales. Nemesis and villain, abhorred abomination, no place at the round table for the likes of this figure, a stalking horror from the fens and the marshes, the woods and the moors, a thing spat out by hell’s machinery and wandered in from the wilderness beyond so-called civilisation. Her armour drinks the red-black light and pours it back out into the world, corrupting the dream with the backwash of her inner furnace.

The plates of her armour interlock so perfectly that each moves against the others without need of oil, soundless as she raises her right hand. That fist, her gauntlet, is threaded through with veins of deepest molten red, the metal itself inadequate to the task of containing what lies beneath. A black cloak hangs from her shoulders, a slice of void cut from the universal constant. She carries no weapon, needs only her fists.

She raises her right hand to her faceless mask. The mask becomes a helmet, was always a helmet, her previous form not yet complete. The right side is riven by a jagged rasp of bleeding red.

The black knight removes her helmet. Dark hair falls free, shimmering like oil. Eyes of pure red meet mine, molten from the forge; one whole, the other a familiar narrow slit. Her scar — a jagged mess down the right side of her face — glows from within, throbbing in time with her heartbeat. Unsmiling, undying, inevitable.

Octavia Carter.

She reaches out with her other hand, offers me a way into the future.

Tears have appeared on my cheeks, slow and silent and without sobbing. I fumble for the grip on my wheelchair’s left wheel. But I can’t, or else I’ll drop my plush rabbit, and then I’ll be alone, forever.

Paralysed by my own red-black apotheosis, afraid she might grow impatient, turn away and leave me behind and never come back.

“P-please, please, w-wait … ”

No answer. No movement. She has always waited.

The floor shivers and shakes, too hard now to deny. The sunlight outside dies away, birdsong falls silent. Strange winds howl and whip against the exterior walls of the hospital. Vast shapes pass overhead, shadows beyond the windows.

Willow looks from the magical girl to me, then to the plush rabbit clenched in my lap, faint tears misting her eyes.

“You’ll have to abandon part of yourself,” she says softly, wet in the back of her throat. “I think that’s how it works, when you want to move on. You have to cut out the parts of yourself that don’t fit anymore. Even if it hurts. No different to me, I suppose.” She catches my distraught look, gestures weakly at herself. “I left this behind, piece by piece. Me at ten. I … I don’t think it was … a good idea … ”

I raise the rabbit. Can’t let go. “I don’t even remember her name!” I whine. “The— my bunny, I mean, I don’t, I don’t— I don’t even have any of this in the first place. I don’t want to forget again! But I … I … ”

Willow bites her lower lip, frowns with the kind of stony determination that only a child can muster. “Are you sure you want this?”

Blink up at her. “What?”

She points at the other me. Red-black. Grown up. Dangerous.

“Yes,” I say. “Yes! That’s me! The real me, or the me I should be. And you — I mean the other you, in the future, she’s trying to stop me. She hurt me so much. You hurt me.”

“Not me,” Willow says, trying to blink away the sheen of her tears. “Her. The person I will be.”

“You will hurt me, then.”

“I’m sorry, Octavia.” A loud sniff. “I only ever wanted … I never meant to … you were really my favourite person, you know? You always will be.”

“I won’t forgive you,” I whisper.

“I know.”

“I … I’ll hate you.”

“I know.” She nods. Steps behind my wheelchair. Takes the handles.

“Wi-Willow!? What are you doing!?”

She wheels me forward, turns my chair to the left, toward the future, my own outstretched gauntlet.

“If I do it for you,” she says, voice thin and quiet, “then you won’t have to leave anything behind.”

The other me, bathed in red-black glow, framed by the blurred outline of the hallway behind, doesn’t react to Willow’s charity. She keeps her eyes locked on mine, her proffered hand steady as a steel beam.

Willow wheels me forward, plunges us into the tidal overflow of paradoxical light. Red-black soaks through my skin, warms me like an open flame inside my veins, stains my sight, my touch, my sense of smell and taste, tugging on me from inside, like the linked arms of an old friend around the muscle of my heart and the meat of my organs. Willow sniffles and swallows behind me, fighting her sorrow.

My eyes are full of tears too.

“ … are you … ” I whisper. “Willow. Are you still inside her? The future you, are you still inside her? Can I … can I save you?”

“Probably not”, she murmurs.

“Will she remember any of this?”

“Yes? Maybe. But she won’t pay attention, she won’t pay it any mind. It doesn’t matter to her. I don’t matter to her.” Willow’s voice breaks softly. She takes one hand off the wheelchair, to scrub her eyes. “I’m not even … not even a memory for her anymore. She thinks I was stupid.”

Octavia Carter, magical girl, looms tall as a steam engine, a machine-god at the threshold of a new heaven. We are only a few paces from her now. One last push and she will be close enough to touch. I want to be her so badly, more than I want my limbs back, more than I miss my parents, more than I want anything else in the world.

But I don’t want to leave Willow — this Willow — behind.

“W-Willow?” I murmur. Can’t get the words out. Feels so unfair. “Can … can we … ”

Somehow she knows what I’m going to ask. Willow pauses, lets go of my chair, comes around in front, facing me. My future towers behind her, a machine of iron and magma and the empty void of space, framing this tiny scrap of flesh, a ten-year-old girl who never got to live.

Willow mounts an admirable rear-guard action against her own tears, biting her lips, scrunching her eyes, fists balled up tight. She loses the war when I hold out my left hand, still clutching my plushie, to confirm my simple request. She sobs once, then bawls and wails, even as she leans down and pulls me into an awkward, sweaty, badly-angled hug.

Is this the first time we’ve ever really embraced? In a dream, as it fades and fractures? Willow’s chewed fingernails dig into my back, her blood spots my clothes, her tears blossom as a wet patch on my shoulder, and her body shakes, wracked by sobs, as we cry together.

The dream bucks and jolts like a planet coming apart. High winds howl beyond the thin shell of hospital’s memory. Vast shapes roil and drift beyond the windows, held at bay only by the stone-steady glow of red-black light.

Willow lets go, wipes her eyes on her forearm. “I guess this is … this is bye … ” She moves to step behind the wheelchair again, to finish handing me off to the future.

I put out my left arm, block her way. “Wait.”

“Octavia? No, no you can’t, you can’t— I can’t— you can’t give yourself up to her— t-to me— it’s not … ”

I offer her the plush rabbit. Willow’s eyes go wide.

“I remembered her name,” I say. “Flopsy. Kind of cliche. But sometimes cliches are good.”

“No—”

“You hold onto her, Willow.”

Willow shakes her head. “You can’t— you can’t rescue me. Octavia, you can’t rescue me. I don’t exist outside of this dream. When this ends, I … ”

I push the plush rabbit against her, force her to accept it, force ‘Flopsy’ into Willow’s trembling hands.

“Hold onto her for me. And never drop her.”

Willow nods, clutches Flopsy to her chest, tries not to cry again.

I reach down and grab the rim of my left wheel, though my arm is too weak to propel myself forward alone. “One last push, please?”

Willow nods, ducks behind the chair, takes the right handle. Between my left hand and her right, we wheel the memory of my broken body within reach of my future self.

Octavia Carter regards me with eyes of solid molten red, tiny windows on a sea of infinite rage harnessed to greater purposes, the right narrowed to a slit of old pain. My left hand trembles as I let go of the wheelchair, sweaty and clammy as I stretch out my fingers, reaching for her metal gauntlet.

My tiny pale hand vanishes as she closes her grip around mine. She pulls me out of the wheelchair, lifts me into the air, wrenching joints out of place, the hard metal angles of her steel body digging into my vulnerable flesh, compacting my bones as she props me against her hip, like a mother holding a child. I don’t struggle, don’t resist, don’t cry out or sob at the pain, because this is the pain of transformation, the strange sweet agony of dreaming oneself anew.

“I love you,” I tell myself.

“I know,” I say.

She raises her black helmet with her right hand, lowers it down over my head.

And then I am her and she is I. She was always me and I was always going to be her, with all the universe lined up for this moment of transformation, every atom since the big bang dancing and weaving to create this single twist of the self, a sideways transition predetermined at the birth of time. This Steel Lady, this Black Knight, This Machine has lived in my heart since before I was born, when I was a dream and a sigh beyond the wall of sleep, when I waited at the threshold to be made flesh, when I was slick with blood and amniotic fluid, when I took my first step, when I spoke my first word. My entire life has led to this moment. My parents died to keep me alive, my mother crushed by rubble and my father’s back broken by the weight of material reality. But now I am here, I am the fruit of that process and more, despite all the attempts to crush me into the dirt and grind me to pieces. I’m still here.

This Machine is eternal. A Tungsten Engine roars to life. An Iron Angel is born in dreams, and it’s only a one short step across the ruined wall, out into the waking world.

I open my own eyes, look across a dissolving dream.

The hospital is ripping apart at the seams, shuddering and shaking as if in the grip of an earthquake, riven by deep rents glowing with colours the waking mind could never name, shapes crawling and writhing to get inside. Only my own red-black light keeps the collapse at bay, a space of negative reality where the hospital has already ceased to exist.

A chasm opens across the width of the waiting room. Willow — ten years old, clutching my plush rabbit to her chest, tears falling from her eyes — is already on the far side.

A crowd of clutching ghosts waits in the opposite entrance, a hundred arms outstretched to welcome her back to herself. Half a dozen dark figures lurk beyond. Willow’s people, who I never knew.

Willow pauses on the final step before recombination, before forgetting herself in her own future.

She looks back, makes eye contact, says nothing.

And then she’s gone, one step forward, subsumed by a decade of other selves, embraced and lifted up and swallowed by the Willow who will exist five years from then, ten years from now, her dream-form digested into the darkly glowing mass, a ten-year-old girl taken apart thought by thought and recycled for other ends. A tiny speck vanishes into the distance — my plush rabbit, or perhaps my imagination.

The hospital finishes collapsing, falls away like an eggshell. A whirling void howls open on every side, a riot of dream-stuff madness, inhabited by a million formless presences.

Willow’s recombination drives all that away like a storm purging the breeze. She plunges us together into a starless darkness that goes on forever and ever. Empty light years stretch away in every direction.

She is a titan, a black hole churning golden toxins around herself in stellar spirals of glittering destruction, but I am armoured in imperishable black metal. She gets in my face, screaming and sobbing in humiliated frustration, but my helmet is proof against her voice. She is towering over me, trying to pick me up, her fingers splitting and bleeding against the sharp edges of my steel machine. She is a corpse, begging me to join her in the grave, so at least we may lie in death together; but I cannot, because machines never die.

I raise my right fist, a prosthetic inside my black steel gauntlet, surrounded by the whip and whirl of Willow’s accretion disk, untouched by her scrabbling fingers, her broken nails, her caustic tears, her lying voice.

“I know who I am,” I say.

The voice of a billion screaming stars denies the truth, tells me I have no idea what I’m saying, demands I come home.

My fist says otherwise.

~~~~~~~

Translocation completes; dream shatters like stained glass.

Momentum carries me forward fist-first, knuckles parting fog-thick air like a steam engine through a forest fire; black steel boots scrape twin lines of hot sparks from the cold asphalt of an Oxford street. Willow — a scrap of gold-sputtering flesh — flies end over end, knocked sideways, slammed back, sent spinning by my fist against her face. Spewing a trail of toxic gold, she rolls across the tarmac, shatters part of the pavement, crashes through a brick wall. Her golden blood cools on my black steel knuckles, sliding off, unable to find purchase.

I come to a halt. Breathing like bellows. Limbs like pistons. Head an engine, heart a furnace.

Straighten up. Unmake my fist. Lower my arm.

Encased in black metal, leaking red light, I have never before felt so much like myself.

But there’s no time to bask in self-aggrandisement and navel-gazing, no pause to take in my suit of armour or wonder over the strange feeling that all my limbs are prosthetic now, that my organs are machines and my brain is a living circuit of pistons and gears and valves. No moment to think about this machine.

Earth, England, Oxford.

Nightmare.

Air thick as fog — but not fog, lit and choked both at once from every side by sheets of light that fall like rain, throbbing and pulsing like the inner bowels of some great beast that has swallowed the city, sluicing and surging between the visible ghosts of buildings on every side, a fun-house full of mirrors that reflect nothing but themselves. Impossible colours range and riot beyond the human visual spectrum, colours for which we have no names; searing dark pink that is also rot-green at the same time, a colour that reaches into my brain stem and makes me want to vomit.

Strange forms and unthinkable shapes dart and lumber through the radiant murk, bobbing in the air or scuttling low to the ground, the lost and the displaced from the far side of the wall of sleep. Screams and shouts and gurgles and rattles swirl on the sucking air. A reek penetrates my helmet, a stench like smoke and thunder and animal flesh and the bottom of the sea washed up onto the shore.

Overhead, occluded by the maddening light and the false impression of thick mist, a jagged leviathan drags itself across the stained sky. It is so large that its passage cuts runnels and eddies in the atmosphere, washes the streets below with backwash pressure.

A crown of thorns in bronze and umber, surfaces crawling with colours that make sight swim and head pound.

The heart of this Nightmare?

It sings a silent song, a throbbing note that makes reality bleed at the edges of vision, conjuring leering faces in the ground, turning the shadows of buildings into the legs of titans in the dark.

Pressure mounts behind my eyes, all too familiar, the same any mundane human must endure as a Nightmare passes over. But unlike every previous time — huddled in a shelter, eyes screwed up tight, hands clamped over my ears — the pressure does not overwhelm, does not spill into madness as reality unwinds itself. I am still here, sane and whole.

Magical girls can endure Nightmares; magical girls are supposed to fight Nightmares. Up there, somebody is fighting hard. Shouts, explosions, the crack-crack of firearms, all echoing into the swirling false fog, swallowed by the light-in-darkness.

I open my mouth to call out. Translocation brought me to England, to Oxford. Did it bring me to Grimgrave, Bright, Signal?

Willow steps from the shattered brick wall.

Bleeding from a hundred cuts and grazes, golden light spilling from her wounds, clothes torn and wet and dirty and ruined, hair lank as rat-tails, eyes fixed on me with love’s sour dregs.

She straightens up. No more guttering golden toxins, no more spluttering of a failing reactor, not down here on Earth where she belongs. Her wounds slick themselves shut, lapping her skin over to creamy smoothness. Her clothes restitch themselves. She steps forward, clean shoes appearing on her feet. Her hair dries, combed to silken perfection.

Only one wound stays true, and turns her blood to red instead of liar’s gold; a nasty bruise forming around her left eye socket, edges grazed and scraped. A black eye from my right fist.

There is no trace of the cold slug she placed in the back of my head; it has been burned away.

She doesn’t smile. Tears gather in angry eyes.

“I’m not yours anymore,” I say, voice ringing out from inside my black helmet.

Willow’s lips curl in a cruel, hateful smile, stained by fresh tears. “So you think, Octavia. But down here, I’m the one who’s free. Have fun by yourself, my pet. You’ll come crying back soon enough.”

She steps backward, sinking into the sucking miasma of impossible light and illusory fog, swallowed up by dream-stuff maelstrom.

No more Dreamer to keep the pressure at bay, no more magnet to hold open this brief eye in a storm.

Willow vanishes; Nightmare wave-front closes over my head.



Previous Chapter Next Chapter



A final dream, one last thing shared before the transformation, and it might be the only truth they’ve ever had in common. Poor Octavia. Poor Willow, even? At least the Willow which existed before all this.  And now Octavia’s deep in shit. But at least she’s armoured now.

This chapter really surprised me! It grew during the planning/outlining process for the arc, from a few paragraphs of one chapter into a whole sequence unto itself; I was almost sort of surprised how early this ended up being, but I’m trying not to pull any narrative punches in Maidens, no artificially holding things back. So Octavia and Willow took charge here, and I wasn’t going to tell them no.

A couple of other things this week; I’ve got a schedule change, and a shoutout!

I’ve adjusted the upcoming schedule over on the Maidens Contents Page (https://hungryshedgerow.net/maidens-of-the-fall-chapters/); I’ve moved the next break week forward one week.

There won’t be a chapter next Saturday, and then publishing will resume as normal.

This is sort of a precuation; I’m not taking a break, I’m still going to be working and writing, but behind the scenes I’ve been rather unwell recently (nothing serious, don’t worry, it’ll pass). In the past whenever I’ve had this kind of flare-up, I’ve always tried to power though, telling myself I’ve got more than enough time to write and edit a whole chapter; this often ends in me having to cancel things halfway through the week, disappointing everybody, and putting myself under additional pressure.

This time I’m trying the opposite. There is no chapter scheduled for next week, but if things go well, there will be a surprise chapter, and the break week will go back to normal! If not, then chapters will resume afterward, as normal. I hope this isn’t too disappointing, my apologies, especially after I had to shift a break week last month for similar reasons.

I’m trying to look on the bright side of this; with the adjusted break week, that will line up the next break with the end of the arc. Very tidy, very dramatically fitting!

 

And I also have a shoutout again this week!

Baron & Zombie (by EE Sharp) is not the kind of thing I usually recommend or shout-out to my audience (mostly because it’s not yuri, what can I say, I have a type, right?) but I am shouting this out because it is very good and deserves some more attention, and EE Sharp is a really, really skilled writer and storyteller. I am, as some of you might be aware, famously terrible at writing blurbs or explaining stories, so I am going to just paste EE Sharp’s much more professional blurb; go check it out, you might enjoy it!

 

Prestige is power. Toil for the gods, make a wish, and receive a miracle.

New York City, the spring of 1952. Secular power is ascendant, and atomic weaponry casts a long shadow over the Earth. Yet secret cults still influence the course of nations. Cultists pull strings and slit throats, using money and magic to empower their vast conspiracies.

An elite Soviet assassin vanishes with the Cat o’ Nine Lives, an ancient artifact which grants its bearer the right to die nine deaths. In desperation, a waning faction of the Soviet cult hires the ageless madman-philosopher Baron d’Holbach and his invincible right hand, the Zombie. Their task? Recover the artifact in secrecy, on American soil, before the world learns the Cat is gone.

If they fail, then a carefully managed balance of power will collapse, the Cold War will turn hot, and nuclear armageddon will soon follow.

Despite the stakes, they won’t be welcome in the halls and temples of the gods. They are living relics, responsible for diminishing the power of magic in the world, and the Baron in particular is reviled for interfering in occult politics. But the Zombie insists—they will interfere, and if the Baron dies during their mission, the Zombie will bury the world along with him.

Baron & Zombie is a historical urban fantasy set in the early Cold War, in an age when magic is waning and technology is ascendant, and old forces move once again to decide the fate of nations.

 

Meanwhile, if you want more Maidens right away, you can always:

Subscribe on Patreon!

Right now my patrons have access to three chapters ahead! For the moment I’m going to try to keep it as three; in the future I hope to push this out to more.

And thank you, dear readers! I know I say this every single week, but I mean it nonetheless; none of this would be possible without all of you and your support. You are the juice that powers magical girls, I am merely the dream-thing feeding them my mysterious zoog oil. Thank you all, thank you for reading!

Next chapter, Octavia is down deep in the Nightmare, and she’s not quite alone …

Maidens of the Fall – Parasomnia – 5.2

Content Warnings

Ableism
Homophobia
Abusive relationships



Previous Chapter Next Chapter



Unnumbered headlong heartbeats later — careening down shadow-clotted concrete corridors, skidding sideways in heedless haste to scramble round blind corners, plunging deep into dark places where all lights have failed, chased by distant echoes through empty vaults, beneath monumental quiet, past grave-thick dust in abandoned rooms, hopping bulkhead ridges and warning-taped steps, ducking around fossilised damage and skirting the edges of forgotten battle-sites, hip bone screaming and left knee buckling, lungs pumping and throat rasping raw — I finally slow and stumble and stutter out to a tentative stop.

Because I think, when I glance back, and there is no sign of toxic golden glow, that I have lost Willow.

Nerys balances near-weightless on my left shoulder as I double up, heave for breath, try not to crumple to my knees or empty my stomach, clutching my prosthetic to my chest. Her claws dig through my t-shirt, breaking skin against clavicle and shoulder blade. Spittle drips from my lips. Tongue tastes like iron.

Magical girls are good sprinters, amputees and cripples are not; I’m still an incomplete version of the former, a perfect specimen of the latter. My hips have exploded into jagged shrapnel, the stump of my right thigh chafed to exposed bone, the muscles of my left leg pulverised to jelly, weak and wobbly from the hopeless effort of matching the piston-power in my prosthetic right. I haven’t run that fast since I was a little girl, since never. My escape from Dream Control Oxford Headquarters was a gentle jog by comparison.

Plato Base has guided me deep into half-lit stony viscera, dim LED bulbs ceiling-strung at irregular intervals, stairways stabbing down into pitch darkness, rooms looming with shadowy suggestion. Vast storage spaces tower on every side, crammed with rotting pallets and threadbare tarpaulins, some with curious designs carved or inked onto walls and floors, linked by a lacework of sharp-cornered corridors.

No zoogs back here, no monuments to brave Moon Beasts or the forgotten habitation of Ghouls. Just old damage, inches of dust, dense concrete. Unlike the easy journey to the makeshift graveyard a few days ago, I would not be able to retrace my steps from memory.

Nerys rasps in my ear: “Octavia, your arm! Arm up! Arm!”

Too breathless to reply, coated with sickly sweat, shivering with fear’s ugly cousin, I give Nerys a look that says ‘I know, I have not taken complete leave of my senses, you giant rodent made of road tar’. She gives no indication of comprehension, rapping my spine with the tip of her tail, snout on a swivel, alert for signs of pursuit.

I straighten up, swallow a convulsive cough, stagger toward the wall, gait crooked from pain in my hips. Cold concrete braces my back, shoulders a moment of rest.

Absolute silence.

Hundreds of meters of concrete and lunar rock muffle any hint of the rainstorm outdoors. This is the north end of Plato Base, dug deep into a flank of the Montes Alpes, nestled in the dark beneath the moon. Even the ever-present furtive shufflings and distant creakings from the depths have fallen still. Nobody takes the risk, not while a monster stalks the halls.

A wordless echo whispers from the dark, a voice heard from across an abyss. Might be my imagination. Could be my name.

A handful of heartbeats later I hear it again, lost in the rat-nest of corridors.

“Is that her?” I whisper. “Is that Willow?”

Nerys bares her teeth beside my face. “Yesssssss. Yes.”

“Why can’t she find me? Teleport to me, appear behind my back, whatever. She’s a Dreamer, surely she can just—”

“Luna is not her world,” Nerys whispers back, tightening her tail around my upper arm. “She has no dominion here, I do. She does not know this place. Huunnhh! Octavia, your arm!”

I nod, try to squat, discover the pain in my hips is worse than I thought. Choke down another broken cough, slump against the wall. I end up sprawled on my arse, legs out straight, prosthetic arm laid across my lap. During the sprint I managed to transfer the roll of carbon fibre tape from clenched between my teeth to wedged around my left wrist, but removing it again proves an unexpected challenge. My left arm hurts almost as much as my hips. My shoulder and elbow are wrenched all wrong, tendons twisted, muscles strained, all from smashing a chair over Willow’s head. The exposed skin on my hand and forearm is turning red and raw, tiny blisters forming beneath the surface; brief immersion in Willow’s golden corona has inflicted something very much like a fast-forward radiation burn.

The carbon fibre tape makes an escape attempt as it comes free, rolling off toward the dark. I lunge, catch it, force a grunt from my lungs, try not to scream at the abrasive pain against my palm and fingers. Nerys goes very still on my shoulder, tail tight around my bicep. I hold my breath, alert for the echo of Willow’s voice.

There it is again. Calling my name. Closer now, can almost make out the syllables.

Cold mucus unfolds a putrescent blossom in the back of my head, mycelial filaments sliding between the whorls of my brain, the dream-parasite reawakened by Willow’s call. Anger has burnt out, all spent on the sprint, nothing left to kill the seed she planted. Fear settles onto my chest and into my gut, a physical weight. Frozen sweat chills my skin. I start to shake.

She is coming for me again and this time there is nobody to help. Willow is already inside my head and there will be no escape. Of course I belong to her. This brief period of playing pretend with my ‘freedom’ is coming to a close.

And wouldn’t that be better, to let it end?

At least I’d be happy.

Of course—

I grit my teeth, shake my head like a wet dog, hope it gives the parasite whiplash. Drag my prosthetic hand from my pocket, fumble it against the wrist-mount. Focus.

“Nerys,” I hiss. “Nerys, I can feel a … a p-parasite in the back of my head again. She’s done it again, put a fresh one inside me. W-what do I do?”

“Get as far away from the Dreamer as you can,” Nerys hisses. “Keep away, keep your scent from her! And don’t let her at your eyes, don’t let her look. Don’t look!”

“No!” I snap. “I mean how do I get it out!? Can you get it out? Nerys, can you get it out of me?”

“Not I! I can’t!” Nerys rasps. “You, you! Like before!”

A whine claws at the base of my throat; I was afraid Nerys would say that. The previous dream-parasite was surgically removed by my other self — that steel angel of paradoxical red-black light and imperishable metal, the presence at my back who had stepped into my skin up on the hospital rooftop, a clarity of purpose I have had no further glimpse of since the severing of my arm. That I was ever her, that she was ever me, seems impossible from the nadir of my current state, lost and alone and in pain, hiding in the dark from an embryonic god to whom I have always belonged.

Transformation or slavery. Either this works, or I am forever Willow’s creature.

With the prosthetic hand locked into place, I lay the arm across my lap and press the battery level indicator. The little white bar reads 100%, a welcome impossibility. Three quick presses should reset the articulation on the hand. I pray that I have not missed a wire, made a mistake, miscalculated. Pray to the universe, to the Dream-God on my shoulder, to the memory of my own red-black transformation. My left hand shakes so bad I can barely keep a grip.

Three quick presses, click, click, click.

The hand twitches. Four fingers and one thumb straighten out.

A grin gibbers onto my face, borderline hysterical. “Yes! Yes, yes, okay, okay, we’ve got it, I’ve got it— it— it’s okay— going to be okay— here— here I am, here I am, right here, right here, get on, get on, get on, get on— you useless fucking cripple get it on get it on get it on—”

I hike up the right sleeve of my t-shirt to expose my stump, yanking so hard I almost rip the fabric. Phantom pain builds to a quivering crescendo, forgotten muscles of my dead right arm clenched in anticipation, the raw skin of my left hand burning as I awkwardly raise the prosthetic socket toward my stump.

The ugly flesh of my amputation site slips smoothly into the familiar embrace of padding and silicone and myoelectric pickups. Warm, almost body temperature already, my own pulse reflected back from the snug enclosure. A sigh of desperate release shudders through my parted lips — then a wince of something close to pain, as I jam the stump in harder than I strictly should, wedging it deep. My blistered left hand fumbles at the silicone sleeve, rolling it up all the way to my shoulder, completing the seal, locking myself back together.

Relief pours silent tears down my cheeks. A panting, high-pitched, insane laugh escapes me, echoes off into the gloom. Phantom pain ebbs away as the ghost of my limb inhabits a new machine.

I raise my prosthetic arm and make a fist.

In a dark, cold, concrete corridor, crumpled against a corner, lost and alone in the depths of the moon, exhausted and wounded, burned by dream-stuff, I am once again made whole.

Deep breaths. Scrub away the tears. Still in danger.

“What now!?” I hiss, fumbling for the straps, just to make sure my arm isn’t going anywhere. “Nerys, how do I transform? Or how do I … ” I swipe at the back of my head with my prosthetic fingers, poking at the junction between skull and spine, beneath which that speck of cold mucus broods like a nucleus of internal frostbite, ready to freeze my thoughts and drown my furnace. “How do I get this thing out!? Nerys?”

Nerys is staring off to the left, where the corridor vanishes into a deep patch of sticky shadow before a grey junction of concrete veins. I glance both ways, hoping to see a hint of red-black light, praying for my other side to make herself known.

Nothing but shadows, blank concrete, old dust.

“Transform,” Nerys hisses. “Yes, yes, transform.”

“Yeah, but how?!”

“Up to you, Octavia. All up to you!”

I open and close my right fist, work the elbow joint up and down, test the weight and heft of the newly repaired limb. It’s not quite right, not the same as before; I always knew that would be the case, but it’s one thing to estimate weight and density in a design document, quite another to feel the result as a part of your body, and know that you are not the exact way you were before. The new forearm components are a touch lighter, the whole thing feels less robust. I needed longer for the adhesive to set, needed those eight hours of sleep, but I didn’t have a choice. Perhaps transformation demands complete structural integrity.

“Where are you?” I whisper to that other self as I grab the carbon fibre tape. Not finished yet. “Where am I, I suppose? Nerys, how do I—”

“Octaviaaaaaa?”

Willow’s voice floats from the shadows and echoes off the concrete, fading like distant thunder.

She could be a hundred meters away, lost in the tangled corridors. Or she could be around the nearest corner.

“Octaviaaa? Where are you, Octavia?”

Her voice trembles as if about to crack, dripping with strained sorrow and the empty husk of indignant anger. Thick, viscous, roiling, like her throat is choked with hot tears.

A hint of light creeps into the end of the corridor, grey concrete lit from far away by flickering banners of toxic gold.

I scramble to my feet, forearm not yet reinforced with carbon fibre tape. Nerys tightens her grip on my shoulder, bears her teeth at the approaching light, tail wrapped around my left arm.

Cold slug-flesh spreads and widens inside the back of my head, creeping feelers down my spine, worming through the inner spaces of my brain, whispering thoughts I never knew were mine.

Willow would know how to strengthen my arm. She knows how to replace it entirely, with something much better than carbon fibre. She made that promise, don’t you dare forget. A Dreamer’s promise, she could do it if she wished, if I only asked, if I apologised and accepted. Willow would regrow me an arm of true flesh, and a leg too. She could make my skin inviolate and my bones unbreakable. She could grow me into whatever new shape I wish. All I have to do is open my mouth and call out to her, and she will remake the world for me, and me for the world.

I clamp my jaw tight, froth hissing through clenched teeth. Lies; Willow would reshape me according to her desires, not mine.

Raise my right fist, will myself to transform.

“Come on, come on,” I grunt. “Come on!”

But I will never achieve transformation. Octavia Carter had her one chance, and proved she was not worthy. I will remain forever a corpse, cooling in an unmarked grave. The only route back to life and warmth is beneath the light of Willow’s sun. Let her embrace me, and I will live again and never die.

Nothing happens. No transformation. No red-black glow in my peripheral vision.

The uneven golden radiance at the end of the corridor grows brighter and harder in fluttering bursts, auroral streamers flowing from a collapsing core, swirling across the grey concrete walls, pooling against the floor. A scent like the sunlight of half-remembered childhood afternoons fails to cover the reek of electrical burning and raw petroleum.

“Octaviaaaaa!”

Nerys hisses in my ear. “Octavia, hide! Hide, now!”

Fear overrides the lying whispers from that slime-soaked slug-parasite in the back of my brain. I turn and stagger away, lopsided and wincing, dragging myself a few paces further into the corridor, then slumping through the first doorway on the right, a bulkhead portal ringed with rusted steel. The room inside is a massive echoing concrete vault, unlit except for the backwash of light from the corridor. Detritus covers the floor, coated in thick dust, spotted with bits of old paper, half-obscured scrawlings in faded black. Another exit looms on the opposite side, as does a third far off to the left, portals into deeper shade. Pallets and rotten crates are stacked up in sagging lines. I limp over to the nearest row and slip into cover, then grab the carbon fibre tape and prepare to finish my arm.

“No, no!” Nerys rasps, claws tightening, surely drawing blood from my numb shoulder. “She’ll hear the tape, it’s loud, loud, loud stuff!”

My hands freeze. Nerys is right, the carbon fibre tape rasps worse than a zoog when it peels from the roll.

“Octaviaaaa?”

She’s here.

Golden incandescence seeps into my peripheral vision. Pressure builds inside my ears. The burned skin on my left arm throbs and aches. Humid air draws freezing sweat from my brow.

Light footsteps from the corridor, soggy and damp. Shoes off, socks wet; she must have defeated Gregory, got drenched in the process.

Don’t breathe. Don’t blink. Will my heart to stop.

A blaze of toxic golden light suddenly washes over the walls, throws the room into stark illumination cut by hard-edged shadows, eating at the edge of my cover, as if burning away the periphery of the ancient wooden crates with powerful acid. Golden light swirls and coils like oil on the surface of the sun, guttering and flickering, seething and pulsating. A damaged engine running out of control, spewing fuel and coolant.

“Octavia?” Willow says. “I can tell you’re nearby.”

A laugh, half-girlish and half-crazed, bubbling over with humiliation and overripe anger.

“I’d love to say that I can smell you.” When she speaks again, her voice drifts deeper into the room. Quivering, fragile, each breath sending streamers of toxic gold rushing overhead. “But it’s nothing so mundane as all that. No, it’s more like … like my heart is a magnet, and I can feel you tugging at it whenever you’re close by. It’s always been that way, ever since the very first day we met.” She takes a deep breath, lets it out as a sigh; the golden light unfolds like a solar flare. “I’ve never told you that before. Perhaps I should have done so, perhaps you would have known what you mean to me, then maybe all this ugliness would never have happened.” A sniff, holding back tears, a thickening in her voice. “I’m not just saying this to win you over, Octavia. I am not weaving some cheap romanticism. This is the truth. Do you believe me? You must, you simply must. I can’t live without you, Octavia. I can’t. I’ll die.”

Damp footsteps plod to the centre of the room, dragging the epicentre of the light. I stay perfectly still, resist the absurd, alien tugging that tells me to reply, to stick my hand out from cover, to give myself what I’ve wanted all along. Nerys has turned cold as old tar on my shoulder.

“I made mistakes,” Willow says. “God knows, I made so many mistakes, and I won’t resent you for blaming me, for wanting me to account for my actions, my poor decisions, all of it. There has been a double betrayal here, you are not to blame for that. Back in the hospital … ” Willow’s voice breaks, stutters in time with the gutter of her toxic corona. “I said … I said it wasn’t … that what we felt for each other wasn’t … wasn’t … love.”

Golden light rotates in slow spirals against the wall, the off-gassing of a dying star. Tendrils of visible toxin drift through the air overhead, thick bands of glittering acid.

“And now I take that back,” Willow says, voice thick with fake emotion. “Yes, I take it back.” A pause. “Octavia? I take it back.”

Don’t breathe. Don’t blink. Don’t twitch. Give her nothing.

Willow screeches at the top of her lungs: “I take it back! Octavia! Answer me!”

Her noxious aurora throbs and whirls like a silent hurricane in golden miniature, bannering past my cover to buffet against the walls. The air reeks like rancid petrol, boiling salt water, rotten cabbages. But then she’s panting for breath, catching herself, swallowing hard. The corona ebbs back down.

Light shifts to one side, brightening on my right, edging toward the end of the row of rotten old crates; she is coming for my hiding place. The cold slug in the back of my head tries to root me to the spot, whispering promises of forgiveness and understanding. But it has no power over the piston of my prosthetic leg. I creep down the row of boxes with a lopsided hobble, shoulders low, left leg dragging, breathing open-mouthed, silent as I can.

Smashing a chair over Willow’s head stunned her earlier, but she’s beyond that now. I can’t turn and fight her anymore than I could split a storm with my fist.

“You have no idea what it’s like,” Willow says, sniffing back more tears, “being a Dreamer.”

I stumble round the next corner just in time. Willow’s golden gleam floods the row behind me, chewing at the shadows, filling the air with a reek like superheated plastic.

“Or rather, you do, you see?” she goes on. “That’s part of why I chose you, Octavia. Part of what forged our special bond, something only you and I can have together. Nobody else can replace you. I lost my parents entirely by accident, that wasn’t a lie, it really happened. I never meant for it, and it left me … confused, alone, hurting. You lost yours too, the same way. You understand what it feels like to be the only one of your kind, lost and left behind, without anybody to turn to. That’s why I knew, when we first met, when both of us were still just children, that you were the one for me. I just couldn’t see it before. Couldn’t understand what I already had. I didn’t understand myself, Octavia. But now, I do, I do!” Her voice hitches with sickly mania. “I understand now what I had, what we had together. And I never want anything else. Please, Octavia? Please say something. I know you’re nearby.”

In questionable silence, I limp the length of the next row of crates and boxes and old tarpaulins. Willow’s searing light blooms on the other side of the row, where I was moments before, barely two feet away. We pass within touching distance.

I creep onward fast as I can move, but Willow is in motion too. She is going to reach the far end and turn the corner before I can escape, and then she will see me. The cold slug at the base of my brain slows my steps, forces me to linger, muscles quivering, fighting against the gravitational pull of Willow, a black hole spewing death from her accretion disk.

“I know I was acting wrong,” she says. “But I’m ready to be normal again now. Octavia, do you hear me? I’m ready to be normal again. Please. I’ll even forgive you for hitting me. I know you didn’t mean it, not really, that’s not who you are. I forgive you, Octavia! I forgive you!”

My escape — from the row of boxes, back out into the corridor — is still twenty feet away, and Willow is almost at the opposite end of the row, golden light bleeding around the corner in great glittering washes. In another three paces she will round that corner to my rear and her golden radiance will wash over me and blot out everything but her; the cold slug-thing in the back of my head squirms against my spine, trying to turn me around, turn me to face her, stop me so she can see. I fight for the corner, reaching for the rotten old wood of a crate, right hand outstretched, heart hammering, muscles straining, squeezing toward another collapse.

As if by a miracle, Willow stops walking. She lets out a huge sigh. Golden light flares and flashes overhead.

Gravitational pull releases. I scramble forward, around the next corner, into deep shadow, trying not to heave for breath lest she hear.

Willow pauses for a long moment, light guttering and stuttering. Is she finally running out of fuel?

“I … ” Her voice falters, high and dry, breathy with something akin to anxiety. “I know what you’ve been … doing.” Heavy on that final word, brittle with strange dignity. Her toxic golden light leaves the rows of boxes entirely, wandering back out into the open middle of the room, casting long jagged shadows overhead. “I know you’ve been trying to … to do … certain things, to yourself.”

I squint with disbelief.

“Oh,” Willow sighs, despairing at herself. “Why must I be delicate about this? You reek like an animal in heat, Octavia.” Her voice rushes with disgusted relief. “I know what you’ve been up to, up here with these loose women, their tricks and their lies. And I know you haven’t been able to … to achieve satisfaction.”

Masturbation. Willow is talking about my attempts to masturbate, and she can’t even say the word.

Silence stretches thin, tortured by the sputtering, hissing breakdown of Willow’s dream-stuff form, spiralling out from her in streamers and outflows of golden pseudo-matter. She is coming apart, new holes punctured by this unspeakable taboo.

“And I … ” She says. “I can … no, I will. I will.” A deep breath, steeling herself. “I will do it for you, Octavia.”

An involuntary rush runs from my groin to my head. Willow — my Willow, the girl I thought I had a thousand times — is promising to jill me off.

The clammy mucosal parasite in the back of my head hijacks that hormonal rush, uses the chemical impulse for catalyst, takes hold of my brain and my jaw and my mouth, tries to move my tongue, shouting yes, yes, yes!

I clamp my prosthetic hand over my lower face, hold my jaw shut by force, plug my nostrils with my thumb and forefinger, stab my cheek with my nails.

“I can be gentle,” Willow is saying. “You know just how gentle I can be. Or I can be forceful, if that’s what you need. Whatever you require, I can shape myself to fit. Whatever you need in order to … to feel … good.” She forces that word out, like an olive pit against her teeth. “I can make myself an expert, to give you what you need. We’ll learn it together, Octavia. Please? I can learn, and then you’ll be my good girl again, you’ll see. You’ll be my good girl … ”

Willow’s voice trails off, dragged by soggy footsteps. Her toxic golden light grows dimmer, swallowed up into the corridor. She has left through the opposite exit.

A ruse? Golden brilliance shimmers in my peripheral vision for a time, then ebbs away, lowering me back into thick grey gloom.

I wait, prosthetic hand clamped tight over my mouth, until my lungs ache for oxygen. Then I slowly let go, try not to shake too badly.

“Octaviaaaa?” Willow’s voice floats from the dark, lost deeper in Plato Base. “Octaviaaa?”

She fades to mere echo.

Soaked with sweat, still clutching the carbon fibre tape, left hand and arm hot and tight and itching like mad, I sag against the old wooden crates. Nerys finally moves again, flexing her tiny claws against my shoulder, relaxing her tail.

“Move move move,” Nerys hisses. “Move now!”

“Why can’t you fight her?” I whisper, lips thick with saliva, numb with adrenaline. “Nerys? You’re a Dream-God. I saw you bite that cat’s head off. Can’t you stop her?”

“I am only a small god,” Nerys hisses, tiny and fragile, a zoog hiding from the hounds. “Move!”

Carbon fibre tape peels from the roll with a loud rasp; I wince and grit my teeth, Nerys lets out a low hiss of alarm. I pick myself up and hurry to the doorway through which I entered, back out into the concrete corridor. Willow went north, deeper into the Base, so I turn back the way I came, due south.

Willow’s passage has left a trail — streaks of wall melted as if by brushes of airborne acid, petite footprints burned white into the concrete floor, rapidly cooling puddles of golden ooze settled like cold slime, leeching light from the air and giving nothing back. An easy route, the way we came, though I take extra care not to step in any of her strange blood.

Deja vu shudders up from my core as I hurry away, coupled with a strange feeling that I am leaving somebody behind.

Perhaps this is not my first rebellion, not the first time I’ve tried to escape from Willow. But any memory of prior flight is gone, same as any memory of my drinking habit, drowned in dreams.

I slap the end of the carbon fibre tape to my forearm, just below the wrist, and stick the fingers of my left hand into the middle of the roll, then wrap it around and around and around, spiralling down my forearm toward the elbow in a tight, controlled motion, coating the structure with additional layers of black tape. My left hand burns with the friction, popping sensitive fluid-filled blisters on my damaged skin, but I grit my teeth, ride out the discomfort, for the sake of survival.

It’s overkill, covering even the battery compartment and the indicator with layer after layer of crimped, uneven black. But tape can be cut later. Right now I need structural integrity at any cost.

“She didn’t even mention the zoogs and Tissy, or those cats she brought with her,” I hiss to Nerys, hurrying down the shadow-drenched corridors, shooting backward glances over my shoulder. “Oh god, the zoogs.” I sniff back the threat of tears, the purity of my anger forever tainted by a wound that I have not yet examined. “I’m so sorry, Nerys. I’m so sorry. Will Tissy be okay? Can Tissy save some of them?”

“Tistis has saved more zoogs than you will ever count.”

“Good. Good, well, I hope she can save some of those ones.” Don’t think about them. Can’t let myself crumble right now. “Those cats, though. Nerys, what were they? What was that?”

“Assassination,” Nerys hisses.

“Ah?”

“An assassination attempt,” Nerys rasps a little louder. “Cowards. Cowards! It was known you were not yet transformed. Known you were alone. They would never have dared if I were not wounded. Never would have dared. Could have eaten a dozen of those. Two dozen. Three. Rrrrrrrrrr.” Nerys growls, a sticky-wet zoog-sound down in her throat.

“From the Dream-God you fought?” I ask, still moving, coming to the end of the roll of carbon fibre tape. I cut the end with my teeth, spit out the bitter taste of adhesive, toss the cardboard core aside. “They were from her?”

“Mmmm,” Nerys grunts.

I halt somewhere deep in the bowels of Plato Base, along the path of Willow’s damage, adjacent to a pair of metal bulkhead doors standing half-open, the room beyond a jumble of naked steel bed frames and old metal racking.

Raise my arm, make a fist. Swing it out wide, sketch a punch at my own shadow.

Ugly, uneven, tape crimped and bunched. But it’s stable, solid. Enough to throw a hundred punches.

Deep breath. Close my eyes. Keep my prosthetic fist tight. Visualise red-black light, my limbs clad in steel, veined through with molten metal. My face a mask of void. My heart an engine.

“Transform,” I whisper. “Transform.”

Click my fingers, like Grimgrave. Stomp a foot, like Burning Bright. Nothing happens.

My eyes fly open. “Nerys? Why can’t I transform?! It almost happened earlier, when I was shouting at Willow, so why not … not now … ”

I know why.

Nerys lets out a low rasp. “Your humours are all out of balance. Your chemicals and cocktails are not right.”

“Anger,” I say. “I need to be angry again. But … ”

But the clarity of my anger is tainted by a hundred other emotions. Fear, terror, guilt. Indignant outrage. Sorrow and grief.

A blush of guttering golden light creeps around the far end of the corridor, washing across grey concrete. Willow’s voice echoes in the middle distance, my name still a blur.

I raise my fist and think of England, of Oxford, of Grimgrave’s face, Grimmy’s weight in my arms. Ready a punch, tighten my knuckles, feel my feet tilt as if pulled by invisible tide. I can’t do this alone, can’t face Willow by myself, have to get out, get help, get—

Get away? Run away?

My fist unmakes itself.

“Nerys, can you translocate?” I hiss.

Nerys digs her claws into my shoulder, hard enough to hurt. “Yes, yes! Outdoors is easier than indoors, but yes! But not without being followed. Octavia, I am not the one in danger, you are! Run, run—”

“How much longer can Willow keep this up?”

Golden light intensifies down the corridor, melting the shadows, bleaching the concrete. My name drifts from the deep, spoken in a voice like boiling water dripping on hot metal.

“Nnnnn!?” Nerys rasps.

“She’s a Dreamer,” I explain, eyes glued to that golden light. “She’s on the moon, and she’s not meant to be here. She’s coming apart at the seams. How long can she do this for?”

Nerys sways her snout from side-to-side, desperate to be away. “Don’t know! Don’t know! She’s losing control of herself, going from lucid to madness. And then she might still tear through Plato Base to reach you. Octavia, you can’t wait her out, you have to—”

“I can’t let her get back to the zoogs.”

“Octaviaaaaaa.” My name floats from the dark, gentle at first, then a hard, wild snap. “Octavia!”

“I can’t let her back to the Big Room, can’t let her at the zoogs, or Tissy. She’s … vindictive.” How do I know that? Long experience, beneath the level of washed-out memory. “If I run, she’ll hurt them just to get back at me. I know she will. You have to get back to the zoogs and Tissy, Nerys, you have to translocate them, tell them to hide, whatever, doesn’t matter, just … hide them.” Swallow hard, past a lump in my throat. No time for fear. “And I — I have to get Willow out of Plato Base. I have to get her off Luna.”

Nerys’ eyes have gone wild with terror, little black marbles reflecting the distant golden glow as Willow draws closer. Her lips peel back, her tail tightens around my upper arm.

“Think like a zoog,” she rasps. “Octavia—”

“That’s what I’m doing. Nerys, I’m still a magical girl, yes? Even if I can’t transform, I’m still a magical girl. Metaphysically, ontologically, whatever you want to call it. Is that right?”

“Yesssss?”

“You’re certain? Yes or no. My survival will depend on the answer.”

“Yes! Yes!”

Deep breath. Nod to myself. I can do this. I hurt Willow by hitting her over the head with a chair.

“Then I don’t need to be transformed to kill her.”

I step to the side, stretch out my prosthetic knuckles, and thump one of the old bulkhead doors. Rusted metal rings like a tortured gong — clang, clang, clang, echoing off down the corridors of Plato Base.

“Octavia!” Nerys rasps right in my ear. “What are you doing?!”

“Baiting the hook.” Raise my voice. “Willow!”

Golden light flares and flickers, rushing across the walls, streaming toward me like a slow-motion blast-wave.

I turn on my right heel and break into a fresh sprint, loping, lopsided, wracked by pain, following the fading trail of Willow’s golden blood, passing the scorch marks her dissolution has left on the concrete walls, hurrying around corners and stepping over the rims of rusted bulkhead doors, heading back toward the Big Room. I pass a pair of shoes melted to the floor; Willow’s shoes, discarded as her dream-like nature took over. My phone rings in my pocket, but I ignore it, ploughing on ahead.

With the damage I’ve done to my hips and my thigh-stump, I cannot outpace her now, a thousand tiny pains slowing my stride, the heaving and panting of my lungs dragging me back with every breath, the cold thing in my head trying to make me stop and wait. Golden light flows around the edges of my peripheral vision, the tendrils of a great beast at my heels. Nerys is shivering and drooling and clawing at my shoulder in panic, but she clings on hard, not to be left behind.

A familiar cobalt glow appears up ahead, radioactive light leaking around several corners. Tissy, in the Big Room. We’re close.

I skid to a halt in the middle of a junction, scrambling to catch my balance, nearly toppled by the throbbing ache in my hips. Golden light throbs from behind, my name like the pounding of thunder. Big Room ahead, corridors on my right, old metal stairs to my left.

“Nerys, the stairs, do they go up to the roof? The outer roof of Plato Base?”

“Yes, yes! But—”

With both hands, I pull Nerys off my shoulder. Her stubby little zoog-paws tear rents in my t-shirt and skin, in pure surprise. She lets out a confused ‘yaaaaah!’ and tries to cling on with her tail, but I yank her free.

I set her down and shove her toward the Big Room. Obsidian eyes blink up at me in confusion; her black-ooze surfaces glint with reflected golden light, brightening like a nuclear dawn to the rear.

“Go!” I shout at her, already running for the stairs. “Go! Help Tissy! Now, or this is all pointless!”

Nerys opens her jaws to argue — then twists about and scampers off, claws skitter-scraping on the concrete floor, tail dragging behind.

I launch myself up the stairs, right leg leading, left leg lagging, pain jolting through my hips with every lopsided lurch, prosthetic foot scraping on bare metal. My right knuckles ring out against the rusty banister, and I pause at the first little landing between floors, bellowing back down the stairwell, into the rising tide of toxic gold already lapping at the lowest steps.

“Willow! Come get me, Willow!”

A wordless cry replies, in the voice of a dying star.

The stairwell spirals upward, punctuated by landings between each floor, lit by omnipresent LED bulbs wired to the ceiling. One floor flashes past, more concrete corridors like below, then another, and another. I grit my teeth and pray that I haven’t undershot my target, or else the stairwell will run out and I’ll be lost in the maze with a monster at my back.

My prayers are answered; the stairwell terminates in a final landing, a wide concrete platform lined with banks of empty lockers and mouldering benches. A massive metal blast door dominates one wall, left ajar on rusted hinges, rubber seals rotted to scraps.

Rainstorm static fills the air, loud and close and wild, heralded by the scent of wet concrete.

I wriggle through the door and into a dark, narrow antechamber, perhaps once some kind of airlock or arming station, walls studded by heavy glass slit-windows streaked with water. Wind whistles past the open portal ahead. No time to take in the view; I burst through a narrow, door-less aperture, splashing out into the swirling shimmer of the lunar storm.

The roof of Plato Base, a wide concrete mouth jutting from the side of the Montes Alpes, ringed and ridged by the broken teeth of forgotten fortifications.

Above, the sky is a whirling chaos of dark silver and bone-white, washed out by reflective sheets of falling rain, the firmament juddering and jerking with strange convulsions. Mountains tower at my back, the slopes coming right down to the edge of the roof, buttressed by a crumbling wall, lunar vegetation colonising the concrete with vines and creepers in silver and black, rustling and swaying in a million-strong chorus of branch and leaf. Rusted artillery and anti-air guns point at the lunar sky, row upon row of giants sagging in their long afterlife. The outer walls are a hive of crenellations, gun-slits, shelters, bunkers, enclosed walkways, all howling in low broken voices as the wind whips through aged concrete. Horizon beyond is lost in the violence of the storm.

Toward the front of the roof stand a cluster of flagpoles, most of their flags forever too faded to make out, ragged remains sagging in the rain. The modified Union Jack somehow still stands tall, the Welsh Dragon breaking the Cross of Saint George, red skin gleaming in unnatural storm-light.

Beneath the flags is the electric jumble of our communication equipment, rising above the empty ruin of the roof. Modern antennae set in wide concrete blocks, several large satellite dishes mounted in metal cradles, and a jumble of auxiliary equipment, big metal boxes with warning signs on their sides, electrical transformers, other things I cannot identify at a glance, Signal’s expert domain.

I hurl myself down a set of slippery stairs and sprint across the open concrete of the rooftop, drenched in seconds, hair plastered to my skull, clothes soaked, skin frozen, rain in my eyes, running down my scarred cheek. None of it matters, as long as my right leg and right arm still work.

Scramble up more steps, half on all fours, left hand so numb I can’t feel the cold. I plunge past the towers of ancient gun batteries, toward the little stand of comms equipment. At the last moment I glance back; toxic golden light is pulsing out onto the rooftop, overpowering the storm, my name howling against the rain.

“Octaviaaaaaa!”

I duck into the tangle of concrete and satellite dishes, press my back against a metal sheet, try to hold my breath.

“Octavia! Octavia!”

Golden light strobes and stutters out over the rooftop, soaking into the clouds above, staining the rain. The storm fights back with pulses of wind, forcing Willow’s toxic aurora down toward the roof, but in seconds her presence has won, a spreading taint washing the storm clouds with her golden light, co-opting the weather with her acid halo. The centre of the storm begins to bunch and pucker, a stubby tendril reaching downward from the clouds, an embryonic tornado.

A strange hissing, sizzling, crackling noise joins the static of the rain — water boiling off Willow’s body? She calls my name into the storm over and over, wet footsteps slapping across the standing puddles, slopping tendrils of golden light streaming past my hiding place.

“Octavia! Why are you doing this to me!?” Weepy, wretched, broken, the storm speaks with her reflected voice; perhaps twenty feet away, to my left. Wrong position. I need to catch her coming right around a corner. The cold slug in the back of my head stirs again; Willow is in so much pain, why can’t I see that? Why can’t I offer her just a moment of solace? “Why are you doing this to us!?”

“There is no us!” I roar over the rain — then melt away, to my right, around a concrete block beneath the shadow of a towering antenna.

“Octavia?!” Willow’s voice hitches, scraping against the sky. The clouds shudder and roil, their underside stained with golden taint.

She enters the tangle of concrete and metal, following the sound of my voice; I can track her by the glow.

Raise my fist, squeeze my knuckles tight. If Willow continues on her current trajectory she’ll step around that corner, barely two feet away, right into the path of my fist.

Deep breaths. Shaking too hard. Too much fear. Not what I need. Too early.

“Octavia?! Octavia, are you there? You are right there, are you not?!” She’s sobbing now, the rain her tears, the wind her wailing. “Wait for me, please, please! I only wanted you to listen, to—”

Willow stumbles around the corner. But I’m already gone, sideways and to the left, into the thicket of electrical junction boxes and transformers, shoulders low, footsteps hidden by the storm.

Need to be angrier.

“Did you have other women, Willow?” I shout over the rain. “Was I the only one, or did you have a harem down there? How many other pets did you keep, huh?!”

Grit my teeth, feel a grin pull at the corners of my mouth, the engine of my heart shaking off the rust.

Willow doesn’t answer for a moment. Her toxic golden light slews sideways. A stumble?

“I … I … ” She can’t answer.

“Whore!” I shout. “Liar!”

“I broke so many!” she sobs, an awful sound like the cracking of rotten, frozen sunlight. The sky twitches and flickers. “So many. And I never meant to. But not you, Octavia! Not you!”

“You chose me because I was easy! Because I was an orphan. A cripple. Easy pickings, right!?” I shout, slipping out of the tangle of junction boxes, into a narrow path formed by a pair of tall concrete foundation blocks, feet splashing through puddles, the lunar horizon a narrow slice of grey and black and silver in the distance, beyond the golden stain.

Do I see tiny hunched figures on that horizon, gathering on ridge-tops and outcrops of rock, to watch this duel? Hard to tell through the rain.

“Never! Never!” The cry comes from too close, golden light wavering as she approaches the little canyon where I’m hiding. “You are why I stayed, Octavia! You think I chose you because you were easy? Nothing could be further from the truth! You needed so much, you needed … l-love—”

“Love?!” I spit. “More lies!”

Step to the mouth of the concrete canyon. Raise my fist, pull back my elbow, load the punch like a musket ball.

Anger pounds through my veins; I was not her only woman, not her only victim. My head is a crucible full of molten metal, rising to the boil. My heart is an engine straining a billion gallons of oil. Raindrops run down my prosthetic arm, over the tape and carbon fibre. Can’t feel the rain on my skin anymore. Breath like smoke. Heat haze and steam rises from my skin. I am coming online, waking up, ready to live again.

“Love, yes!” Willow shouts, so close now. “I can give that to you again, Octavia! I promise, I promise, I promise, with all my heart and more!”

The cold slug-thing writhes in the back of my head, a thick layer of mucus threatening to sap my clarity. Willow will take me back if I step forward now, if I lower my fist and tell her that I accept. My eyes grow heavy, almost as if I’m tired, force me to squint through the rain.

Isn’t that what I want, more than anything? To go home, back to how things were. Forget all this ever happened.

Return to the Willow I knew in dreams.

“I was eavesdropping on your little chat with Miss Scarlet,” Willow purrs, a voice like the burble of sunlight on boiling water, so close now, barely ten feet away, muffled by rain and concrete. “Very cosy. Very sweet.”

“You … ” Words won’t come, choked in cold slug-slime. Did I get it wrong? Will I crumble before I can throw a single punch? “You shouldn’t have … been able to … ”

She knows all about what I like. She knows the things I kept inside my head. Knows my desires, my tastes, better than I do.

Willow giggles, as if she’s right against my ear. Tighten my knuckles, eyes forward, focus on the concrete corner, ears on the shuffle of her waterlogged feet.

“I thought you were smarter than that,” she whispers through the wind. “But no matter. Octavia, if that’s what you need, if that’s what you like, I can give you that too.”

“ … give me … what?”

“Woof woof?” Willow purrs, her voice is coming from all around me. “My … my little … puppy,” she forces the words out, but she does say them, she is trying so hard, to give me what I want. “I can give you all that and more.”

Golden light floods around the corner of rain-drenched concrete, washing surfaces with pyroclastic flows of toxic glow; sizzling heat drowns out the sound of the rain, puddles flash-drying to acidic vapour, trails of steam swirling up as if toward a hole in space. A scent like sunlight on spilled blood tugs at my nose.

Cold mucus blossoms wide in the back of my skull; Willow is promising me everything I ever wanted, isn’t she?

My filthy desires, my deviant purposes. I will be her little puppy and she will drag me along on a leash. I will be happy when she deigns to touch me, gloved hand between my legs to unlock the cage around my loins. She will graciously allow me to lick her face, and rut against her leg, but I will always be left on the edge of satisfaction, and I will like it, I will love it, I will love her as she cages me again and cuts pieces of me out, as she parades me on all fours and shows off my nude body to her friends, as she closes me in the dark as she goes off to bed, alone and clean and untouched by my filth.

“Not— not what I— want—”

“The world is ending, Octavia,” Willow says. Her voice creeps around the corner, carried on streamers of toxic gold. “We all know it. It’s a wonder to me that the teeming masses can’t feel it too. How much longer can this go on? Not long, I think. At least let us pretend, let us comfort each other in the meantime. At least let us have this, together.”

My fist slackens. Willow will give me what I want. Of course she—

Never will.

Grimgrave, white shorts and tank top, flushed and panting, pinned to the bed, my knee against her cunt. Burning Bight, tucked under the covers, my hands lingering over her brow and her hair, ready to stroke her off to sleep. Scarlet Edge, makeshift collar around her neck, pulling it taught, leash in my hand.

Cold mucus pauses and hesitates; her parasite connection cannot grasp these feelings. Willow does not and cannot and will never understand what I want or what I am.

She steps around the corner. A golden inferno, toxic light bleeding from empty eyes, running down her face in tracks like molten metal, leaking from the corners of her mouth. Her footsteps melt the concrete, warped and bubbling. The air around her throbs with the pulse of a distant star, bending light toward an impossible shade of scorched and empty gold. Her clothes are sodden with rain, her hair limp with water, tresses writhing with the sputtering and flickering of her golden corona, like electrical power running through a sun-baked corpse.

Willow smiles, parts her lips, drools waves of golden ruin. She looks me in the eyes. Her cold parasite makes contact, expands to fill my world.

But I have built myself a clever redoubt, made from the women I want to fuck.

“Octavia—”

Red-black light floods my vision. I hear the sound of machinery. My heart is an engine, red-lined and pounding. My arm, a piston, my fist, a wrecking ball. The machine of my body roars into life, right elbow slamming back. Dark metal armour flickers and gutters in my peripheral vision. A mask comes down over my face, black as the void, blotting out Willow’s false gold, drowning her in red and black.

The parasite slug in the back of my skull scrambles to squirm tendrils through my brain, to shut down my intent, but every part of me is red-hot now. The parasite squeals as it cooks to death with nowhere to run, charred to a cinder that falls from my spinal column to slap down in the puddles on the concrete.

Earth, England, Oxford. Grimgrave, Signal, Bright. Deliver to them a Dreamer, translocated with my fist.

My punch splits the air with superheated gases and boiling rainwater. Willow’s eyes fly wide, pools of golden radiance. Her mouth drops open, a tidal wave of toxic flow.

In the final split second before impact—

—she snarls.

My knuckles connect with the universe, ring reality like a brass skull. A golden hand falls on that bell, struggles to keep the silence, to keep the world from splitting, fighting to stop the wound opening anew.

“You’ve ruined it all, Octavia!” Willow hisses through clenched teeth, golden blood seeping from her gums. “I made a special place, for just the two of us. But now it’s ruined! Ruined! Ruined!”

Storm blows out like a candle. Moon crumbles to ash.

All light — golden, red-black, lunar, waking or dreaming — falls away into interstellar darkness. Until only Willow is left.

She struggles toward a tearful smile, mouths a platitude of regret, about how it’s not over yet, that despite my ungrateful tantrum, we can still go home. She will still take me home. She will still forgive.

She’s still trying to talk when my fist crashes into her face.

And then the world goes away.



Previous Chapter Next Chapter



From the deep dark to the lunar skies! From limbless to throwing a punch. Do you think Willow’s jaw makes a satisfying crack? Octavia sure hopes so.

This one was a real doozy. Octavia and Willow both threw me some serious curveballs, and things changed on the fly a lot faster than I predicted. But! When a girl’s gotta punch, a girl’s gotta punch. As for the rest of the arc, arc 5 is now all but confirmed to be 6 chapters long, as I am just finishing up that final chapter right now; things are about to get even messier, so, you know, bring your wellington boots, maybe a pair of gloves.

Also! This week, I have lots of art to share, from over on the discord server. First up we have this striking illustration of Scarlet Edge’s selfie from back in chapter 4.8, ‘me2.jpg‘ (please note this one is very much NSFW!!! Not joking, it is exactly like it was in the chapter!) (by Miss Entropy!) Then, this incredible drawing inspired by one of Octavia’s stray thoughts earlier in arc 4, when she was … ‘worried’ about how Grimgrave might treat her. Ahem. (By sporktown heroine!) Next up is another dog joke, simple but good, (by tirrene!) And then we have a series of three Maidens-inspired MTG cards: Consume the Dead, Zoog, and Zoogpile, (by An Evil Eel, using art by Cera!) And last but absolutely not least, we have dontworrykitten.jpg, an illustration of the end of chapter 5.1, and one of the funniest pieces of fanart I have ever received, (by cubey!) I’ve also updated the memes page with some absolute bangers, but listing them all would double the size of this passage, so, go look!

I genuinely cannot express how delighted and flattered and amazed I am by all the fanart for Maidens so far. It’s great to see people having so much fun with the characters and setting and zoogs and everything. Thank you all so much!

Also also also, I have a little shoutout this week! I don’t do these that often these days (and I actually have another one for next week too), but! I would like to shoutout By the Designs of Destiny, by Embercrown, a – you may have guessed it – magical girl yuri story! Hooray! It’s great to see other serial writers picking up on the recent trend of more magical girl stories, especially with some solid yuri in there. BTDOD is extremely earnest, a sentiment echoed in more than a few reviews, so if you want more magical girls, and that sounds like your kinda thing, go check it out!

Meanwhile, if you want more Maidens right away, you can always:

Subscribe on Patreon!

Right now my patrons have access to three chapters ahead! For the moment I’m going to try to keep it as three; in the future I hope to push this out to more.

Than you, dear readers! Thank you, as always, for being here and reading and enjoying my little story. We’re still barely past the starting line with Maidens; Octavia’s still edging(?!) that transformation, and I have such otherworldly sights to show you. Glad you’re enjoying it! Maidens is for all of you, and I couldn’t do it without you!

Next chapter, are Octavia’s knuckles strong enough to break Willow? Are they strong enough to break the world?

Maidens of the Fall – Parasomnia – 5.1

Content Warnings

Abusive relationships
Gaslighting
Unreality
Animal death
Animal abuse
Gore



Previous Chapter Next Chapter



Entombed beneath the lonely lunar crags, while Nightmares batter English shores on Earth below, I await an unwanted visitor, alone.

Plato Base does not impose true isolation; I am merely the only magical girl left behind, because I am still an unfashioned creature, a walking cadaver half made-up, lacking full strength of arms, my brains addled by rot, transformation trapped in a knot of tension turning tight behind my sternum.

No, I am far from alone. I am surrounded by a hundred-strong passel of zoogs as they emerge from their hiding places in the domesticated corner, and it is primarily for their sake I do not bolt for my bedroom. Nerys herself — my Dream-Goddess patron — is awake and alert, a curious black-oil snout uptilted from within her plush animal bed, obsidian eyes watching the Nightmare’s progress on Signal’s screens, tracking across a map of England’s heart, leaping the London Wall to smother Oxford’s tender underside. Tissy remains unseen, unheard, unknown, but I try to keep faith that she is unmoved.

And then there’s Gregory the long-dead Moon Beast, a fellow corpse, still and silent in his glass tank of cloudy fluid. When I flirt with instant flight, he keeps me rooted.

I reread the final messages from Scarlet Edge. Weight settles on my chest. Left hand shakes so hard I can scarcely type.

OC: coming for me soon?
OC: when is soon???
OC: Scarlet
OC: FRANCESCA
OC: WHAT DO YOU MEAN
OC: WHEN IS SOON

Francesca Fairfax does not answer. She is offline, her name on Undernote flanked by a little grey circle. She is Scarlet Edge again, off to fight for King and Country, to cut down Nightmares with flaming sword.

Willow cannot reach Luna. Willow cannot breach Plato Base. Willow cannot touch me, not here.

A glance over one shoulder shows nothing but zoogs and the rainbow-walled shadows of the Big Room. Willow does not lounge in a seat, nor loom from a corridor-mouth; no familiar pair of soft brown eyes peers around a column or lurks beyond the half-lit circle cast by the red emergency light from Signal’s monitors.

Thoughts of calling Grimmy abort themselves before I reach for my phone. We never swapped numbers, never saw the need. Would the call even connect, from all the way up here, alone on the Lunar high ground so far from England?

I pick up the handgun, Grimgrave’s borrowed pistol.

Hold it awkwardly in my left, grip sweaty, shivering, unsure. Check the safety. Check it again. Should I flick it off? Keep it on? Should I point the gun? At what should I aim?

Zoogs brush against my ankles, roused and restless by the sudden departures of Grimgrave, Bright, and Signal. Others settle on the cushions, clamber up the sofas, take refuge inside the animal beds. A few watch Signal’s computer setup, little eyes following the rapid progress of the Nightmare, a black cloud creeping across England’s green face. None return to sleep, snouts flickering back and forth as they try to look everywhere. Have my own nerves struck true with their high-strung instincts? Or do they sense things a human cannot?

Rainstorm static washes against the roof of Plato Base in slow waves, heavy enough to drown out footsteps. My shoulder blades itch, the back of my head burns with imagined sight, as I turn and turn and turn again. Stillness is impossible, but running serves no purpose. A stout door between me and the world would do nothing to slow a Dreamer.

If Willow comes for me, I am helpless.

“Octavia?”

I jump from my skin, jerk the gun, swallow a scream.

But it’s only Nerys, rasping my name down in her animal bed. Half a dozen zoogs too close to my ankles scatter in sympathetic surprise, hissing and snapping, half at me, half at my phantasmal foes. Most of them stop and blink and peer back at me with bemused looks, but no laughter.

Nerys tilts her black-on-black head on one side, regards me with a shiny obsidian eye. “You are thinking like a zoog!” she rasps.

A huff helps. “Jittery and nervous and ready to bolt, you mean? Yes! This is the first time in several days I’ve been alone.” A lesser sigh, fill my lungs, feel my phantom limb clamped across my ribs. “Alright, I’m not completely alone, but you know what I mean. This is the first day I’ve been here in Plato Base with the absolute certain knowledge that Grimmy isn’t nearby. I’m the only magical girl here. I am — rather understandably, I should hope — worried about … about … ”

Her name sticks in my throat. Can’t keep my eyes on Nerys, have to keep glancing at the corridors, at the main entrance, at a point directly behind my own back.

“Aboutttttt?” Nerys rasps.

I shoot her a look fit to fell a god. “Willow.” A whisper. Louder: “Willow.”

Two dozen zoogs hiss in sympathy. I could almost sob.

Nerys tilts her head the other way, floppy ears wiggling, droplets of ghostly oil vanishing before they stain the floor. “No earthbound Dreamer would dare. She would have to shed whole chunks of herself just to be here, ha! She would be bleeding out with every step. I would like to see that, hnnnnghhhhhh … ”

“You don’t know Willow.” But then I am forced to sigh. “Oh, what am I saying, as if I ever really knew her. Nerys, I’m serious, what do we do if Willow shows up? What do I do?”

Nerys peels her lips back in a zoog-like grin, toothy and dripping and dark. “Think like a zoog.”

Another big huff. This one helps less. “You mean run away. Fine! I am not above running, not from her. But where?! Where could I go that she can’t follow? Even if I translocate, she … can … ”

A glance down at my almost-finished prosthetic arm douses my heart with icy water. Wrist still unattached, socket not yet in place. Almost finished is not finished. Forget transformation; without my right arm, I cannot translocate.

Nerys tilts her head back and forth, rasping low and rhythmic in her throat, a sound I haven’t heard from a zoog before. The others do not join in.

“What?” I demand. “What!? Nerys, what does that mean?”

“Octaviaaaaa,” she rasps. “Is there some special reason you are suddenly so afraid?”

She asks as if she already knows the answer. Perhaps she does. Nerys is a Dream-God; has she read the surface of my mind, seen my conversation with Scarlet Edge? If she has, would she tell Grimgrave, or Bright? Would she betray a confidence I never gave?

Would she sit idle as a predator creeps up behind one of her girls?

“Yes,” I say, gesture at Signal’s computer. “That’s the perfect opening, isn’t it? I’m alone. I think it’s possible that she might be coming.” Because Scarlet Edge told me. “This is an opportunity, an opening, you understand?” Francesca Fairfax tried to warn me. “A Nightmare has drawn everybody else away and … I need to … I need to get back to work.”

Nerys and a hundred zoogs all watch as I sit back at the table and force myself to put the gun down, though I keep it very close. Turn my eyes and my attention to my incomplete right arm. Take up my tools. Work faster.

No matter what happens, I need myself.

A minute, then two, then five slide by, with no Willow draping herself over my shoulders, no soft call of her voice from deep within Plato Base. Ten minutes creep past as I affix the old wrist-socket to the new components of my right forearm. Fifteen, then twenty, then twenty-five as I wait for the adhesive to harden. Carbon fibre tape rasps as it unwinds from the roll, sticks hard as I apply it over the joints, hardens as I press into the seams, offcuts shed from my shaking fingertips as I fumble over each piece.

Plans called for the arm to rest, at least eight hours as I slept, to let the adhesives settle in, have the pieces grow to know each other. Then I could wake with soft eyes and a belly full of breakfast, look over the work to find anything I’d missed, structural flaws that might lead to the whole thing flying apart the first time I try to throw a punch.

But now there’s no time. I’ll use a whole roll of carbon fibre tape if I must, to keep the limb intact.

Half an hour dribbles away.

The lights in the Big Room ease upward toward lunar dawn, shadows thinning. A steaming mug of coffee appears at my left elbow, with no note from Tissy, and no reply when I call my thanks into the echoes. Caffeine sharpens the jitters, but I need it regardless, no sleep for the dead.

Perhaps I’m panicked over nothing. Maybe Scarlet’s warning was general, not specific, and I am being a fool.

Waiting for a strip of tape to adhere, I close Undernote at last, and am briefly greeted by a final sighting of that full-body selfie from Scarlet Edge. A stirring of residual libido suggests that I might slink off to my room with the laptop, to finish the job I started earlier. My eyes glue themselves to the makeshift collar around Francesca’s pale throat.

She is still, even in the depths of my suspended terror, breathtaking in a very specific way I cannot elucidate.

But the urge is easily dismissed. Even if I wasn’t racing to finish my arm, I wouldn’t want to be alone.

On Signal’s computer setup, four of the central monitors still display a map of the southeast of England, London’s pixelated corpse in the centre. The Nightmare itself is represented by an amorphous dark blob, with shaded periphery to indicate the margin of error for potentially impacted areas; black is far from the correct colour for a Nightmare, but I won’t criticise Signal for prioritising clarity over realism. The trailing tails of the Nightmare have entirely cleared the London Wall, the leading edge pushing deep inside the southeastern bulge of Oxford’s underbelly.

Signal wasn’t exaggerating, this one is both sizeable and swift. Thousands of people will be huddled in concrete bunkers by now, tucked away beneath tower blocks or rushing for the public shelters, to ride out the bow shock. Is my grandmother still alive down there, hurrying for a shelter? Part of me hopes so. The Trio will be fighting by now, but without their usual audience, no television cameras, no crowd of adoring public.

Is Scarlet locked in combat right now, duelling with some inconsequential Nightmare debris, or cutting bleeding chunks from the core of the thing? Is she hung over, head throbbing, or still drunk? Is she sore and tender between her legs because of what we did? Is she thinking of me?

Are Grimgrave, Bright, and Signal fighting as well — or merely staying out of the way, scavenging magical energy like carrion-eaters at a whalefall?

There’s something they don’t teach down in England, nor anywhere else in the waking world. It finally clicks.

Magical girls need Nightmares, or the girl-juice runs dry.

Nightmares are poorly understood, despite decades of boiling over from London’s unquiet grave. They’re hardly unknown elsewhere, the primary and ever-present threat of every Dreamland overlap, the chief duty of all magical girls. But in any given year England suffers more Nightmares than the entire rest of the world combined. The London Exclusion Zone breeds Nightmares with maddening irregularity and relentless frequency.

Officially accepted theories in England explain Nightmares as a kind of Dreamland weather, pressure systems of concentrated dream-stuff, blown in from places with which decent people need not concern themselves. The ‘debris’ carried by a Nightmare is no different to how a mundane storm might carry seagulls inland, or deposit a shower of confused frogs hundreds of miles from any body of water.

The vast and terrible things found in the core of a Nightmare are merely incidental.

Any images of them the public might have seen — captured on unsecured CCTV cameras or the phones of those unfortunate enough to be directly exposed — do not officially exist. The few caught on tape from the days before Dream Control are lost media, spirited away into the heart of the Dream Institute, never mentioned again. Those recorded in foreign parts are obvious fabrications, designed to undermine the stout resilience of simple British courage. If you are caught spreading such lies, Dream Control will have a quiet word.

When a Nightmare crosses the London Wall and the sirens wail, all you must do is get to a shelter and let it wash over you. Try not to scream too much or too loud. The fear isn’t real, the euphoria is fake, the blind terror and sweeping awe are both illusions. Your body still exists, it has not changed. You are awake and you are sane, no matter how the walls run like wax and human faces turn to leering demons. No matter the day-long hangover of formless hallucinations in your peripheral vision. Pay no attention to the whispers. Do not think about it.

Other theories, mostly from elsewhere, range from the absurd to the impossible — Nightmares might be the stray thoughts of sleeping Dream-Gods, the backwash from a Dreamland war beyond our comprehension, the intentional revenge of the human subconscious upon the waking world, punishment for a century of sin, and more. There is no explanation for Nightmares, nor why they have steadily increased in frequency since the turn of the millennium.

And now I wonder. Can a Nightmare be artificially induced? By a Dreamer, or a Dream-God? Has Willow done this on purpose?

As shaking fingers press carbon fibre tape against joint and seam, I realise how much of a fool I’ve been.

Scarlet Edge is a mere moron, but I’m far worse, I should have known better, should have exercised self-control. Undernote itself may be encrypted, but that’s hardly enough, not for the most watched woman in England. Dream Control, MI5, GCHQ, whatever shadowy agency ‘John Smith’ works for, somebody down there must be keeping an eye on England’s most important assets. Hidden cameras and microphones, screen-capture bugs, root-level access to her phone, and that’s not even counting what a good occultist could do, let alone a Lucid Dreamer.

I allowed libido to override better judgement. My conversation with Francesca Fairfax was far from private.

Dream Control cannot do anything to me up here on the moon, even if they could make sense of my location. But Willow? Has Willow called up a Nightmare, to clear out my protection?

“Nerys,” I say, still watching the progress of the Nightmare across the screens, left hand massaging the stump of my right arm, cramp creeping into my shoulder and neck. “Nerys?”

“Mmmmmm?” Her little black snout swings round in the animal bed. “Mm?”

“What are Dreamers, really?”

Nerys blinks several times, black lids sliding over shiny orbs. Nearby zoogs perk up as well.

“They’re you,” Nerys rasps. “They’ve always been you. Humans.”

A few zoogs hiss-chatter with laughter. Some echo Nerys — “humans! humans! haaaa!”

“Tch,” I tut. “Now isn’t the time for cryptic answers, Nerys, you— oh, fuck me, it probably is the time for cryptic answers.” I throw up my hand and let out a huge sigh, guts roiling with anxiety. “You can tell I’m asking a stupid question. I can’t even articulate what I really mean to ask. I’m so … so fucking afraid. I hate this, I hate feeling like this. Hate it. Hate that she’s done this to me. I hate that Willow can still make me afraid. I’m on the moon, further from England than I’ve ever been, and … and still she’s in my head. She always will be.”

The zoog-chatter trails off. A few of them creep closer to me, reaching out with their little curled paws.

“You thought it wasn’t a serious answer?” Nerys says, voice crackly with amusement. “You’d be wrong, as you humans so often and so delightfully are. It’s a dead serious answer, I wouldn’t lie to one of you girls. Dreamers are just you humans. Humans gone a little further in one direction, yes, but still humans.”

“That doesn’t really answer anything. What direction?”

“Dreamer.”

A roll of my eyes. “If Dreamer is one direction, what’s the other?”

“Dead.” Nerys laughs again. The other zoogs don’t, dipping their heads.

“Alright then, Dream-God,” I say. “If you won’t give me proper answers, I guess I’ll have to ask Signal when she gets back. How long do you think—”

My phone goes off, ringing, vibrating, buzzing against the table; I almost leap out of my seat, heart in my throat, then grit my teeth with embarrassment and humiliation. The zoogs flinch far worse, half of them scattering, claws skittering against the concrete, before they realise it’s just a machine.

Surprise ebbs. The phone keeps ringing. Fear creeps back. I don’t recognise the number. Dare not touch the phone.

“Nerys,” I whisper, heart in my throat. “Can Dreamers hijack telephone conversations?”

“Hrrrrrmmmmmrmmmm.” Nerys just rasps, low and hostile.

Ring, ring, ring. Ring, ring, ring.

The phone echoes off into the depths of the Big Room, on and on and on.

Twenty seconds, thirty seconds, a full minute, long past when it should have cut to voicemail.

My phantom limb clenches so hard that the muscles in my stump feel as if they might peel themselves from my bones. I grip the stump, squeeze to distract the nerve endings.

The ringing stops. The phone goes still. No voicemail.

Haze-wash of rain-drops against the concrete roof. My own quivering breath. Silence.

“You don’t think that was her?” I whisper. Nerys doesn’t reply. “Oh. Oh, I suppose it could have been … ” Scarlet Edge? How would she have my number? “Grimgrave? Or Signal? Do they need me? Do they … oh fuck.” I grip my face in my left hand, try to take deep breaths. “Okay, okay, it was nothing, it was nothing. Just sit tight. Just sit tight. The others will be back soon. Sit tight. Sit.”

“They always are,” Nerys offers. “Always are, Octavia.”

“Right. Of course.”

A nod, another deep breath, and I reach for my right arm again. All that’s left is to lock the wrist into the socket, insert the battery into the slot, and then reinforce the new forearm segments with all the carbon fibre tape I can spare. It won’t be pretty and smooth and human, not like the plain white outer shell I’ve worn for ten years. My WestEuro Bionics XMR Model 4 is well and truly modified far beyond even an outline of the original design. But it will be mine, and I will be complete, no matter how rough and ugly and strange others may think me.

A ghost of migraine pain flutters behind the slit of my right eye, seeps down the ragged line of my scar, pulls at the corner of my mouth, forces a twitch in my part-paralysed muscles.

A voice whispers in my ear.

“This isn’t what you wanted to do with your life.”

A scream and a lurch. Up on my feet, chair hurled aside, clattering on concrete. Claw for the gun, fingers too numb. Solid weight in my left hand, Grimgrave’s absurd pink pistol, for which I am endlessly, wordlessly, impossibly thankful. Finger on the trigger. Safety off.

Nobody’s there.

Silence. Rainstorm static. Echoes of my own feet.

I jerk the gun left and right, at the tables bathed in the red light from Signal’s computer setup, over the little kitchen area and Gregory’s glass tank, across the shadows in the mouth of the corridor to the bedrooms.

Every inch of my skin is caked in frozen flash-sweat, t-shirt stuck to my back. A hundred zoogs are up on their paws, claws clutching concrete, tails held high, hisses trapped in throats.

Nerys rasps my name. “Octavia?”

Can’t answer. Can’t breathe.

“Octavia?”

“Shhhhh!” I hiss, eyes tracking from column to column, searching for a glint of toxic golden light.

Her voice, the one voice I have learned to love across a decade of dreams, but subtly different, as if turning strange after lingering too long. A soft, slow, sinuous slither, from a thousand nights of darkness shared, shadows pressing in, her forehead to mine, her thoughts in me. Her breath against my cheek, a tickle of warmth against the bell of my ear, a hint of rotten halitosis beneath sweet strawberry scent.

Nothing. Nobody.

Gun feels like solid lead in my left hand, palm sweat-slick, fingers frozen. Panting so hard through my nose, almost hyperventilating.

“I’m hearing things,” I whisper, and don’t believe a word. “Hallucinating. Please please please please, I’m hearing things, I’m—”

“You were going to be an engineer,” Willow purrs in my right ear.

Scream, stumble, spin, wave the gun to ward off a ghost.

Nothing but Signal’s screens, red light flowing across the floor like a pool of diluted blood. Breathing so hard my head feels light. Open my lips, but her name sticks in my throat, dry as old dust.

“Nerys?” I hiss instead. “Nerys?”

Nerys clambers out of her basket, pads out onto the bare concrete beyond the rugs and clutter. Still wounded and scabbed, she’s slow moving and awkward, dragging her long black rat-like tail behind. The mass of zoogs drift with her as if pulled by distant magnetic force. Some huddle at her rear, others clamber up onto the high ground of the sofa-backs. Twitching noses rise into the air, sniffing and snuffling. A wave passes through the gathered mass of little furry bodies. Hackles rise. Fur bristles. Lips peel back to show pointed teeth. Little eyes go wide with sudden shivering terror and determined defiance.

“We hear nothing,” Nerys rasps. “But the stench … hate, hate, hate!”

“Nerys,” I try to say, can’t get the word out, throat closing up. “Nerys. I c-can’t— I can’t see her again. I can’t— I’ll go— I’ll go mad. I— I—” I raise my voice, shout past the shaking pistol. “I don’t want to see you! I don’t want to see you! Go away!”

Silence.

Raindrops.

Nothing here but me and the zoogs.

On Signal’s monitors the black cloud of a nightmare swallows half of Oxford. A hundred low hisses rise from a hundred zoog throats; several start to back away, low to the floor, pressing their bodies close to each other. A few zoogs cluster at my heels, as if I could protect them from a Dreamer. Drenched in frozen sweat, I wish I could grab my jumper and pull it back on, but I dare not obscure my vision for a single heartbeat, let alone lower the pistol.

Worse than afraid, I am humiliated. Where is all my anger? To what corner of my soul has my righteous rage fled?

Corpses don’t feel brave, of course. Corpses are for eating.

I try to call out, but it comes as a whimper.

“ … Willow?”

“Don’t you want to go home?” she whispers on my right.

Point the gun, stab the air with the muzzle, but I’m aiming at nothing, blank concrete. She is simply not there. She never was.

“Go away,” I whine. “Leave— leave me alone, Willow. N-no, I don’t, I don’t want to hear this, I can’t— I don’t—”

“You were going to spend the rest of your life with me,” she whispers on my left.

Spin the other way, aim into the overlapping shadows. No Willow.

“We can still do that,” she murmurs. “We can still go home, Octavia. We can go home together. You and I, the way we were before, the way I made it, just for you. Isn’t that what you want?”

Guilty relief claws me open as a dry sob, forces tears of raw terror into my eyes. If I see her I will go insane, I will lose myself, I will do anything she says. My left hand shakes so hard, I can’t aim straight. And I seem to have taken my finger off the trigger. Can’t do it, can’t shoot her. I loved her for too long, loved an illusion she put in my head, but my heart wants that illusion back more than anything. Can’t do it, not when she whispers in my ear about home, about what I wanted for ten years, about putting everything back the way it should be.

A whine forces itself between my clenched teeth. In my secret heart I had thought I was growing strong, but I am weaker than ever.

I am ready to come at her slightest call.

Sharp points tug at my left ankle. A zoog, little claws clinging to the hem of my pajama bottoms, fellows and friends pressed close, peering past me into the shadows, frothing at the mouth with fear.

That sight forces something sideways inside my chest, pushes the whimper back down, straightens my spine.

“ … she … ” Swallow hard, find my voice. “She doesn’t want you,” I tell them. “Nerys. Nerys! All of you, she doesn’t want you. She’s after me. You should run. Run, now, run—”

Zoog hissing drowns out my plea; they are not going anywhere, will not leave me behind. The one on my left ankle tightens its grip.

All I can do is pant for breath, tears trickling down my cheeks, caught in my scar. Eyes to the table, to my arm, my salvation. “I … I have to finish my arm, I have to—” But I can’t put the gun down. “Nerys, I have to finish my arm. Before she—”

Willow whispers from right behind my head.

“I can make a new arm for you,” she says. “Flesh and blood. Iron and fire. Starshine and moonlight. Whatever you wish, I can make it happen, I can— ahhh!”

Willow’s whisper cuts out with a gasp.

A bolt of slinking storm-stained grey surges out from behind one of the nearest columns, a flash of leaden lightning silent and gleaming, low-slung and leaping, arcing through my peripheral vision almost too fast to follow, too swift to swing the pistol round in time.

A cat, grown huge.

Grey as the ones I met down in Oxford, but the size of a Siberian tiger, eyes like chips of burned-out stars, teeth a hot and dripping silver, claws like kitchen knives clad in chrome, body flickering and shuddering, the metaphysical breakdown of a dream-thing forced close to the surface of the waking world.

A living blade aimed for my unguarded throat, too swift for me to shoot.

Three dozen zoogs happen to block the way, too slow to flee as the dream-cat scythes into them. Cruel claws swat zoogs aside, rake bloody rents in grey furry flanks, open bellies and ribcages in squealing splatters of bright crimson and squirming purple. Silver teeth snap shut on spines, break necks, sever paws, send zoogs scrambling and screeching in a deafening chorus of fear and rage. But the glowing dead-star eyes stay fixed on me. The zoogs just happened to be in the way, slow to part, a moment’s pause before the kill.

A moment bought in which to run. The other zoogs are already doing so — turning tails, diving for cover, a wave of retreat passing through them, parting them from their fellows, sending them in every direction, leaving even Nerys to fend for herself.

Think like a zoog.

Run away, perhaps live another day. Be small and vulnerable and forever hunted. Tossed aside, not even as food, a speed-bump on the road to some greater goal.

Think like a zoog. Run. Crawl. Cower.

They did not intend to do so, but half a dozen zoogs have died in the blink of an eye, so that I might live.

Think like a zoog?

Alchemy fires inside my heart, an engine more powerful than biochemical fear, transmutes terror into a cocktail more potent than courage. Think like a zoog. Bare your teeth. Bite down.

I step forward, raise the gun.

The ripple of zoogs turns like a single organism, a cornered animal, from many to one. My forward step drags the whole mass with me, no hesitation or indecision. They see me and they follow in a tidal crash, swarming past my ankles, smashing into the dream-cat, knocking it off balance with sheer numbers. Dozens of tiny claws dig into feline ankles and tendons, ripping little wounds in thick flesh, gouging and tearing and raking and digging. Zoogs scale the cat’s pelt, jaws clamping shut around shoulders and throat and neck and belly and hamstrings. One goes for an eye. Another rips and tears at an ear. The air is a chaos of hissing and rasping and squeals of pain. The dream-cat swipes left and right, jaws snapping shut, killing three more zoogs in the time it takes me to step close and press the muzzle of Grimgrave’s pistol to its forehead.

The first shot kills. Ribbons of mundane brain matter and glowing loops of silver-grey dream-stuff explode from the rear of the dream-cat’s skull. Zoogs scramble clear as it staggers, strings cut, then goes down with a slap of flesh on concrete. The second and third shots make sure it’s dead, pulp the brain. The rest of the magazine makes the corpse jerk and twitch, opening bloody holes in ribs and guts. When the gun goes ‘click’ and the slide locks back, I keep yanking on the trigger until I realise bullets aren’t coming out anymore. Then I raise my prosthetic foot and stamp on the ruined skull. Once, twice, three times, until I almost lose my balance.

A pool of grey-red blood spreads outward from the massive feline corpse.

Dead zoogs lie crumpled and bloody. One has been bisected by feline jaws, intestines spewed on the floor. Injured zoogs smear crimson streaks on the concrete, hissing and squealing. Living zoogs screech and chatter, clutching at my ankles, biting at the dead thing, helplessly pushing at the corpses of their friends.

I stagger sideways, slip in the blood and spent bullet casings all over the floor. Don’t know where to turn. Don’t know—

A second streak of lightning grey explodes from the opposite side of the domesticated corner, an identical grey-silver cat grown massive, leaping one of the sofas. I scream and raise the gun, pull the trigger on an empty chamber.

The cat crouches, pounces, sails through the air in a silent arc, aimed at my throat.

Nerys reaches past me. Nerys the Dream-God.

The Big Room blinks out like smoke beneath a black sun, replaced by the oily dark sea and carrion carpet of Nerys’ true domain, where a million zoogs swarm and feast around her ankles. A goddess taller than mountains catches the tiny dream-cat in a fist of black flesh, then raises the creature up and up and up, toward her face, eyes and lips twisted with divine rage.

Nerys rasps. The air shudders in the grip of a hurricane: “In my house?!”

The dream-cat looks terrified for one final second, then Nerys bites off its head. She lets the decapitated corpse tumble to the carrion-sea below, where a thousand zoogs swarm over the fresh meat.

Then the goddess and the dark sea are both gone.

Nerys the zoog lurches sideways, held up only by the press of her bodyguards. Her mouth is smeared with blood. Of the second cat-corpse, there is no sign.

At least a dozen zoogs lie dead or dying. A dozen more badly wounded. Perhaps twice that with light injuries. Pools and smears of blood, gore matted in fur and all over the rugs, jaws hinged wide with squeals of pain and outrage and confusion, uninjured zoogs trying to nudge their friends back to their feet, lapping at their wounds, or hanging back with wide-eyed child-like fear.

“Uhh … uhhhh … ” Words have deserted me. “Nerys … me-medical … uh— f-f-first aid! First aid kit! Have we got— I don’t— Nerys?” But Nerys looks punch-drunk, dazed. “I don’t— no— no no no no— Tissy!” I raise my head, shout louder than I have in my whole life. “Tissy! Tiss—”

Willow.

Framed between a pair of pillars, against mottled shadow beyond. Dressed like an inverted orchid in the full flush of spring — long peach-pink skirt, thick cream-green jumper, shiny black shoes showing a sliver of dark tights. She has tied a matching pink neckerchief around her throat, teased it and starched it until the ends stand up like a ribbon looped in a bow. Long brown hair, recently cut and styled, a subtle wave as it falls about her shoulders, held back from high forehead by a pink headband.

She has painted herself with makeup, curled her lashes and shadowed her lids, blushed her cheeks and reddened her lips. She never needed makeup in the dreams she fed me, always untouched by artifice. But makeup cannot fully conceal the dark rings around her eyes, the sallow texture of her skin.

Golden heat-haze shimmers from her like a full-body halo, a toxic corona leeching dream-waste into the air, boiling off in Luna’s atmosphere. Her outline flickers and twitches, an imperfect projection from the underside of reality.

She wears an expression of wide-eyed horror, one fluttering hand half-way to her mouth.

I point the pistol, forget I’m empty, pump the trigger.

Willow flinches. And that is among the greatest things I have ever witnessed.

“Oh, Octavia,” Willow says, voice breaking with false regret, shaking her head with stately sorrow. “I did not intend for this. I did not, I had no idea, I—”

I roar at the top of my lungs and hurl the empty gun at her face. She shrieks and ducks. The firearm bounces off the floor.

“Octavia!” She straightens, hands raised, as if I would ever let her surrender. “Octavia, I didn’t mean for this to happen, not like this, not—”

“Liar!” I scream. Any fear I felt before has been quenched in zoog blood, transmuted into more rage than my body can contain. “Liar! You—”

“Octavia, please!” Willow cries out, wild-eyed, desperate. “My private matters have been interfered with! I am as angry as you, please, you must believe. I did not intend this, I did not. I thought I was alone. This was supposed to be just you and I, Octavia! I-I-I have been betrayed, I have been betrayed by those I trusted, please, please—”

“Make it right!” I bellow.

Willow blinks, dumbfounded.

“Make. It. Right.” I hiss, gesture at the zoogs, the dead and the dying, violated intestines and voided gore. “You’re a Dreamer, aren’t you? Put them back together. Heal them. Make it right. Now!”

Willow looks at the zoogs with vague confusion, then raises her eyes back to my face.

She need not use words; I see the sentiment behind her flesh, because though the ten long years of our love was a dream-bound lie, her expressions are engraved forever on the throne of my memories, and I know her better than she will ever comprehend.

She is thinking: ‘But they’re only zoogs?’

Her lips move. Starts to speak the words. Because she has never truly known me, never had to account for anybody but herself.

Until this moment I was content, for a given and terrible value of ‘content’, to perhaps simply never have to see Willow again, to do my best to spend the rest of my life forgetting her, to die sooner or later in the ebb and flow of a revolution that will never take, and go to my cold, lonely grave with only fading memories of her face.

Now I want to kill her.

Anger — not clean and clear, not the healthy flush of release, not anything akin to what I felt with Scarlet Edge — boils up inside, fills me to bursting, corrodes whatever fleshy remnant is left of my heart and lungs and guts, mushing my organs into a soup, white-hot and lethal, potent as rocket fuel. A black and blinding rage closes down over my vision. A fury the likes of which I had never considered possible. Blood vessels on my face will burst. My throat will tear. My intestines will writhe forth and strangle Willow to death of their own accord. If I am struck down, I will rise again and pull her limbs off. If she cages me, I will melt the bars and pour molten steel into her eyes. If she speaks I will devour her tongue.

“Make it right.” My voice is a volcanic hiss, pressure pounding deep down in my chest, a piston in place of my heart. “Make it right. Make it right.”

“I can’t!” Willow says, spreading hands as if I am being unreasonable. “Octavia, please, I would if I could, but—”

“You’re a Dreamer, aren’t you?”

Willow wets her lips with a darting pink tongue; how many times has the dream of that tongue slipped into my mouth, counted my teeth. She tries to smile, but she can’t quite get it right, doesn’t match my memories.

“I am so very far from home,” she says, voice dipping toward a break. Her words leak toxic golden gasses into the air. She flutters dark lashes, as if on the verge of tears. “Even standing here is a struggle, standing before you. I may as well be naked and exposed, but I am glad to do so, because I no longer make any effort to conceal myself from you. I am tortured, yes, but I embrace it. If this pain is the price of putting things right between us … ” She trails off with a delicate sigh, too much of a performance. “I did promise I would never leave you, my Octavia, and I will not break that—”

“Shut up,” I snap. “Stop talking.”

Petulant irritation mars her perfect mask. She sighs. “Oh, Octavia. This was not supposed to be this way. My approach has been ruined. Believe me, I am far more furious than you—”

“Tissy!” I bellow again, howling into the echoes of the Big Room. “Tissy!”

Willow rolls her eyes, starts to cross her arms over her chest, forces herself to halt. “Octavia—”

“Shut up!” I roar at her. “Tissy! Tiss—”

“Allow me, my sweet,” Willow purrs, soft and easy and gentle again, a perverse pleasure on her lips. “I may not be able to set all to rights up here, but I will spend freely of myself, if it matters so much to you.”

Willow flicks the fingers of her right hand, an impetuous gesture with which to summon a tardy servant.

Reality stutter-steps six inches sideways, then snaps back with a judder of displaced air, as if some cosmic force had attempted to shift the whole of Plato Base in a newly invented cardinal direction. Willow gasps, winces, staggers back one delicate step, brow furrowed with shock and outrage; her corona of toxic golden glow flares and sputters like a punctured fuel tank. Zoogs rasp and screech. My eyes water, buffeted by noxious fumes.

“Wh-what—” Willow stammers.

Deep blue light explodes at the far end of the Big Room, writhing and coiling over the walls and ceiling in a chaos of cobalt and azure, like radioactive fires filtered through a mile of seawater. A chaotic fluting assaults the air, an entire wind instrument section submerged in boiling glue, gurgling with outrage.

“Tissy?” I shout. Then at Willow: “What have you done?!”

Zoog claws snag on the rear of my right pajama leg, scrambling upward, drawing a little blood as they dig through my t-shirt and climb to my left shoulder. Nerys, dripping phantasmal black ooze down my front, anchors herself by wrapping her tail around my upper arm.

“Not your world, bitch-fuck stink-cunt!” she rasps at Willow. “The moon isn’t yours, human! Fuck away off!”

Willow frowns at Nerys, eyes tight and lip curled with open disgust. She glances at the radioactive blue aurora at the far end of the Big Room, bewildered by the response when she tried to rewrite reality. Doesn’t understand. Too used to getting her way.

“Tissy!” I shout again. “The zoogs need help!”

“She can’t,” Nerys rasps. “Tissy can’t approach the dream-bitch.”

“Willow!” I shout. “Leave!”

Willow collects herself. Draws herself up. Straightens her spine and raises her chin — my mannerism, my gesture, my mind reeling — and composes her face.

“I shan’t,” she says, voice shaking with emotion. “I am doing this for you, Octavia. You are still mine, and I promised I would not leave you behind. I wanted to do this right, and it has all gone wrong, but I shall not squander it for the sake of a few dead rodents—”

The nearest object usable as a weapon happens to be the scissors with which I’ve been cutting the carbon fibre tape. I grab them, hold them up, grit my teeth so hard the enamel creaks.

“—which were not even my fault!” Willow’s voice rises in credible panic, then sighs and huffs, as if dealing with a child toward whom she must show patience. “Octavia, be realistic, you are not going to stab me with a pair of scissors. You are not like that, you are a gentle and kind and sensitive girl—”

My aim has improved. Willow shrieks, hops aside, trailing golden toxins from heels and hem. The scissors almost plug her in the gut, glance off her waist, clatter to the concrete. Nerys rides the recoil of my throw, little claws digging deep into the flesh of my left shoulder, hissing at the top of her tiny lungs, leader of a chorus as the zoogs screech in sympathetic anger. Can barely feel the pain. Doesn’t matter.

“I don’t want to see you, Willow!” I roar. “Go away! Leave, now—”

“You blocked my number!” she shrieks back, composure crumbling, tears dragging mascara down her cheeks. “What was I supposed to do, Octavia?! Let these freaks and animals take you—”

“Leaaaaaave!” I roar, drown her out, fill the Big Room with my voice, until my throat is raw and my lungs are empty and my face is hot as molten iron.

Willow straightens up, forcing deep breaths into her shaking body, blinking to clear crocodile tears from her lying eyes, smoothing her skirt over her thighs. She tries to wipe her cheeks, ruins her makeup further, not used to wearing any. Feet together, hands clasped, spine straight. Just a woman, a human being, crumpled and small and breakable; what was I ever afraid of? What do I have to fear? I will break her bones upon my gears.

“I wanted to make this nice,” she says, half-crying, voice hollow. “I wanted it all to be right, all just so. But it’s been ruined. Absolutely ruined. Don’t mistake my attitude for carelessness, please, please do not. I have never cared about anything as much as I do in this moment. I know this may be my one and only chance to save you—”

Nerys rasps, for my ears only: “Octavia! Draw her away! Draw her off! Tissy can help if you draw her off.”

But I can’t look away from those brown eyes, full of tears, stained with black. Once warm, now cold as winter mud. Infinite depths, saturated with filth.

“—and I am failing,” Willow carries on, voice breaking. She sniffs back more tears. “The same as I have failed everything else in life that I truly cared about. This?” She gestures at the slain dream-cat, surrounded by dead and dying zoogs. “This is nothing to me. And it should be nothing to you! I can take that pain away, I can make it all better, you know that. But! But, if it matters so much to you, then yes, this will be addressed. The responsible party will be spoken to. I promise, Octavia. I promise. Do you … do you still believe my promises?”

“No,” I spit.

Willow bites her lips, tries not to weep. My rage is unmoved by deception.

“But … ” she tries to say. “But right now, please, in this one chance, I need you to listen to me. I can make everything alright, Octavia. Everything is going to be alright, if you will only consent to listen—”

A piston drives my right leg forward, a step like a jackhammer. My lungs draw breath, forge-fire beneath bellows. My blood is molten metal, my heart is a divine engine.

My right arm pulls back, fist clenched to strike Willow’s head clean from her shoulders—

Phantom pain almost fells me.

Because I don’t currently possess a right arm, only the bodily memory of muscle and bone. My stump twitches, pulls back nothing, phantom limb clenched tight over my belly and chest. My prosthetic still lies on the table, incomplete. Hand, battery, main body, not yet joined. I am still a corpse, a cadaver in so many pieces, subject to whatever indignities Willow dreams of inflicting.

Pain dilutes the purity of rage. Fear seeps in through a crack, undermines anger, taints the flame.

Through bitter tears and gritted teeth, I stare at Willow, trapped by her eyes.

A pinprick of cold mucus germinates in the back of my head.

The zoogs can sense the change, like animals scenting a storm. They start to peel off, creeping back from Willow, retreating from my sides, leaving their dead and wounded behind. Hackles raise and tails go tall. Nerys hisses in my ear — run, run, Octavia, run! — but I refuse. Square my shoulders, show my teeth. The moment I turn tail and run, the moment fear is greater than anger, Willow wins. And then I will never run again.

Willow sees the fear, sees her victory. Her tears vanish as if they never were. Her expression softens, simpers, slides toward ease, a fluttering of curled lashes, a warmth and acceptance I recall all too well from a decade of dreams. Her golden corona deepens, darkens, swallows the light, so that I am staring down into an infinite black pit with Willow at the bottom. My feet skid, my balance wobbles, on the precipice of infinity. The air fills with a sound like the silence between the stars.

“There you are,” Willow purrs, smiles for me. “My Octavia. My sweet little thing.”

Cold spreads from the rear of my skull, oil-slick and slimy. A sob tries to tear upward through anger and fear both. My left hand claws at the back of my neck, the base of my skull, trying to dig out that unfurling pinprick of clammy cold.

“W-what— what did you just put in my head!?”

“Oh, Octavia,” Willow murmurs, smiling with pleasure. “You are just as I remember you, just like when we first met. Do you remember that day? I do, and I will never forget it. I hold it close to my heart, turn it over sometimes and look at it anew. You were so wounded, so alone. You needed me then, and you still need me now, you’ve merely lost your way. Let me take you home.”

She stretches out a hand, suddenly close, suddenly six feet away when she was fifteen or twenty distant. Her scent fills me up, strawberries and lavender and clean linen and fresh-cut grass and chocolate and fresh tea and the innards of a dead sheep rotting in the sun for three days.

I stumble back, flinch away from that hand. Anger stutters and gutters, threatens to go out entirely; cold petals spread and smother my thoughts.

“You put another parasite in me!” I spit. “You— you put something—”

“I gift you truth,” Willow says. “The truth to see that I am the only thing you have ever truly needed.” Another step forward, her fingers trembling for my face. “Please, Octavia, if only you would listen—”

“I’m a magical girl now!” I hiss through clenched teeth. “I can hurt you, Willow. I can kill you.”

Willow giggles, light as air, nasty and sharp at the edge. “Doubtful. You love me, don’t you? You would never raise your hand to me. I’m your Willow, your perfect fantasy. Why would you ever hit me? You’re not that kind of girl—”

“I— am—”

“Besides,” she says with a suddenly bored sigh, “you can’t even transform. I’ve made sure of that.” Her eyes slide to my almost-finished arm down on the table, nose wrinkling with disgust. “I should have known you would work fast. You always have, whenever I’ve been foolish enough to take my eyes off you. Always tinker, tinker, tinker, hand covered in oil, brain full of machine thought. I do not … disapprove. But your talents are wasted on this, are they not? I was trying to tell you earlier, I know you always wanted to be an engineer—”

“Wasted on what? On freeing myself?” I claw at the back of my head; I’ll dig through my flesh if I have to.

Willow’s goes sour-faced, suddenly unimpressed. She looks at Nerys on my shoulder, earns herself a zoog hiss, wet and raspy.

“You were not ‘freed’, Octavia,” Willow says with difficult patience, as if forcing herself to explain elementary principles to a slow child. “You were corrupted and stolen, by this stinking thief.”

“Fuck off, cunt-bitch dog-sick-stink fuck-fuck!” Nerys snaps, then rasps in my ear: “Octavia, run, run!”

Willow’s eyes will not release me. She is a reeking pit, a putrescent wound in the surface of the waking world, an infinity of star-smeared rot, a human form blurred by universal decay.

Best I can manage is another half-step back. Grope for my arm. I need to insert the battery, attach the hand, wrap the whole thing tight with carbon fibre tape, then pray it doesn’t explode when I land a punch.

But now it’s too late. Willow’s eyes catalyse the cold slime in the back of my head, urge it to grow. Zoogs are bleeding out on the floor at my feet but I cannot see them. If only I’d worked faster, started a day earlier. If only I was not a corpse and a cripple. If only I were not so weak.

“And now look at where you find yourself.” Willow’s eyes rove across the Big Room, though I can no longer see it. “What an ugly place. Hiding away on the moon, surrounded by deluded whores and filthy animals. I can smell that clown too, the place reeks of her. It hurts me, Octavia, that you would give so much of yourself to a thing like her, after she wounded me so surely. Do you listen to her? Does she fill your head with lies—”

“She’s twice what you’ll ever—”

“You deserve better,” Willow cuts me off. “You are too sweet to waste on fruitless perversity.” Her hands reach for my face again. “Shhhh-shhh-shhh,” she hushes me when I try to snap back, and I find my words choked off. “Shhhh, it’s okay. You can be my good girl again, Octavia. You have not strayed so far that I will not take you back. You are still my good girl.”

“You kept me— like a pet,” I hiss, spittle foaming through clenched teeth. “You’re the one— in my— head—”

“I kept you safe,” she says. “I kept both of us safe. Octavia, I am not trying to control you, I just don’t want you to change yourself in a way that you can’t take back, in a way that will end with you dead. Is that so hard to understand? Is that so bad that you must resent me?” She eases closer, so that I smell the reek of her breath like hot petrol and spoiled meat. “You haven’t taken that final step, not yet. You aren’t one of them until you transform. You still have the name you were … born with, not yet replaced with a self-serving lie.” Her hands cup my cheeks, a thumb running down my scar; her skin is like swamp-water meat, cold as ice, burning away my thoughts. “We can start over, just you and I. We can live in a little cottage with a vegetable garden, cook from scratch and grow herbs and keep a cat. We can get to know each other, all over again, from the start. And this time I won’t … I won’t pretend a thing.” Great tendrils of slug-slime cold extend deep into my brain, reaching down my spine, coiling for my heart, snuffing out fire and flame and dousing molten metal, softening me back into rotten flesh. “Everything that has happened to you, I can make it all go away, all go back to how it was before. I have the power and authority to make it happen. Please.” I want to go home. “Please, Octavia.” Tears run down my cheeks. “Come home. Come back to me. Come back to England—”

“Acting like— like I don’t remember— the things you said— in that hospital room?”

Willow blinks with genuine shock, confused, wrong-footed. Because she’s a Dreamer, she has never had to account for her own prior actions. They melt into lost memories, so that I may never resent.

“I … I didn’t mean what I said before,” she says. “It’ll be different this time. I’ll be different. You’ll see that soon, Octavia. Now, it’s time to come home.”

My eyes flutter shut. The fight goes out of me. Molten metal begins to set and harden and cool. Engines gutter to a stop.

Because I do want to go home.

Willow has my best interests at heart. Willow knows best. Willow is best.

“Kiss me, then,” I whisper, so soft I can barely speak. Open my eyes by a bleary, bleeding crack. “Kiss me.”

And then.

Willow Hesitates.

Anger blazes high, an inferno hot enough to crisp and cook the tendrils of the parasite she’s put inside my head, send it squealing back from my heart and lungs, back into the rear of my brain. I roar in her face at the top of my voice, make her flinch and recoil, because she never really loved me, never hugged me or kissed me, never wanted my fingers up inside her cunt, my lips between her legs. And if I go with her now, I will never have her. I will never have Grimgrave, or Scarlet Edge, or Burning Bright, or even myself. I will never be free, I will never be me. Octavia Carter will be resurrected, but something else will walk in my skin.

With all my strength and a twist of my spine, I hook my left arm into the back of the chair — the one I knocked down in my panic — then bring it up and over my head and smash it downward into Willow’s face.

Willow crumples with a shriek, head snapped aside, hair covering her face like a veil, the chair flying after to clatter on concrete, smoking and blackened from where it breached her toxic golden corona. My left shoulder, elbow, and wrist all scream in unison, tendons and cartilage wrenched past their limits, pain blotted by adrenaline; my hand and forearm tingle with the unpleasant touch of raw dream-stuff bleeding from Willow’s body. I stagger forward, catch my balance, lurch for the table.

“Run, run, run!” Nerys is screeching in my ear.

Not without the rest of myself.

The battery for my prosthetic arm slams home with a thunk. The hand, my own right hand, slips into the pocket of my pajama bottoms, followed by my phone. I grab the roll of carbon fibre tape and grip it between my teeth, then cradle my prosthetic arm in the crook of my left. No hands for my laptop.

Willow gutters and flickers on the floor like a shattered lantern spreading oil on the concrete. Streamers of toxic light bleed from a graze on her scalp, a cut on her face, a burst lip. The perfection of her clothes is ruined and rumpled. She sweeps her hair aside with a hand, reveals a face twisted with wounded pride and disgusted outrage, eyes burning like holes punched in a star, ringed with crusts of rotten black.

She jerks and glitches like a skipping video tape, from her back to her side, up to a kneeling crouch, halfway to her feet.

“I wanted to do this right, Octavia!” she sobs and wails, tearing at her own cheeks, opening rents running with tarry star-stuff, golden and steaming. “I gave you what you wanted, what you always wanted from me, and you spat in my face!”

Cold slime stirs in my head, reaching for my thoughts again.

Run! But where? Does it matter? Anywhere but here, and then at least a dozen more zoogs will live, once Tissy can tend to them. Outdoors there is no cover beneath the pounding rain. My bedroom offers no shelter, neither do any of the others. Plato Base itself is a maze, dark and tangled, but Willow is a Dreamer, walls mean nothing to her, darkness even less. All I need is a few minutes to finish my arm.

Gregory the dead Moon Beast catches my eye, from deep inside his cloudy tank of tainted formaldehyde, peering through a forest of tentacles.

He tells me that the corridor to his left is my best chance. Be fast, earth thing.

I pick up my feet, Nerys still clutching my shoulder, and break into a sprint. My right leg pounds like a piston, a prosthetic miracle, propelling me faster than I’ve moved in all the years since I lost my original; my left struggles to catch me on the opposite stride, and the prosthetic socket jars my hips like a sledgehammer. I shoot past the end of the domesticated corner, straight past Gregory’s tank.

Willow cries out with petulant frustration, my name mangled by toxic weeping.

I skid into the corridor-mouth, into the shadows and concrete angles of Plato Base. Radioactive blue flickers past in the Big Room behind — Tissy moving toward the injured zoogs.

“Octavia!” Willow screeches, her voice not human anymore, the voice of a stellar furnace collapsing on itself. “Octavia! Please, please just listen to me! Please!”

She is barely more than fifteen feet behind, and she is a Dreamer. She will catch me in seconds, make me look into her eyes, blot out my thoughts—

“Octavi-ahhh!”

A crash of breaking glass and a gush of heavy fluid stretches Willow’s cry into a wail of surprise. A noise like a hundred beached octopi warbles and splatters from the Big Room.

Gregory, a dead thing, bursting from his tank?

No time to stop and turn to look. If a fellow corpse has found the vitality to help me flee, then I will dedicate a monument to Gregory the Moon Beast. I will carve his name into the moon. I will blaze it down at Earth in letters a hundred feet high. I will cut it into Willow’s gut and make her chant it with her death rattle.

But she is not done, not yet.

“Octavia!”

Willow screeches, wet and waterlogged, far from halted, but growing distant as I plunge headlong into the concrete corridors.

A hidden corner, a few moments, and my arm will be complete. And then translocation, or transformation, and Willow will not stop me.

“You will always be mine!” her sobs chase me down into the dark. “Octavia! Octavia, please! I promised I would never leave you! Octavia, Octavia!”

Plato Base swallows me up.



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Octavia better finish reattaching her arm. She needs all five knuckles to end this. Willow deserves no less.

Gotta admit, this was a difficult chapter to write; despite the ease with which I hurt my characters, both physically and emotionally, it was surprisingly rough to write the zoogs getting hurt. Odd, right? But, well, I can’t pull any punches in Maidens, and the zoogs did get some well-needed revenge at least. Octavia cares so much, not something she would have expected of herself back at the start of the story. But she’s here now, she’s thinking like a zoog, and right now it’s time to run and hide. Justice can come later.

Arc 5 is probably going to be about 8 chapters long; behind the scenes things are already spiraling out nicely, and I’m really excited by where all this is going.

Meanwhile, if you want more Maidens right away, you can always:

Subscribe on Patreon!

Right now my patrons have access to three chapters ahead! For the moment I’m going to try to keep it as three; in the future I hope to push this out to more.

And thank you, dear readers! Thank you so much for being here and reading my little story, it really does mean the world to me that so many people are enjoying Maidens of the Fall; this story is for all of you! And it wouldn’t be possible without you, either. Thank you!

Next chapter, Octavia flees into the dark, pursued by the worst. She’s gonna need her punching arm, right quick.